Love sucks or

just doesn't do anything I should say. It's completely frustrating to not be able to have a relationship OR even just an unhealthy sex life. I can't go back and I don't know what to do. I feel - dorky. Not ugly necessarily but STUPID and awkward. It's so painful. I'm so annoyed. And I'm also COLD right now. I worked last night and now I don't feel well again. I saw Soft Hugger last night and he was sitting across from me and do you know what he did? He MOVED one seat over so he wouldn't be directly across from me. Ha - ugh - how uncomfortable is that? I'm so grumpy. I will feel better after a shower. A shower, some Yoga with my friend and yummy lunch. Yummy lunch. Fooooood. I want to eat fooooood. We are going to Angelica's Kitchen - I looove that place. I haven't been in years. Not since I moved to Harlem. Actually - not since I moved to Williamsburg. Ugh - sadness. I made great money at work last night. On the way home the girl I took a cab with told me that I'm simple. Then she said - ugh must be nice to be you - "but it would drive me crazy." This is the same girl who ALWAYS tells me what a drunk I used to be. LIKE I FUCKING ASKED HER OR like I don't remember. She's young but really?? I just feel - awful. I hope this changes. I just really hope it does.

I feel much better

today - like perhaps the cold is at bay. I have to say that I also feel like this new road to health is very tedious. Very slow and it seems, so time consuming. So - slooooowwww. I did all the right things last night and today to be healthy. Ate all the right foods and drank my teas and had water and - ALL of it. Today while I was eating my breakfast I remembered one time when I was younger (much younger) - maybe in the 6th grade?? I had a huge knot in my hair - under all of my other hair at the nape of my neck. It looked like a rats nest under all my other hair. I suppose it started as a small knot that I ignored and keep brushing over until it became HUGE. Mind you I have and had tons of hair so for awhile no one noticed it because the hair I was combing over it covered it. Well eventually my mother noticed and freaked out and my sister combed it out of my head for me. It took HOURS. Can you imagine untangling a knot that took weeks to get there? I was washing my hair and combing over it. I had one huge dread lock. Gross. Well I was so frustrated by how long it took my sister to get it out and she said something to the affect of - we can cut it out?? So she got it out and I was so relieved and then it happened again. This time she got it out but she wasn't gentle AT ALL and my mother was really annoyed this time that I let my hair get like that. So that was the last time I got one of those knots. Well this path to healing feels like I am untangling a huge knot inside my self. I swear it's so crazy how tangled everything is. I have to say though that I really don't want to do this again. I would rather just really stay on this healthy path. I don't feel solidly on it at all. And the knot is still there - I can feel it. I can see it in my mind's eye. Part of it is untangled - but only part. And honestly there is nothing I can do to speed it up. I just have to keep going everyday on the healthy path. What I find odd is the resting. I rested yesterday and took care of myself and now I feel much better. That blows my mind. It is so against my nature. I would have years ago just ignored it and pushed myself. Puuuuushed myself. Ugh - how miserable. So now I rest. Go figure. I will see my friend tomorrow so it all worked out okay anyway. So bizarre and even as I write this part of me doubts that resting is the right thing to do. Ha - well I'm just going to have to trust that it is. For REAL. Thank you for shopping at Blueberries and Dreams - come back again real soon!!!

Where did my post from

earlier today go?? I wrote about how guilty I felt for not seeing my friend today because I felt sick. Then I wrote that I didn't want to get her sick so it was actually the right thing to do by staying home. I slept 12 hours and I had to do a LOT of self-care to feel even okay to work. I tried not to work but it's busy because of the holiday week. Anyway I - ugh - I don't know. I'm looking forward to the holidays being over and I'm also looking forward to being done with this UNDA stuff so I can really be healed now. I can't keep getting sick. Since Saturday I have been fighting off being sick. Okay - well - look - I was unhealthy for a long time. Of course this is hard and I will get better. I had no coffee today - just green tea. How boring is this blog? Jesus Christ. I am so fucking hard on myself about everything. I have to sleep. I think my friend might be mad at me. If I went skating outside today I would have gotten sooooo sick. But doesn't that also sound like so much fun? I feel like I'm missing out on life still. I have no money to buy things for people - no time it seems like and I'm always sick. Alright well - there I said it. I have to go to sleep. Thank you for being here Blogg - I might be boring but I find you fascinating.

Christmas was lovely and

it ended too soon. I'm fighting off a cold again and for most of the day yesterday I really didn't feel well. I traveled back today from Ct. to the city and I got out of work and just stayed home. I start to beat myself up because I can't do more. I took a nap for 2 hours and then I watched a terrible Meg Ryan movie and 4 episodes of Better Off Ted. I love that show. I talked to someone on the phone who is in a lot of pain and it really made me appreciate that my life is different now. Leaning towards different anyway. I ate too much Chinese food. I cancelled my plans for tomorrow as I don't think that ice skating outdoors will do me any good at all. It's also still so snowy here - our street hasn't even been paved - which is mind blowing to me. I just don't feel well. And it upsets me and I want to do a million things and be a SUPER person but I can't. Ugh I can't write anymore I'm getting upset. I have the humidifier on and I'm drinking detox tea. I ate very poorly for 4 days so I can't imagine that has helped any. Well today - tomorrow is a new day and hopefully after a good night's rest I can begin my health regime with a fervor and really get clean. I miss my friend so much but I just feel gross and I can't get really sick again - I just can't. It's so hard for me to take care of myself. Do you know what I just realized?? I don't want to get HER sick either. Huh - wow - duh. Right - maybe it's good I kept writing - I figured something out. I loved being with my family but I guess it's good I am back here and back to my routine. Goodnight Blueberry.

