Blood.

More blood today (from my vagina) but went to doctor.  She said she thinks I ovulated and that my period MIGHT BE COMING BACK.  Okay so what's worse than suddenly going into menopause early because of chemo and having SO MANY side effects from it and finally starting to feel better? 

Getting your fucking period again.

 Okay let's breathe.  Let's take a breath because we don't really know - I have to go get an ultrasound but she didn't seem to think anything looked or felt crazy as far as she could tell but also - I need to have an ultrasound.  But also are you ready for this?  She said if I did ovulate I need to be very careful because I COULD GET PREGNANT.  I said "Holy fuck."  She said since it was a forced menopause my body might very well be bouncing back.  Which is great and also super upsetting because I am confused and scared of hormones.  She wanted to do bloodwork but I said no - I just really didn't want to do that today.  I have had so much poking, prodding, needles - tests - I don't know.  I wasn't prepared for that and she said it didn't matter anyway.  But it's still so scary.  Blood.  Ah - life.  Always a challenge.  I think - I mean I feel like I am okay.  When I got cancer I didn't feel well - I knew something was up - I had been dragging myself around for years. 

You know what?  I'm not doing this.  I'm going to be okay - that's it.  I have been taking such amazing, loving care of myself and I will continue to do that.  I love my body.  I love myself.  I will figure out the healthiest way to maneuver through this and it will be great.  Thank the good dear Lord I am in all these programs - haha - I just laughed when I wrote that.  I mean but really - I need all the fucking help I can get.  But also it's okay.  I got this.  This time I got this - we got this.  Me and my beautiful body & spirit - we got this.  My soul home - we got this.  I think they can actually figure out with the ultrasound how many eggs are up there?  Or if any eggs are up there?  So who knows - maybe this was just one last left-over egg that made a go for it.  Jesus.  Okay gotta go work on my other stuff I'm working on.  Another life chapter.  I have decide also that I am not doing comedy anymore.  I know it isn't really happening anyway but after meeting that hooker (who does standup) and then taking that road trip to Atlantic City where the hotel room was SO GROSS & now all of this?  I just don't think I am meant to do it.  I really don't.  I loved it and I learned so much, it's crazy.  But I am OVER IT.  I mean that though with a lighter tone - I'm over it!  It's not for me.  The wind is blowing in a different direction for this person right here.  Here's why....

Because you never jump out of the same hole twice.  It's done.  What I needed to learn from comedy I learned.  I was probably supposed to finishing learning it 15 years ago - or maybe 12 years ago?  I don't know.  But because I started and stopped and had to start all over again I had to relearn all of it and the relearn that I am not meant to BE A COMIC.  OKAY.  Okay.  Okaaaaaaaay.  It's okay.  Haha - what the fuck?  22 years later?  Well okay what are you going to do?  That's what happened!  But now I know it in my heart and I am setting myself free.  I mean okay but how RIDICULOUS is that?  "I am setting myself free from a career in something I was never really successful at - but here I go - out into the wild wild world!"  Wow - I'm so brave.  But that hole has been jumped out of and it is time to move the fuck on.

HA.  Bye.

Soul Glasses

Well I did it.  I said to someone something wasn't working for me.  I was kind and straight forward.  I said I was uncomfortable.  They - ignored me.  Ha!  Then I said again - this won't work for me.  They said (figuratively) "That not working for you isn't working for me.  I am buying shoes and need to focus on that."  Then - then the craziest thing happened.

The fog cleared.  My soul put on a new pair of glasses and I saw clearly.  I was able to have clarity and see.....

That this person is not going to change.  It doesn't matter what I say does or doesn't work for me - they do not care.  They are buying shoes and they don't have the capacity to hear my needs.  All of their focus and energy is on shoes.  And anyway they have never cared much about me or my feelings - I just never, ever fucking listened to that and I let it be okay.  Also I never recognized how weird it was that they needed to concentrate so much to buy shoes. 

Let me tell you what - growing in sobriety is fucking painful and this sucks.  But what else is there?  I must grow or I will die and I just simply and positively can not do that.  I want to live and I want so badly to be happy, joyous and free.  So even though this is such wildly uncomfortable territory and  I just didn't want yet another relationship to be this way I am doing the right thing.  Meaning the sober thing.  So even though a pair of shoes was more important than me - and who knows - maybe they are - I did not tell this person to go fuck themselves.  I said okay.  I spoke to my therapist, called my sponsor and talked to another alcoholic.  Just for today I won't drink or do drugs.  I will take care of myself to the best of my ability and I will pray again and meditate again.  Hopefully I will heal, grow and learn from this.

And most of all - and this is the hardest thing to do - I am not going to attack myself for this.  Or rather when I start to feel myself attacking myself I will stop and breathe.  And let myself slowly, do the next recovery thing I need to do for today.  That's what I've got - these programs.  I don't know how to do it any other way and I am so fucking grateful I finally found some help.

We Must Change.

That's what my sponsor said to me. She texted it actually but she said we learned survival skills and they no longer suit us and we deserve t be happy so we must change. OKAY. So what doe that mean really?

