Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Compassionte towards myself.....

My therapist has said to me multiple times that the only thing I need to do with Crazy Buns - the chick from work - is to protect myself around her.  Well what ahs happened between working there too much - alone with her - it not being busy - the holidays - still not having adjusted to moving  - not doing any comedy to speak of (okay none) and certainly no acting because there isn't class right now - AND having PMS - I just lost it on this chick.  I lost my patience, lost my ability to be polite and just threw her bullshit back in her face.  Which she acted like wasn't happening and then basically told on me.  Ha!  What a cunt.  Wait - so her name is Cunty Buns because she wears her hair in these dumb buns.  I have to tell you the other day she had a feather sticking out of her head that was out at least 2 feet in front of her and I couldn't look her in the eye all day.  It was so over the top and she was dead fucking serious about it.  I just couldn't even look at her.  Okay so anyway I have become completely over-stimulated by her underwaterness and whatever fucked up internal wiring going on that honestly it doesn't matter what she does (or at least until I worked with my sponsor) - I was being a bitch.  ANYWAY - that's not my point!  My therapist finally said to me today that I just need to have COMPASSION for myself as I del with her - I can use the compassion as a way to insulate myself and therefore be protecting myself.  So this is the challenge of a lifetime now - Im not even kidding you.  This woman TRIGGERS me - on a grand scale level - and now I have to figure out how to work alone with her, protect myself and somehow be polite and what else?  I mean as I write that it doesn't sound like that big of a deal but what am I trying to say?  Im so senstitive that I can feel her vibrating neediness but this is the thing - she doesn't want or ask for help - she just wants to talk about herself and blow off steam - and I don't have to listen to it.  I don't have to interact with her.  Even if Im curious and bored and wanting to listen to the trainwreck story.  UGH - good LORD - Im not sure I can do it.  But you know what?  There is nothing else for me to do.  This is like my crazy friend only worse.  WORSE.  I am at some crazy fork - no not a fork - Im at a pit inside of myself.  I cant keep giving myself away or I will be a dried up piece of - skin.  No - turkey?  No - old lady with dry hair.  I will be a rageful, dried up  piece of old lady with brittle hair.  UGH.  Because these people trigger my childhood - I feel like I have to be subjected to their craziness and I keep waiting for them to change and keep trying to figure out WHAT is wrong with them and HOW to fix it.  THAT IS TOO MUCH TO EXPECT FROM ANYONE SELLING OVERPRICED DRESSES.  So somehow being compassionate towards myself will help me disconnect from Cunty Buns.  Um - okay?  I had a beautiful holiday by the way and Im still in love with the man.  Miss you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015


Man - I can't keep up with this lately - although maybe now things will iron out a bit.  I had my first house guest and it was so great!  IT helped shift the energy - she was so sweet to have here.  I got a car and now I finally have a day off to go explore a little bit.  I had a big show this weekend and then running around the city with her kept me busy last week.  We picked her up at the airport and then went and got me a car.  Good lord.  So then I had to work the last couple of days and I had class last night.  Im a little bit of a mess but I feel better.  I love being here, love the apartment, love him.  I - hmmmm - I don't know what I was going to write.....I have been taking some brain cleansing stuff for my lyme disease and I cant tell if its working.  Haha Im going to say - no.  Okay well anyway - I need to get out of here before it gets dark.  MAN - is my life different right now.  Thank God I keep going to meetings, getting up and praying and meditating and what else?  You know - the basics I guess.  Oooof - I need a shower.  I just jogged for the first time in a LONG time and I'm - red and sweaty.  Okay so love you Bluebie bye.  ps Its all still terrifying but much less so.

Saturday, December 5, 2015


It's turned into an adventure - thank God. This move and living here and loving him. I'm having fun going in and out of the city and absolutely loooving living in the fresh air. We got into a big fight about the shower curtain but haha other than that it's been great and fun. He is being so good to me and I to him. I guess this is why things are scary that are new. And different. Getting throug that initial rough patch. Ah so scary. K love you bye.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Total mess.

Mostly because of my attitude I guess.  I went into the city last night - after moving the day before - to go to my meeting and do a show.  Of course it was raining and I got my period yesterday.  I had to - or I chose to sit ina diner for an hour and a half to wait for the show, I went and then it got cancelled.  Tourism has been down because of Paris I guess.  So then I walked to Grand Central - which felt great actually and then I had to wait 40 minutes for the train, then take the 50 minute train ride home.  I just sat there grumbling the whole ride home and every time the person in back of me opened their cellophane bag of whatever I imagined stabbing them in the face.  I bled ALL OVER the place because I used the wrong protection when I was at my meeting - all my stuff is all over the place and I was doing service and couldn't go to the bathroom.  OR I didn't let myself go to the bathroom.  But this is the thing - moving day was great.  The guy worked so hard with me, we took great care of the apartment, got everything out in just the right time and then we went and had a really nice dinner.  I passed the keys on no problem and now Im here in this cozy, clean, loving apartment.  I just feel gross and sad.  Plus I didn't get paid from my job for 3 days and that felt bad.  I don't really have any money - certainly no extra money and I didn't get paid last night because the show got cancelled.  Im fine - Im taking care of - I just feel like Im not and I feel like Im getting the shit end of the stick for some reason - or like I made the wrong choice.  Why didn't I make him come live with me in the city?  I didn't want him to and I was tired of living there - I wanted fresh air.  I could have read last night in the train.  I could have written!  UGH - I could have talked on the phone like other people do on the train - well no my battery was going and it is rude.  Im just a mess I guess.  See?  My attitude stinks.  Maybe I will feel better after I pray & meditate and do some organizing here in the apartment.  Im sure that will help a ton.  Love you Bluebie bye.