Well just as I was about to REALLY

and I mean REALLY lose my shit at work again tonight - the door guy gave me this cupcake. I could not stay miserable with a thing this hilarious. It was a multi-layered chocolate butter cream filled cupcake. It's HUGE!!! It was so funny. Huge and decorated so - decoratively. So funny and SO nice. Then he gave me good tables and - ugh - I don't know. One of the owners was like - "What did you do to deserve that??" And I had to stop myself from saying "Oh - I just acted like a complete asshole." Ugh - it's the job - it's waitressing. I want it to be fulfilling and amazing and fruitful and that's not what happens at waitressing jobs. I'm so tired. I have to get up so early to get on a 9:17 a.m. train to Ct. Oh dear - there was much more love there tonight but honestly it's ridiculous - that's all. Things will change somehow. I'm not sure how but they will. I will keep changing my perspective I guess and keep trying to - control myself? I don't know - I'm too tired. I'm so excited for fresh air and family tomorrow!! Christmas Tree Farm here we come. Merry Christmas Blueberry Blogg!!!

Well it was worse

than I thought it would have been at work and just as I was about to really lose my mind I left. I still had one table that was sitting there and I should have stayed to clean the table but since I was really going to lose my mind I left. One of the girls asked to share a cab home and she was going to be another 30 minutes PLUS she gets so annoyed when I go get soda water after we leave and since she told me to go get it BEFORE we left (can you fucking imagine the nerve??) I DID and then I had nowhere to put the soda water and I was so fucking annoyed that I had made no money and I was waiting for her and she wasn't even finished or even trying to finish - it was too much I left. How's that for a run-on sentence? Okay - so the job sucks - well guess what??? I need that sucky job and I'm not going to hurt myself by quitting. But I can also tell you that I can not take it seriously. And you know what? I don't really know if the place will be fucked up by the way they are running it - I really have no idea. Maybe it will be fine. Well I want to kill myself every time I leave there and that can't happen. I need a new job. But why is my life like this? Why am I so trapped still in this type of life where I feel like not only am I not taken care of but I don't even have the option to be taken care of. It paralyzes me. It's awful. I came home and took care of myself and Frenchie. I also did some laundry and put flowers in vases. But I live in this beautiful house and yet my room has water damage in it - one wall looks so crazy and there is also paint peeling off of other parts of different walls. Well. So when I was growing up - the house was so old - the farm house - and the walls were always so fucked up. Peeling wallpaper, walls that were falling down - in pieces - the plaster - you know? It was also a beautiful place to grow up but also - bizarre and somehow - not good walls. One bedroom I had I bought a bunch of blue flannel sheets and staple gunned them all over the room. The ceilings and all the walls. It made the room look like a cloud. They billowed out and all over the place because the walls were a really weird shape and there was a - what the heck do you call it?? Cable? Cable wall? A diagonal wall - whatever that is called - there was one - and the room was so oddly shaped also. Well - so the sheets billowed out and the affect was very cloud like. Another time on a door I covered it top to bottom on both sided with different pictures I cut out of magazines. The paint was peeling off the door and it drove me crazy so I made it into what looked like a giant vision board. The rooms were connected by that door. Such an odd setup. I want this to be such a great story but it isn't. It's making me cry that I live in this crazy fucking house and it feels like the house I grew up in. Why have I created this again in my life? All this work I do all the time and I feel like I am getting nowhere. I've recreated this trapped, insane life. It's so painful. Who cares - it's just a house - it doesn't matter. I have my own bathroom and I'm safe. I just wish I could take better care of myself and have OPTIONS or - I don't know. Some sense of personal power and freedom. I don't mean to be ungrateful and - I'm so confused. And I know that I haven't - what? I thought Soft Hugger loved me a little bit but I was wrong. He likes me - he's a nice person - for sure - but it's not going to happen. And - now - now this job is so upsetting. I couldn't even look at my manager tonight. It's all too hard. I'm looking at things wrong - from the wrong perspective - I know I am. I got to have so many pets growing up. I have never not had cats, dogs, hamsters - always - tons of animals. I love animals. I always had home cooked meals and my Mother was there everyday that I got home from school. So the walls were falling down - I had cats and dogs. That was me trying to be funny. Toys at Christmas. I feel like I'm going to barf - I can't stop crying. The snake doctor said to feel everything is the goal - goal? Did he say goal? He said to feel really bad is brilliant because then I am REALLY healing. I don't know what he said. I need to go to bed. I just really think I need to change my perspective. My soul hurts. I am so happy I am going home Saturday morning. I need to be with my family. I am so grateful for them. Okay - did someone slip me some hormones? Christ - I am a disaster. I am so upset. The snake doctor said not to judge myself. Feel everything without judgement. Oh - okay. Okay - I will try. Blueberries - please let me get through this. Amen.

Depressed and bored and

tired. I should have gone downtown to that show last night and then I should have gone home and gone swimming today. I slept until 2:30 in the afternoon and I feel so depressed. Of course my landlord woke me up so early but I put in earplugs and went back to sleep. I get the feeling he is going to hide my Netflix. Why?? Why would he do that? I'm feeling not good all of a sudden. I have to go to work and I don't want to. I don't even want to bother - what's the point? I'm not going to make money and it will just be frustrating. I need a new job. Am I having a bad attitude right now because I need to shower and wash my hair? I'm still annoyed about yesterday and walking around in my clothes and planning my day around working - only I never got to work. She put me on last for swing - I was never going to get to work. I need to take myself off of working on Monday. Do I? I hate that girl so much. I hate working there and I don't want to look or talk to anyone. Ugh I have to see my other manager who was such a dick to me. This is so bad. Oh dear - I'm going to really have to - ugh - I don't know. This is awful - I just want to go back to bed. 5 minutes of prayer and meditation will help. Why doesn't a man or any men love me?? That made me laugh a tiny bit. I'm not hot and sexy anymore. Am I never going to have sex again? The snake doctor said that when I'm feeling bad it's really good, really great because then I am feeling. I'm feeling everything and just know that it will pass. Wow. Well I feel gross!! Brilliant I suppose. Talk to you later Blogg.

