The Lie.The Apple.The Dream.

My guy says that the lie that alcoholism tells us is that "We are pieces of shit, never going to amount to anything and that we wasted our whole lives."  Among other things.  So my goal the last couple of days and my main goal in 2015 is to say to those lies "This can't possibly be true.  No.  NO to these thoughts - NO."  It's helped already and I have PMS and trying to stop any negative thought is a GIANT feat for sure.  I have this friend from years ago who said to me once - she said "This is my only chance to get to be (her name) - this is the only lifetime I get to be this person and I'm going to enjoy it."  How AMAZING is that???  It occurred to me yesterday that I'm human - that's it - it's really that simple - so why don't I just enjoy it- enjoy being me in this lifetime.  Jesus - enough already.  So that means taking care of myself right?  So enter The Apple.  I'm always hungry - always enraged at other people chomping on the subway and I basically refuse to do it.  But last night I had this beautiful apple and I wanted to eat it.  I had carried it around all day and I was starving.  I knew I could spend money at those newspaper stands in the subway and buy a candy bar but I didn't want to - I wanted to eat my apple and I knew the subway was going to come and then I would be that person - eating a fucking never ending apple on the subway.  So I did it.  I ate it.  I got on the subway - squished myself between people and I ate that apple.  It was delicious first of all and it made the obnoxious girl talking SO loud about her poor roommate's rage issues (because he was abused) not bother me, or the crazy man who was talking into his sleeve.  I was also able to enjoy the tender Asian couple across from me - they were so sweet.  I swear to God - it was one of the best subway rides I've ever had.  I saved money, calories and rage time.  Now for The Dream.  I can't remember what it was!  Ha - someone called me and now I have no idea what I was going to write.  Something about 2015?  To keep growing and stay sober - love my guy and take care of myself.  Keep helping others or at least try to and be willing to.  Love you Bluebie - here's to you and 2015!!!

Pms. Holidays. Sigh.

I can't believe how much harder it is for me to write on here since I have the guy in my life now.  He's so wonderful - I just feel so weird writing around him and I'm REALLY terrified to write on his computer because I don't want him to see it!  Ugh - whatever - he already TOTALLY knows me - it's not like he would be shocked.  Like he would be "Holy shit - she was ranting and raving one minute and then totally fine the next - WHAT A PSYCHO."  That's not even funny.  I am in like a pms super-nova.  Holy shit.  Anyway - Christmas was spectacular and now I am back in the city and I'm just a mess.  But whatever - I took care of myself today, talked to my alanon sponsor, went to therapy (where my therapist couldn't remember what we were talking about last time - and it was almost LIFE CHANGING - CHRIST), went to a meeting, bought myself a 5 year coin that I never got and I came home and I'm cleaning and cooking which I LOVE.  I also - what?  I also - ugh who knows?  I need to go back to the grocery store for vinegar and cupcake mix.  That's the only thing that is going to help right now - cupcake making and eating.  Oh I went grocery shopping.  I am just being so HARD on myself - it was such a nice holiday - no one made me feel bad - my doucheface cousin wasn't there - it was great - and I'm still a mess.  Oh well.  One fucking day a time right?  UGH.  Bye.

Day 1937.

It's been a good day.  Family came - we tromped all over the place - took a million pictures, ate food, shopped - went to Chinatown and got a knock-off bag.  Holy shit that was so fun!  How have I lived in this city for so long and never done that - what a blast!  Some lady was waiting outside the train - brought us to some shady people - showed us pictures and then some guy shows up with a bag inside another bag.  Ha - and all these ladies with jewelry all over them selling it - you know - all up and down their arms and watches and MORE people with purses.  So funny.  I loved it!   We went to see a show and then the guy running the show asked me to do a spot - so much fun.  It's a lot of work walking around the city with extra people but it was great.  So sweet.  We went to see the ice skaters at Bryant Park and shopped at some of the outdoor shopping places which was also super fun.  I got the guy some weird Christmas presents.  He has everything but I think he will like what I got him.  It's fun just to get presents right?  Oh I guess I could always get him clothes - lord - right?  Don't men always need us to help them get dressed a little bit?  Maybe not I don't know.  Anyway - it was a good day and I also got to a meeting.  Amen.