It's an inside job now for me and it's all about Alanon. The 3 C's. I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it. Whatever that means - booze, drugs, food, shopping, feelings - ANYTHING that's someone else's is there's and my FEELINGS, thoughts, food, shopping - are all MY stuff.

I feel like I have been untangling myself from other people since I was born. Sorry I mean untangling form other people's "stuff." And right now at this moment I really just see how that's my problem. UGH THAT'S SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

Meanwhile my sponsor also told me I am addicted to negative thoughts. THANKS. She's not wrong because I spent ALL DAY yesterday trying to not have them and it was almost impossible. I finally had to take it one moment at a time - sort of like when I stopped drinking and drugging. I know I have talked before about being on this brain diet but now I see I HAVE to do it if I am going to survive. Which is also SO ANNOYING. But it's okay. It's OKAY. I can do this. And I want to do this.

The craziest part is realizing these different people I stopped talking to, because they were SO ADDICTED to their misery and negativity - not only was I (I think?) addicted to them and their misery but I was just addicted to my own negative thoughts about them and my own misery. Then I would eat a muffin in my car by myself and tell myself it was my boyfriend's fault. Growing up is fun. Taking responsibility for myself is fun. Being sarcastic is fun. This quarantine has been the greatest thing that could have ever happened to my and I am not even being a little sarcastic. I am able to face myself and my thoughts and my own shit and it is giving me SO much clarity. It's also WILDLY uncomfortable but I'm up for it. Fuck it - it's more interesting than being a fucking victim - I will tell you that right now. But also...

Next time I judge someone and put a label on them I am REALLY going to check myself and remember how plenty fucked up I still am & all the work I need to do. I can also remove myself way, way, WAY sooner form a situation so I don't have to be resentful that this poor soul is suffering. No on is suffering to make me feel badly.

I just literally said "Agh."

It's another tectonic plate shift.  Slowly, slowly moving this cruise ship around. I have to pee bye.

Practicing.

I'm practicing all the recovery tools. In both programs. Also remembering I need a third one. But before I can do that one I need to get my shit together a little bit with this daily schedule I have given myself, part of which involves WRITING. I am not feeling well. I don't know what is happening - I had some bleeding and that's not good when you are in menopause. So I have an appointment with the doctor - which was so very hard to get because of everythig going on. The girl said that the appointments are like "the hot new video game." Ha! So okay good I have an appointment but I am terrified. I am so scared they are going to want to do more surgery and I just can't fucking handle it. I am also just so hormonal and crying. Very much about not having children or a baby. Ugh we don't even have a dog. But I am not crying in my soul it's just a very physical thing - my body wants a baby or something. I have no idea - I guess that's why it's upsetting - I'm not really sure what's going on. Regardless I am taking very good care of myself and at some point things will shift. The worst part is the negative thinking. That and the arguing with people in my head who aren't here and who are not (probably) even thinking about me the way I think they might be. I have moved away from so many things and I feel guilty. Meanwhile - I don't really think anyone cares very much. But whether they do or don't - that's their stuff. I haven't gotten what I have needed in many ways in all of these situations and most of them made me feel badly - even if it took me awhile to realize it. So then it's very good that I finally took myself out of these situations. It's like I want a fucking parade. "You're moving on!? YAY. We don't like it but we are going to throw you a huge party and carry you around on a pillow!" I just realized something. Is this just all of huge distraction because I don't want to write more? Is this the kind of thing where you finally decide to jog on Monday and then Monday comes and you're like "I CAN'T - I HAVE TO PUT THE TRASH OUT AND I'M SO UPSET I SPILLED THE COFFEE GROUNDS SO I WILL HAVE TO TRY AGAIN NEXT YEAR." Then you cry about a panda video, soemthing from your childhood, eat a grilled cheese and feel better. Then you tell yourself it's not healthy to jog anyway. IS THAT WHAT IS HAPPENEING TO ME RIGHT NOW. I fucking LOVE to write I don't get it. Well okay - this felt productive but also not so much. But also yes. But also no. But also no. What? BUT ALSO YAAASSSSSSSSSS. Bye.

People Pleasing Is Trying To Kill Me.

Why is it even called people pleasing? It's literally "Trying to get people to love me in the most passive aggressive way possible even though it hurts me and never works." Okay obviously I am ANGRY. What's new right? It's different this time because I am mostly angry because I am not acting out on these charater defects - a huge one being people pleasing. But here's why I am REALLY angry. Ready?

Because I decided - I DECIDED NO MORE PEOPLLE PLEASING.

And GUESS WHAT? Not one person has changed. NOT ONE.

Becaaaaaaause that's not how it works. I change. AND I AM SO ANGRY. I am so fucking tired and HOT and annoyed. It's SO HARD to say no to people and it's so uncomfortable and also painful - to slowly change. I know - I really know there are much, much harder things to deal with but this feels like drinking to me and in a way it is because it hurts me so much. I don't know what else to say. I am shocked that I thought I would just make this decision and then everyone would start to behave differently. I mean I didn't consciously think that's what would happen but apparently I "thought" that's what was going to happen because when it happened today I was shocked by my reaction. Um - it's also hormonal.