So I'm trying to break

many cycles in my life. The hardest one being - men?? I am not going into why it's so painful or blah, blah, blah - I'm just going to say this. The only thing I know is that I don't know. I have no idea how to have a healthy relationship with a man and I - well that's all. No judgement now (because that's what the Snake Doctor says - awareness without judgement) only the real plainly, simply stated truth that I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with a man I'm attracted to. So that being said I'm now going to do something I have also no idea how to do which is trust. I am just going to trust. I'm going to trust that I am not going to be able to figure out a way through this with my mind and I'm going to just keep working on myself. What else is there to do?? As I write this I'm thinking "Am I really this chick writing about dudes?? About what to do about guys??" First of all - what guys?? There are no guys - haha - that made me laugh. Secondly - I can write about whatever the fuck I want and whatever makes me feel better. Christ Almighty!!! I will at some point need to have sex. Really?? Why? Who cares. I - what? I'm uncomfortable right now - I had beans for lunch. Who wants to think about sex when you had beans for lunch?? I'm tired - I need a really good night's sleep. The manager at work asked me if I wanted to be on swing tonight (like on call??) and I said yes. So of course they didn't need me and I walked around in my work clothes all day. I'm all fucked up and tired and upset for some reason. Is it the beans? Am I upset about the lack of love and warmth in my life (from a man??)?? Do I just need to wash my hair and hydrate? I'm tired and I need to hydrate. That is true. I - okay - I feel like I'm forcing this. Fuck - goodnight. Talk to you tomorrow Blueberry.

The family is so late

already!! They were supposed to be on the train already - ha I guess I should have expected that - no big deal. I really want to go back to bed. I have to say that I am very conflicted about my feelings for Larni. He seems kind of not so nice. Really that's what I am upset about. He can just be outright mean and not nice. For years because I drank and felt like a loser I guess I felt like I deserved it. Well no one ever deserves to be treated poorly or to have a friend who is unkind and not caring with their (my) feelings. I am so tired - I really might go back to sleep. It's almost 11 - they are not going to get here until 3 at least. Right? Um - anyway - I'm sad about Larni - I don't feel like I can trust him but I'm also sad because he's hurting himself - sort of - I don't know. I have no fucking idea. I am looking at him and I need to look at me. I need to go back to sleeeeeeep!!!

I did another show

and it was really fun also!! I let more of my personality out with this one and so that was good. I opened with a better joke than last night and I also went with a different friend so she had different input. It was great. I had fun and I didn't spend any money and I came home and ate here. I bought water and I also bought a granola bar. But well - it was great. Being sober is much MUCH better for me as far as - ha - EVERYTHING goes. I used to get bored at shows waiting to perform and then I would start drinking and by the time I got up to perform I was completely buzzed and had no way to really be funny or gage any of the jokes or the audience reaction to the jokes. I am glad I'm getting out there - it was fun and exciting. I also haven't been spending 20 dollars a day on Starbuck's so that is good. I met my friend from years ago and met her new girlfriend and they were adorable. They met on Match.com - how cute is that?? I went to therapy and I had some eggs - went to a meditation meeting and then did the show. I used to never take the subway home late at night because I would have to pee so bad from drinking that I could only ever hold it like 15 - 20 minutes tops. I must have peed my pants 10 different times even WITH taking cabs everywhere. I just had no control over my bladder. Who could drinking 3 buds in a row?? For starters?? Add shots, cigarettes and weed - jesus. Anyway - holy fuck - it's so much more fun doing all of this stuff sober and not spending money. I only had a hot chocolate with a shot of espresso today and 1 green tea. I feel more alive not being so impulsive in my life. Do you know what Cretona told me a long time ago?? He said that once I stop doing impulsive things in my life, once I stop having so much drama in my daily life, that I will be able to transfer all of that to the stage. I'm not sure how he said it or the words he used but that's the idea. I hope that along with all of that some confidence will show up. So for now I just want to get onstage tons and work on my writing. I never really wrote for either one of these shows. So now I can do that. My family is coming tomorrow!! I'm so excited!! Time to shower. The snake doctor said that I need to get into my body before bed. Than I will be able to sleep better. Fall asleep better. Brilliant!! Bye bye Blueberry - talk to you tomorrow!!

I did the show!!