All good.

Everything was great.  Easy.  Sweet.  So fucking bizarre - or not - I don't know.  Anyway - the cousins all loved him and everything was really great.  They are coming to the city today to hang out so that will be lovely.  The guy is so wonderful.  He dropped me off at the show I was doing last night - hosting - then I came back home.  There was a girl on who brought up stuff also.  Time to get my career back to the present but I'm not sure how.  I guess having fun is a good place to start.  Yeah - having a better attitude?  So fucking uncomfortable seeing people from when I was a waitress and a douche bag.  This chick was too cool for school and it was reaaaaaally uncomfortable.  But so confident.  Amazing.  I need to get some of that!  Hey - good for her.  Well I worked through that more quickly than I thought I would.  Love you sweet Bluebers.

Choking.

I feel like I am choking all the time lately.  My coat always seems too tight around my neck and yesterday I was like what is choking me and it was my necklace just lying on either side of my throat.  There's picture of my grandmother that my grandfather painted and she's drinking a cup of coffee and she has her hand around her throat.  I heard my aunt say that my grandmother always had her hand around her throat like that.  I just feel like I'm choking and I guess she did too.  Maybe she was trying not to say something I don't know.  So today is the day I am (we all are) going to meet my nephew that my sister gave up for adoption 30 years ago.  I was 13, I met him once and now he's 30.  I don't know if I can handle this.  It's bringing up so much I can't even believe it.  Between that and that Thanksgiving with my awful, selfish cousin - I just am so aware of how I feel like I don't matter.  Look I know some of it is being an alcoholic - we just feel like the biggest pieces of shit on the planet.  But some of it is a very real feeling of just feeling like I should sit down, shut up and not cause any more trouble.  But more than that - I don't know - can I just say I don't know - I have vitamins sitting in my throat - they won't go down.  I feel like I have no voice and isn't ironic that I am writing this on a secret blog.  I just feel like I don't matter enough to take care of myself.  The other night as I left my acting class and Jesus as I write this I can just feel and see in my mind's eye that if my cousin or some other expectant person in my class had a need and asked me for it - I would throw everything away I've done to give it to them.  What the fuck is that?  Maybe this sounds dramatic and selfish - I don't know but this is what is happening.  So I went to my teacher and said thank you - happy holidays and he said - same to you, you are doing great work - you just need to project.  And I said "Oh yes I have a projection problem."  And he said "What???"  He's 92 but he's hears very well - I just didn't even project THAT.  There's was my old acting teacher standing right there and that beautiful talented boy and they both looked away awkwardly.  HA.  Or whatever - is that even a ha?  Christ.  I mean everything feels all stuck inside me and you know what it is!  All the farting, all the burping - my bloated belly - my poor bazillion sore throats growing up.  Do you know I had strep throat at least 25 times growing up and I had scarlet fever TWICE.  You can't even get it twice.  I need to go to a meeting.  I love you Bluebie.  This can't be fun to listen to today - at least you have to the rest of the ether and internet to check out.  xoxoxoxoxoxo

Day 1933 - Back the The Present.

