Soul Glasses

Well I did it.  I said to someone something wasn't working for me.  I was kind and straight forward.  I said I was uncomfortable.  They - ignored me.  Ha!  Then I said again - this won't work for me.  They said (figuratively) "That not working for you isn't working for me.  I am buying shoes and need to focus on that."  Then - then the craziest thing happened.

The fog cleared.  My soul put on a new pair of glasses and I saw clearly.  I was able to have clarity and see.....

That this person is not going to change.  It doesn't matter what I say does or doesn't work for me - they do not care.  They are buying shoes and they don't have the capacity to hear my needs.  All of their focus and energy is on shoes.  And anyway they have never cared much about me or my feelings - I just never, ever fucking listened to that and I let it be okay.  Also I never recognized how weird it was that they needed to concentrate so much to buy shoes. 

Let me tell you what - growing in sobriety is fucking painful and this sucks.  But what else is there?  I must grow or I will die and I just simply and positively can not do that.  I want to live and I want so badly to be happy, joyous and free.  So even though this is such wildly uncomfortable territory and  I just didn't want yet another relationship to be this way I am doing the right thing.  Meaning the sober thing.  So even though a pair of shoes was more important than me - and who knows - maybe they are - I did not tell this person to go fuck themselves.  I said okay.  I spoke to my therapist, called my sponsor and talked to another alcoholic.  Just for today I won't drink or do drugs.  I will take care of myself to the best of my ability and I will pray again and meditate again.  Hopefully I will heal, grow and learn from this.

And most of all - and this is the hardest thing to do - I am not going to attack myself for this.  Or rather when I start to feel myself attacking myself I will stop and breathe.  And let myself slowly, do the next recovery thing I need to do for today.  That's what I've got - these programs.  I don't know how to do it any other way and I am so fucking grateful I finally found some help.