The open mike - I did it and it was fun and okay. It was a start and a mellow start at that - which is great. I got a coffee with my friend who brought me to the mic and then he came with me to get groceries. I got myself some teas and groceries and a healthy dinner. The most amazing thing is that I really had no coffee. I was going to be late for the meeting if I got one and then I would have been late for the show. So I got a hot chocolate after the show (with him - he got it for me) with a shot of espresso and now I'm sleepy. That was 5 hours ago but still. Okay so I'm weening off coffee again and I'm doing it this time. I will save money and I will grow as a person. Plus I will be healthier. And it costs money. I said that already. My friend who I went with tonight also gets upset with Larni. So that's interesting. I will have to tell my therapist about that. I did lots of things to take care of myself today and now I have the humidifier on and I'm washing my sheets and my blanket and pj's. It was a little much grocery shopping with my friend - a little distracting. But I think I did okay. I'm getting better at eating everything I buy. I'm so sleepy. There's the number one reason to not drink coffee - SLEEP!! I really want to go swimming tomorrow before I go meet my friend and her girlfriend. I am meeting them at 3, then therapy, then a meeting, then that next show. And on Tuesday my family is coming to visit!! Some of them. Wednesday I have the doctor and maybe I can swim then also. Hmmmm. Well let's shoot for tomorrow. I don't know if you have figured this out but I'm a LOT less filled with rage. Taking care of myself helped and sharing at the meeting helped (I actually told them I wanted to take a shit on someone's face - can you imagine??). I guess just going about my day in as healthy a way possible helped and also people telling me it made sense and time I suppose also. Time passed. But along with everything else I need to pray and meditate everyday. So now it's a meeting, prayer and meditation, exercise, call Her Lady Wonder, eat healthy food, take my vitamins, write and love - everyday. Oh my God, plus shower, floss and make a gratitude list. Haha - okay - well - hahhaaa - okay - sure - why not. I have to go and finish the laundry and get to my skin brushing, teeth flossing, shower before bed and light yoga routine. Okaaaaaaayyyy - sure and cool. Oh boy Blueberry - this is a going to be a good one.

Just got woken up

by Tall Not So Dark and Creepy. Of course. So I got about 6 hours of sleep. I tried going to aleep with earplugs but it's so uncomfortable. SO so uncomfortable. There is something wrong with the washer so that when you use the hot water option, the pipes shake. The laundry room is right by my room. He said that the plumber said that it's a water bubble and it will come out. The plumber also said that if you turn on other hot water faucets and or showers when you are using the washer it will make the water bubble come out faster. Is that bullshit? I have no idea - all I know is it sounds like someone is drilling in the wall and t is horrifying to be woken up to. Not to mention it means that everytime I go to work he UNLOCKS my door and comes into my room and turns on the hot water in my shower - leaves it on and gets my towels wet and then LEAVES them there and when I get home it smells in my bedroom. I fucking hate this mother fucker now also. Why is he running around and doing laundry like this?? I have no idea. Probably because he just got totally high and now he's running around. That's what he does. He smokes pot out of a paper towel roll with tin foil in it in the kitchen and then runs around like a maniac. He doesn't care about me either. He wants me out of here. He probably has wanted me out of here for years. He probably jerks off on my bed while he's in here for all I know. What a fucking asshole. I just threw my empty bottle at the door. That felt good except now he's not in the room downstairs anymore. He's probably in the kitchen smoking more weed or calling a prostitute to come over and do whatever the fuck they do in his creepy ass room. Let's see - oh and have him take off his shoes by the front door first. Let's see - I saw 3 different pairs of shoes by the front door last week that weren't his. This is so far not a good day also. I would really like to cut his face. I hate that these are the people in my life. No one fucking gives a shit. How is that possible?

The worst night at work

tonight. IT was so awful - I'm so sad. I made no money and I worked my ass off and I got so upset because even though it was busy my tables were empty and I said something to my manager and he basically told me to shut up. He was so fucking annoyed that I was upset. Are you fucking kidding me?? Then - look I don't even know how to explain this. If the seaters get a certain amount of people in the room for a sold out show - they get a 50 dollar bonus each. Well they shoved 4 of one of the comedians guests in my section and normally they would have no check. Well then because they wanted their bonus money they wanted me to give them a check for the drinks they got. They gave me a party of 8 that only 3 of them showed up for. I had empty tables and I was FREAKING out because I only made 100 the first show and - UGH - because they realized they could get their bonus money - gave me those extra people. This doesn't make any sense. I'm used to them being shitheads - whatever and fuck them but I did it. I charged them and so they got their bonus. What I'm most upset about is that I went up to Wolfgang and told him I had empty tables and a party of 8 that only 3 were their for and he said "Look there's a guarantee on the table so if they don't show up it's fine - calm down - come on whatever." He said something else as I walked away and his MEANING WAS READ LOUD AND CLEAR. His meaning which was don't fucking bother me while I drink heinikens and eating pizza. Fuck you Wolfgang. I thought he was my friend or that he would have my back in some way but he so did not. I can't believe him. I'm never talking to him again. I really didn't expect that from him - at all. He was really like fuck you. I can't buy my nieces and nephews Christmas presents and now I'm fucked for rent and I'm so upset. I don't think I'm going to get to work New Year's because I don't have good sections and do you know the worst part? They are fucking that place up. He's not taking good care of it at all. I had a spill at 2 of my tables and the party of 8 showed up AFTER last call and I was trying to take care of everything and then the manager yelled at me for putting a menu in the wrong place. This is the other manager. What complete pieces of shit these people are. What fucking assholes. Neither one of them takes good care at all. I need to get another job. I got suicidal after that second show. Last call means you have 2 more comedians to get out the rest of your 2 drink minimum, print checks and get the money from everyone. Can you believe this is my life? What the fuck is wrong with me? 2 spills all over 2 tables - 4 new customers to get 2 drinks out of, print checks, drop and get money. Do you know how much I made off that party of 8 that turned into a 7 and was a complete fucking nightmare? 20 dollars. One of the door guys actually had the balls to tell me that he was looking out for me giving me the party of 8. You would have been looking out for me if it was a party of 8 who were THERE. It makes me want to slit my throat in front of everyone and cover them with blood and if I could somehow take a shit on their faces do that also. I really just thought of that last part right now. I can not believe Wolfgang. I guess he thinks making 500 dollars a week is amazing money. Being sore, exhausted, upset, and freaked out is somehow an awesome way to make a living. What a fucking asshole - I can't say it enough. I never thought he would be such a fucking loser. He told me (in so many words)to go fuck myself. I went to FUCKING QUEENS in the freezing cold weather to do his STUPID fucking song that he wanted me to do. AND YOU CAN'T HAVE MY BACK?? Fuck you. I was hoping I would feel better after writing this but I don't. Not at all. I just didn't realize how little he actually cared about me. I don't know - I'm sure I'm not thinking clearly yet but in reality - he doesn't respect me - none of them do. They all think I'm crazy - that's it. I can feel it in my bones. When is it going to change? When the fuck am I going to get out of this pattern? I have to get out of this? I have to get away from such shitty people. They are all fucking horrors. A couple girls were nice and one seater was trying to be nice and sat me people the last show. But the real point is that the place is poorly run and I want to get the fuck out of there. I'm sick of it. I need to sleep. I have that show tomorrow which I hope is happening. I can't handle the pressures of the holidays. I'm so upset and I never get to go out and have fun. I haven't had a boyfriend in years - I just - I can't. I'm not really sure if I can do this. If I can actually keep going in this "healing" direction because I'm miserable and I'm really upset. Nothing is better. I'm still poor and struggling and not able to buy gifts for people and feeling crazy and working with a bunch of drunk fuckfaces. I had to claw my way to making the money I did tonight. What is the point? I need another job. Please let this go away. I can't feel like this. Please I am in so much discomfort and pain.