Well something shifted after all the days of sadness and complete discomfort.  First of all while reading The Spirituality of Imperfection I realized what a gift acting in my life is.  The book tautes how we all consist of light and dark - positive and negative.  I have had sucha hard time accepting that inmyself.  And then suddenly I thought about those masks they always use for theatre - the drama mask and the comedy mask put together.  And I was like right - there I love both the good and the bad.  Then I became so grateful to be able to act at all - even if it's just a class right now mostly - and then I also became so grateful to have so much positive and negative in me.  THEN - I ALSO realized (I have probably realized it before but this really struck me this time) that I have been trying to work from the creative place I was in before I became a total drunk and bottomed out.  And I just realized that 1. It's not working (whomp) and 2. It's so fucking boring and 3.  IT'S SO FUCKING BORING.  I'm alive I'm my own person and this is where I am in my life - I am a woman and isn't it so much more interesting to be working from the place where I actually am today?  Am I making sense?  I am having this creative mind shift.  Like I am getting present.  WOW.  Anyway.  So yeah - what the fuck am I doing now?  I don't know but I'm more excited and interested.  Also in regards to my crush on my acting teacher.  Who cares?  This is what I always used to do in relationships.  Look always to some other person to be the one who I should "really" be with.  FUCKING BARF.  So boring.  Lame.  I had such a nice time with the guy last night.  Talking, just being together - so healthy and kind.  Great sex.  UM - what else IS THERE?  Jesus Fucking Holy Christ.  So - so for today I can see my self-destructive mind - thank God - and not act from it.  Man I want to eat like an entire cow.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

UGH.

WHAT am I DOING?  Holy FUCK.  I can NOT sell this jewelry this month and I am just so tired an such an angry mess.  Can you please tell me how in the fucking WORLD am I going to make it through these next 2 weeks?  I'm so stressed out and this guy is being SO NICE.  He's being SO NICE and I'm still SO stressed out.  He is so helpful and kind and I still can barely keep it together.  I'm so tired and uncomfortable.  Like in my body.  I feel like I need to take 10 showers.  OMG I FEEL LIKE I HAVE PMS AND THIS IS THE 10 MINUTES DURING MY CYCLE WHEN I DONT.  Is this because I ate McDonalds last night before bed??  Because I drank a soda?  Did I masturbate too much?  Did I not pray enough?  Is it the cookie I ate yesterday?  Is it the supplements I take?  Are they wrong or bad?  Am I wrong or bad?  How do I still have a crush on my acting teacher - WHAT IS THAT ABOUT???  God.  Why can't I just be grateful and satisfied and ACCEPT my life?  Sometimes I do.  Who fucking cares I guess.  I'm doing the best I can.  Yeah - right?  Yeah.  YEAaaaaaaHHHHH.  SIGH.  Ugh.  Bye.

Glorious.

I've been having hard days lately - I've been getting so sad.  Ugh - so painful.  Today I woke up and I talked to my alanon sponsor and I finally got myself out of the apartment and to my rehearsal but it was hard.  I rehearsed, went to my management office and brought them a Holiday gift, then went to a meeting and then went to my class.  And the class was glorious.  It was such a wonderful fucking class.  My old acting teacher worked and it was wonderful but everyone was wonderful and my new teacher is so fucking amazing.  My partner was so fun - so easy - amazing.  So.  So I felt so different after all that - then I also went to a Holiday party just for a few minutes to show my face and THAT was also fun.  It's what make me happy.  Being creative - that's it - it just makes me so happy.  This class is just packed with all sorts of people working in all sorts of ways.  I mean they get work - they get paid.  Okay I have to go to sleep and even though I still feel the sadness I just had to write about how glorious it was to get up and out of the house and go about my day and experience the shift.  TO work through the shift.  To keep working despite not feeling well.  That's amazing and I don't know if I've ever really been able to do that before.  Ah - a good day working on myself but also a good creative day.  So beautiful!!  Love you Bluebie bye!

OKAAaaaaaay.

Yeesh.  I produced a show last night - with a friend.  I haven't done that in a decade.  Over a decade really.  HOLY SHIT-NUTS was that intense.  It was okay.  Pretty good.  Fairly fun.  I loved the producing part - being the host and seater and money taker and rearranging everything was a lot but overall it went really well.  My co-producer was amazing.  The guy came and was so nice after the show and I was being such a needy self-absorbed turd-bucket.  Jesus - I mean it was crazy.  He's so wonderful and kind and patient.  And he's not a comedian or an actor and you know that is such a miraculously beautiful thing.  Amazing.  Well so yeah.  I'm tired today.  What else is there to say?  I feel like so much happens and I never have time to write on here.  It's amazing how busy having a boyfriend makes me.  I had a weird thing with my sponsor this week but we worked through it - thank God.  I also had a weird thing with the guy but we worked through it.  I also had my period but I worked through it.  WOW.  I miss my dog and I'm so scared about Christmas.  Well so the good news is that I'm still completely self-absorbed.  No major changes here.  That being said I love you sweet Bluebers.  Byeeeee.