Also they are literally paving the road ALL day right outside my window in my office and it's so loud. That doesn't have anything to do with people pleasing it's just annoying. I can also FEEL it - good LORD. I have to go. I love you and I am not blog pleasing I mean it. Byeee.

Nature Change

My guy always talks about how we need to change the nature of ourselves - wait no that's not it.  He says the nature of us has to change for true recovery from alcoholism.  And that happens with God's help.  Sorry - does that make you uncomfortable?  It always makes me uncomfortable when people talk about God.  It's easier when they say High Power.  Anyway the nature of me needs to change.  I am going to do the work I need to do today to the best of my ability to help make that happen.  I already prayed & meditated and now I am going to ask for more help from my therapist.  Then I will write, exercise and call my sponsor.  I just am seeing these relationships I have participated in & how dysfunctional it is - for me.  And it's my part.  I recently asked for things to be different, said I needed to move on - and guess what?  Nothing has changed.  Even the moving on has been stalled and drawn out.  I feel powerless.  And I am still angry & hurt.  But they have been exactly who they have been during all of these years.  Why do I do this to myself?  I don't know.  I know only one thing.  I don't want to drink.  And I don't want to participate in these relationships that hurt me anymore.  But this is the thing - again - I am the one who keeps going to these people expecting something different.  Fucking alanon.  So you see?  The nature of me needs to change and I need God's help.  Big time.  Because I can not fucking stay sober and continue to hurt myself like this.  It isn't sober behavior.  ANOTHER ONION LAYER.   Awesome.  I know it doesn't sound like it but this is a great opportunity.  Please help me Lord to take care of myself and trust during this transition.  I am so wildly uncomfortable.  Love you Bluebie.

Fear.

What am I so afraid of?  Why is it so hard for me to say I need to do something else even if that thing is nothing?  I don't know but I am.  It's an old, old feeling of being stuck & trapped.  It's very familiar, very familial and I really, really, really don't fucking like it.  That being said - it's okay.  I can do this because I - what?  I know what it is....it seems more challenging than I can handle.  It seems like I can't trust myself and I will just cave and say to myself "Oh well - this is better than nothing right?"  But it isn't better. 

I am working on the Traditions with my sponsor and we just did Tradition 2.  The traditions are what save these beautiful programs from the alcoholics and addicts.  So there's the steps for the alcoholics and the traditions for the programs.  It's amazing.  I am really enjoying learning the history of how they came about and learning more about the program in general.  It's utterly fascinating to me!  Anyway there is a saying this guy says at the end of the chapter about the tradition - he says "the good is the enemy of the best."  And I have heard this said many MANY times over the years and literally never understood what the fuck it meant.  Until Sunday when I re-read the chapter for the 10th time probably.  I have been in many meetings over the years where we read that chapter and not only did I not really CARE what it was saying I definitely blanked out every time that sentence was read - no clue - I HAD NO CLUE.

This is what it is saying (you might already know this!?  Maybe you read that and said "oh yeah!  Duh that's a thing people say!"  Or maybe - I don't fucking know what but I am going to explain it anyway)......

Good isn't the best.  If you are settling for "good enough" then you can't get the best.  Good is the enemy of the best because you can't strive for the best or be the best of you are like "Eh!  This is good - it's okay to be good right?"  I mean okay yes maybe there are some situations where good not only HAS to be okay and fine but that really is the best you are going to get.  But most of the time?  No.  Nope and fuck that.  I finally heard it and understood it. 

So yeah I am in something that is good.  Sometimes!  But not really.  And it is in the way of the best.  And I am afraid to move on.  Afraid of conflict.  Afraid to stick up for myself.  Afraid to say I deserve better than this and I want better than this for myself.  Afraid I can't be kind.  Afraid I will just cave & settle.  Yeah.  Growing.  Uncomfortable.  Challenging. Tedious. 

I'm going to meditate.  Love you Bluebie!

What Can I Do Today?

I don't feel well.  I am struggling with not being able to see my family and just the isolation.  The lack of creative outlets.  The noise!  I think every single house in this neighborhood is getting work done on it.  I mean honestly I am just struggling with my - self.  I am having unrest.  It's okay.  It's just as soon as I am angry I start to attack myself and then I am in trouble.  I have so many tools - so many!  So what can I do because I can't have this day wasted.  I don't have enough days to do that.  I appreciate and love my life and I want to honor it.  Such a difficult balance - to feel my feelings but not get trapped in them.  My friend - her cancer came back and she has to get a double mastectomy.  It's so terrifying.  It's making me feel sick.  She's so upset even though she is being so strong.  I feel awful for her.  I am going to make her some food.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can take care of myself.  I really can.  I can do this.  Please God help me to do this.  I'm going to do my celery juice right now and take a shower & that will help start my day right.  I can do this.  I can do this!  I can do this.