Suddenly falling

into depression again. Last night at work was so lame - so awful. I really don't understand why. I just didn't make any money and it makes me think once again that the guy seating seats me awful people on purpose. I shouldn't have paid for my food or gotten food twice but I was hungry. I shouldn't have bought soda water but I love it. I'm so upset and am I really this upset about money? It just was a sucky night and that girl got to work the last show and she wasn't even supposed to be able to work. Christ I'm so upset and annoyed. Well okay so that's that. How long do I have to keep clawing my way through that place? It's fucking too hard. I make it all to hard somehow. And now I'm being hard on myself. Okay - here we go. It's going to be alright. I need to get to the bank so I can pay my bills that I pay. Great. And I need to walk the dog because I love her. I guess part off what is happening is that I feel like I should work tomorrow night if I can and then also - I don't know. I guess not do the show I planned to do tomorrow night and forget this whole thing. Spending money to perform and then just - ugh. I didn't just say anything. This all seems so foolish. I'm trapped. I feel trapped. Not good. I'm going to do those shows because that's what I want to do. I can't be at the mercy of this guy at work. If I'm not meant to make tons of money this weekend then so be it. No one really made money I guess last night - it was slow and lame. Ease up on myself. Once again this feels so mother fucking hard. I need to call my mother. I'm blaming him for a shitty night but in reality it was a sucky night. I also don't spend my money correctly. Okay - see - that's better.

Getting healthy

is what I'm doing. Oh boy - that's a profound sentence. A girl from work who I shared a cab home with asked me what I was doing tomorrow. It was so awkward because I don't feel comfortable talking about going to meetings and people always think it's crazy anyway. Ugh - so I started to beat myself up because I don't have 2 jobs like her and then I was like - wait a minute. I'm HEALING and you know what??? I really am. It's none of her business what I'm doing anyway. That being said I could be a lot more active and now I'm going to be. I'm going to do that show on Sunday with my friend (and Larni's friend also) and that's a start. I also made a plan for Monday night. Oh cool - I just checked my email and that's a go. Cool - fabulous. This is what I wanted to write....that I have been really worried about making any choices in my life because I don't trust myself or my brain - right? I felt so sick and toxic this whole year and I just was worried that I'm going to make horrible choices. Well here's the thing. I'm working REALLY hard at being healthy and working more towards it all the time. SO why shouldn't I be able to make some healthy, reasonable (REASONABLE??), mature choices for myself?? Why shouldn't I trust my brain and my heart? I'm so tired and I'm not sure if I'm saying what I really want to say. I need to give myself a chance and trust myself a little. Trust that being healthy will guide me in the right direction. Chriiiiisttt!!!

It's a new day

and so I have lots of new chances to think positively and work on myself and be nice to myself. I have to go to work and I'm going to a meeting first. I already had healthy food and reached out to people about doing shows. I need to calm down. Breathe. I already want to go running like crazy but it starts to make me feel sick. Like I'm fighting off a cold. Okay so that is today. So far. Ha - at 3:56 p.m. I am starting my day out right. Jesus. Well I am - that's all there is to it. Now I will bathe and walk the dog and wear warm clothes because it's freezing!!! Bye Blue Blogg - talk to you later!!

What would a good catch phrase

for my blog be? I like to read one that is about her "woes and whimsies" and I like that a lot. Hmmm - I'm thinking "Tales from the Dark side??" Taken!! And this isn't really about tales from the dark side - it's more like Tales into The Light side. That is so gay. Whatever - I'm gonna work on that. I am each day taking better care of myself and I'm learning how fucking hard it is. Also my sponsee won't stop drinking and I made the mistake of talking to her on the phone while she was drunk and it flipped me OUT. I've worked it out with a couple of people (this situation with her) and well - my sobriety comes first. I can't believe I'm saying that but it's true. I have to be so real and so honest and I can't help someone who is drunk. I'm never doing that again to myself. I feel so weird. So - intense. This is really, really fucking hard. I think I thought that at some point this would get easy and I don't think that is true. Ha - wow. Christ. Well - okay - I get it. I think I still sort of want someone to come in and take over and "make" me feel better and take away the pain and all the hard work. Or maybe I just want a big prize and a huge cake that somehow won't make me fat. Well - okay - this is what I got today instead of that. Friendship, kindness, caring, support, art (I'll talk about that in a hot minute), a gorgeous shower times 2, healthy food, vitamins, some yoga and stretching and lots of compliments about my ensemble. That is all pretty fucking amazing. I filmed with Larni today and it was really fun and I loved being in front of the camera. IT didn't come out so fantastic but I really loved doing it. I looked okay also and my acting was fine. I miss it. I miss acting!! Holy shit - amazing. I made plans to do a show on Sunday night. Holy shit!!! Let's see how that goes - it's at a place I used to work. Okay - so. I'm still fighting off this cold but well I will get a good night's rest so that should help. I'm glad I wrote on here tonight - feels great. Hmmm - still can't think of a good phrase. Haha - I hope Larni writes another one where I get to be funny. Anywhoooo - bye - good night!! Till the morning!!! Afternoon? Perhaps the evening. Deep and light??? Hahahaa - that made me laugh. Deep and light. Learning how to keep it deep and light. There it is!!!