My sister struggle of a different mother...

What?  I'm tired and I had a weird thing with my sponsor and I am (ha) left questioning everything.  I'm going to go ahead and get right to something positive.  I called my therapist and she called me back and she really talked to me.  She's so NICE and you know that's what I need and what I want.  People who are nice.  So good.  Now what is going to happen?  I'm going to keep going I guess.  I have a show tonight at 11:00 - I had my class last night but tomorrow night I have the night off.  I was talking to this young hot guy in my class last night and he always sits near me - gorgeous - so charming.  He asked me how long I had been doing comedy and I told him and then (I'm blushing as I write this) HE GOT UP AND MOVED.  HAAA - omg sigh and cry.  He has been sitting near me for weeks and now that I told him I had been doing comedy for 14 years he got up and moved. 
can you even just die at that thought?  He was like "SHE IS SO OLD BYE."  Or I don't know - maybe he was just like "SHE IS SO UNSUCCESSFUL.  BYE."  Well I might as well just make the best of it.  Of all of this.  Oh good that really sad, sentimental song is playing on the radio.  Fucking tender hearts - gross.  Omg I'm crying.  I can't.  Love you Bluebie bye.

The struggle.

It's 11:04 and I'm so exhausted.  I'm home and in my pajamas and that is glorious.  I ate Chinese Food for dinner and I ate too much of it but I don't care - I hate wasting food and it was fucking delicious.  I'm so tired of the struggle.  Just pounding the pavement to get around - riding the subway forever - being stared at - ha.  I do plenty of staring.  Meetings, shows, class - more meetings - oh my GOd - EATING while walking SO FAST.  I haven't paid my rent for November and I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent for December and keep taking my acting class.  I love my class.  Do I love my class?  I'm still missing my other class.  This class is fabulous but you know what - for the first time - in a long time or ever - I want to work.  I want to be fucking WORKING.  I'm sick of running around pretending to be an actress - not actually getting to ACT and GET PAID for it.  ARGH.  Fuck.  Okay - so.  So I spend all day now working on this jewelry and occasionally working at my job and then I have no time to write and look for acting work - or ACT.  Or do more comedy!!  I need some sort of schedule - I just can't.  I can't be wasting my time like this.  I need hours - I need business hours.  OKAY.  I want to live with my boyfriend.  Do I want to live with my boyfriend?  What if I don't want to talk to anyone for 47 hours straight?  Orrrr - I don't know.  UGH.  I feel very frustrated and flustered and CONSTIPATED (sorry) - CREATIVELY.  I really do.  This helped actually.  Love you Bluebie - BYE.

Completely tired....

What day is it?  Day 1918.  It's been one thousand, nine hundred and eighteen days since I put a drink of alcohol in my face.  That suddenly doesn't seem like so many days but it's been FIVE years.  Holy shit.  I'm so tired.  I did 2 shows last night and it was Thanksgiving!!  We went to see my family and helped on the farm.  You can tell my father likes my boyfriend because he asks him to do a million things.  I didn't have good shows last night and I felt old.  But well - to be honest I think I actually look better than I used to and well - the crowd at one show was weird - it was raining and I was SO tired!!  How the fuck am I supposed to get IT UP when I'm so tired?  How can I possibly BRING IT all the time?  Do I ever bring it?  Haha.  I've been working on this jewelry everyday.  Yeesh - fucking exhausting.  I decided today that this is going to be my second job - besides acting and comedy.  What?  I mean besides the store I work at.  I AM SO TIRED.  And bloated.  With horizontal stripes on.  Hahaha.  Okay - I'm going to a meeting after work and then I'm going to another alanon meeting.  How is this interesting?  Then I'm going to Staples. Hahahahhaaa - sigh.  Whomp.  Fart.  Bye.