My brain is changing.

That's just all there is to it. DO you know what I realized? I owe that fuckface's girlfriend/fiance an apology. I really do. Maybe even him? No. I don't know - no - no I don't. Maybe I do. I actually feel bad. For years I have felt like a victim and now - suddenly I don't. I just feel badly for what happened. I have to say that I don't know how to deal with this. I talked to Her Lady Wonder and we did some work on it. I don't want to talk about it anymore except to say it's very true and well my brain in general is changing. My thought patterns are different now. Ugh - I just started crying. I keep crying. It might be too late Blueberry. For everything. What? I just mean as far as my career goes? I look awful. Someone posted a couple of pictures from the party and I had to untag myself. My teeth look yellow and I looked fat and my eyes and make-up made me look like a crack-head. I have no idea how to spell that. I just don't know. I wouldn't hire me and I don't know if I can get myself to a place where I'm actually healthy looking again. Okay in reality who cares it was a lame holiday party and no one cares. I just want to get my art off the ground again and I just want love in my life and I feel like the art chicken needs to come before the love egg. You know what I'm saying Blueberry? I had 2 coffees today and - whoa - 3 - haha - 3 coffees and 2 of them past 6. Sooooooooooooooooo - SOOOOOO it's 3:00 a.m. and I am wide awake. I watched Hot Fuzz and then I watched When In Rome. The latter made me laugh and cry, and Hot Fuzz just made me laugh. I really don't know. The pictures freaked me out. I was reminded of all the people who have told me that I don't look "amazing enough" or "like I'm trying at all." Ugh - all the people? Okay the one dead guy who is no longer at the comedy club I work at. Well because he is dead. But years ago he told me that I had something but that I needed to really amp it up. Come in like I owned the place - BE something. Get highlights. He told me to get highlights. I auditioned there to be a comedian. And he told me to get highlights. Now ten years later he is dead and I am a waitress at this place. And even though I totally got ready yesterday and I have been sober for a year and a half (okay 3 months) I still look like a crack-head and I definitely don't have highlights. In fact now my hair is even DARKER. HA!! What the fuck? I have to go to the holistic doctor tomorrow. I should say I GET to go. But I am worried because I ate the worst food at the party and had 3 sodas. I need to get my teeth whitened and get highlights. Ha - I will NEVER get my teeth whitened. And I like my hair dark. Ugh - I have no idea. I have an idea - I could quit drinking coffee and that would solve a whole LOT of problems. I saw Soft Hugger tonight. I could feel him before I saw him. I might be imagining that but I don't think so. He touched my arm as he walked by me and kind of put his whole hand on my upper arm and arm pit area?? It was so warm. So so warm. That's all. Why do I write these things? Why do I exist? That made me laugh. I miss making people laugh - it was so much fun last night and it was already forever ago. We are making another video this week and this time I'm going to be in it - not just filming. With clowns. Clowns scare the shit out of me. I won't have to act that. Maybe - maybe what? I need to get to the pool again. I'm going to take a shower and think more. I'm just going to keep thinking and going to therapy, going to meetings, doing what Her Lady Wonder tells me to do and now the Snake Doctor. Hmmm - maybe I will ask him what he wants his secret name to be. I'm going to brush more. I'm going to make a commitment to brushing EVERY night before bed. How sexy is THAT huh?? I have to make that commitment to myself? Chriiiissstt!!! Bye bye for now Bloggy Blog Blog.

Wow

the show was great. We were a hit - everyone loved it. Of course I am focusing on the 2 people who didn't say anything to me and on the fact that I came home and watched the DVD and I look fat and like I am not performing well at all. Ugh - really? And I had SO much fun while we were performing!! I really did - it was a blast and the audience LOVED it - we got some applause breaks even. Or people were clapping anyway. And now NOW I am freaking out. I really am. I feel fat and gross and like my jealousy and envy is always going to get in the way of me being able to actually do what I want. For having performed ONE time in the last year I was great and WHY am I comparing myself to the other girl? She was so not being - anything other than a performer. She was great - I just feel so untalented. I feel like I came up with good ideas and she just got to be great - even thought that is all complete bullshit. SHE ADDED SO MUCH!! SO much. Fuck I am so fucking confused. I really am all twisted up. I wish that therapy was still tomorrow instead of Tuesday. I feel like I can't wait. I could have been way more animated while performing and I could have looked at the audience. But I didn't and who cares? I really enjoyed working with her and she was really brave and not a douche at all. This is just all my stuff - coming right the fuck up. On a separate note that fuckface brought his girlfriend and she was just - fuck I don't know what. She ignored me and I ignored her and I never said hi to him. What an awkward horrible situation. I wish I could move past my feelings - it all makes me so uncomfortable and seeing her and him makes me doubt myself in every way. It also reminds me of all the awful mistakes I made - all the pain I caused or was a part of. It's very ugly. Dear God it almost makes me crazy. If I had a gallon of ice cream I would eat it right now. It's awful. Larni was there and that was great although - I don't know. HE sent me a message and said I was a special person and I did not know what that meant at all. What is wrong with me? I feel like I can't fucking grow the fuck up - do what I want to do and just get over the past. I got so excited after we performed because I felt like I had FUN and it was healthy. I just have to calm down - relax. I drank too much soda, had nachos and pizza and pigs in a blanket AND a brownie. Last night I had cake and pizza and a tiny bit of soda. Of course I feel gross. Okay - tomorrow is a new day. Fucking AAAAAA this is so fucking hard. IT just is - I can't help it. I'm fighting the good mother fucking fight and I feel like I'm losing. FUCK. Bye Blueberry - till manana.

Christmas Party

at work today. I'm so nervous - we are performing and there is going to be SO much drinking. Oh my lord it's open bar and there will be SO many people getting shit-faced. I was going to get there super early but I haven't even showered yet so I think I might just be early. I won't be able to get to a meeting today or at least that's what I'm telling myself. Oh dear - this is freaking me out. I feel like this one guy wants to really involve himself in what we are doing and his ideas are so cheesy. Whatever - oh dear - not whatever - I don't have a good attitude about this at all. Okay - it's okay. The most important thing is that I stay sober. For real - have fun and stay sober. Wow this feels so good to write on here - it has been awhile!! Okay. Okay. A shower and some music will help me to feel better. I love you Blogg - Happy Sunday :):)!!

Unbelievable

My landlord/friend came in my room last night while I was at work and turned on the shower to try and work out the hot water bubble in the pipe. I had a towel on the floor of the shower because I threw it there and he didn't see it I guess and it got soaking wet and he left it there (again because he didn't see it). It's not so weird or so creepy but it's annoying and now I can't tell if I left me file box open like that - with the latch open or was he looking in my file box?? And I would have NEVER known he was in here and he didn't tell me and he came out of his room and asked me something when I got home from work. Here's the truth now besides that. This quitting coffee thing is so hard and I'm having withdrawals and I'm upset. I shared int he meeting last night and I felt like I wasn't really honest and I felt like I bombed. Ha - wow - so scary. I did however walk to work and that made me feel much better. I need to somehow add exercising into my daily routine - it helps so much. I'm being so hard on myself - this is what happens with me. I just get so hard on myself. Well I am hoping that with the coffee out of me and all of those withdrawals out of the way - what?? What am I hoping? I forgot what I was going to write. Well who knows but I hope that I get to another level of health. And well to be honest - some days just aren't that great and some shares are not the most amazing thing ever. I did the right thing for me. I was very intimidated by some women who were there. I just need to keep going and keep trying. This is definitely not easy. It's so fucking hard in fact. I really want to stuff my face with bread and cheese and pepperoni ALL the time and I want to drink GALLONS of coffee with cream and lots of sugar. Oh and I side tray of brownies. There we go!! But then I would get so depressed - so utterly depressed and I can't go through these withdrawals again. No way - fuck that. My skin looks a little different and the color of my eyes - absolutely different. Okay I need to eat some food and drink that nasty green drink and try to pray/meditate and take a shower, walk the dog and get to a meeting before work. I have to think of the green drink as my friend. My magic green friend. Haa - well that didn't work for me. My friend who doesn't seem like my friend but is?? Okay that's better. OH BOY. Fuuuucckkk this is so tricky. Bye Blueberries.

So exhausted

I am so tired. I slept 9 hours last night - more like well no 9 hours and I could sleep 2 more. I am going to meet a girl from work to work on something for the Christmas party and honestly - I wish I could go back to bed. I have now weened myself off of so much coffee. I am down to one coffee a day and right now I feel withdrawals. I don't make it at home anymore. I also feel like I have been fighting off a cold for 2 weeks. Well since last week. Oh dear this is getting depressing. I'm stressed out. And I feel foolish for being so stressed about taking care of myself. I feel like I have a simple life and that it's still too much. I have some green tea I made for myself right here and I just need to drink it and take a shower. I really need a shower - that's a big part of the problem. I need to wash my hair. I just feel gross and not sexy. I feel like I have been climbing up this hill and I just realized I'm only part way there - it's very frustrating. I just would like to feel okay - not sick. I now added a green drink everyday (that I make with Chia seeds) to my regime and ground flax on my food. I'm completely changing how I eat and for the life of me - i feel hungover. Well this will change and it will get better. I will feel better - for sure. I have to bathe and get to Queens. I miss you Blueberry.

I read the blog again

and this time it seemed so much better. More loving and real. We have very different writing styles. I can't help it I feel like a dick for being judemental. Sometimes I feel like it's all I've got. Judging others. Gotta gooooo.

The guests came early!!

The couple coming from Hong Kong came early so they are here and I can grocery shop and go to the meeting. I read some of my old posts last night from June. Wow - I've gotten a lot better. Not as a writer - in fact I could be more honest now - but healthier in myself (body, spirit, and SOUL MOTHER FUCKER!!!). I am so tired. I was right in the middle of a crazy dream and I heard the doorbell ring. My landlord said that they were checking in at 6:30 and I thought they might be early. When I worked at that hotel (not just live in one) I used to always expect the people early and they usually were. I was thinking that if I started to write while I was still sleepy I wouldn't have the energy to censor myself. Turns out I just don't have the energy. Haha. Rim shot. See - I already censored myself. I wanted to write about the writer I wrote about last night. He's very prolific. Writes lots of stuff - tons - so he must be very passionate about his work. It must feel really good for him to write so wouldn't it be at some point he will get good? I wonder what kind of critiques he has gotten from people. I went to see a play he wrote and I had NO fucking idea what was going on. The guy seating next to me looked at me at the end of the play and I said "Huh." And he said "Exactly." The actors seemed to love it - and he was there watching and laughing - really enjoying himself. I was so confused. But I have to say I really respect his ability to write so often and to actually get stuff produced!!! That's amazing. I wonder where I could take a writing class. Perhaps I just like a different style of writing than the kind he does. Why am I trying to be NICE he's never going to read this and I'm not being mean. It has inspired me in some strange way and that's amazing. Not that I would like that - "Hey your shitty writing has inspired me to become a much better writer!! Isn't that amazing!!" I have to walk the dog. :):) Thanks for being here. P.s. I feel guilty. P.s.s. I love you (hahahhha!!!)

Hmmm - this is curious....

So I went to work and it was okay - fine - I got to work and I made money. I ate from my new favorite restaurant!! Pot Roast with au gratin potatoes, green beans and carrots. Which was amazing. Then in the matter of 45 minutes I ate 4 pieces of pepperoni pizza. coke (soda), french fries (A LOT), and something else?? OH RIGHT!! The MOST amazing chocolate mousse cake that they got for the girl who is leaving. Seriously - I just lost my shit - kind of. Haha - kind of - okay - I went a little "stuff my face" on myself but not only was it GOOD but it was fun. So there you go. And now I don't have to work again till Thursday and I can get myself back on track. I was so good the other 2 days and that's AMAZING plus I did actually have a healthy dinner (unless you are one of those a-holes that doesn't think Yankee Pot Roast is healthy). Hmmmm - oh darn I forgot to take my medicine!!! Hold on I will be right back. Okay I did it. My body hurts I'm so glad I don't have to work tomorrow. I have to be here to check some guests in. That's okay - I have errands I can run and I can maybe - what? I really wanted to grocery shop. I wanted to go to my meeting. Ahhh - sad face. Maybe the people will come early and then I can go!!! That would be fantastic!! It's so freaking late. It's 4:45 a.m. Okay I keep not saying what I want to say. I just read someones blog that I know and the writing is atrocious. Is it just not how I would write? I'm so confused. I'm also being really judgemental but - what the fuck? It's awful - even the sentence structure. I need - I WANT to take a writing class. I want to haaaa - I was going to say go back to school for writing but I do not want to do that. I want to take a class and learn more. Maybe I don't know proper sentence structure myself!! I just felt like I was 1. Bored while I was reading the blog. 2. Looking at a flat surface - like skimming the surface?? It just had no passion and REALNESS to it. Really - really can I say this? I just can't keep reading this blog and it sucks because I like this person but their writing for everything I have seen sucks. It just doesn't translate. What is great about this person doesn't translate into their art. I need to go to sleep. I love you Blueberry. Talk to you tomorrow!!

Happy Saturday

Last night was great at work and I've found a new place to eat at that has amazing home cooked food and - I love it. I was just eating whatever was free from work and lord - no wonder I was so fat. Really - nachos and pizza OR Chinese food?? ALL the time?? And not "healthy" nachos (if there is such a thing) but nasty cheese sauce and gross chips nachos. Negative healthy. Oh lord - and the doctor asked me what would happen if I got hungry and just didn't eat the bad food and I said - well I guess I would just be a little hungry and be okay. Which I had to wait last night to eat and I got a little shaky - AND the amount of free pizza and french fries that flows through that place!!! Oh - torture!!! I did eat 4 french fries. 5?? Hmmm - maybe 6. But - well -give me a fucking break - I can't be perfect or even - that much in control. I'm - um - still in early recovery. SO anyway - it's way more money to eat like that but so much more worth it. I get to eat delicious food and not feel like I'm going to pass out afterwards. SO much better and cheaper in the long run I think. Well so now it's late - 3:45 and I need to get ready for work. I am so fucking amazed by my nails. They are actually getting better. SO much better. The lines are leaving my nails - unbelievable. I am so grateful for this. I am going back to the doctor on Tuesday - and I will see if I - what? Am doing better? Responding well to the treatment I suppose. So things are a little better. I now control my eating I would say 75% more. I was just shoving food in my face left and right and then coming home and eating more - so late at night. I even realize now that I get hungry only there is food in my stomach. I just get hungry. But I don't listen to it - most of the time. I already said I weighed myself at the vet again right? I lost 6 pounds since the last time I went and weighed myself. I wrote in my journal that I weighed 158 the last time I went there and when I went on Tuesday I weighed 152. I remember one time last year at the gym I weighed myself and I weighed 175. How do I bold with this thing? Maybe that did it. Right now it says Strong on either side of 175. I am not tall. That is the weight of a MAN. A STRONG man. Hahahha - oh boy. A lady at the gym walked by me while I was on the scale and said "Don't worry it weighs heavy." I was so mad. Or I weighed heavy lady. Lady - I'm such an ass - she was probably trying to be nice. I need to go and get ready - and take a few minutes to pray and meditate. I wish you could see these nails. It's absolutely amazing.

Good morning the baby is crying/singing

I'm not sure what she's doing I just know she woke me up after I had only 6 hours of sleep. But the reason why I even went to sleep that late to begin with was because work had an extra show so I was at work till late and THEN I worked on a little thing for the Christmas Party/Show with my manager an hmmmm - what do I call him? Larold. Okay so I worked on this thing with Larold and Wolfgang and it was HILARIOUS and FUN. I really was belting out some songs. Very poorly but that was the point. It felt so GOOD!!. I also made more than I normally would have last night so that was AMAZING although I could not SHUT UP about things. Meaning I just kept spouting bullshit about things that upset me, people that upset me blah blah. I turn into such an asshole when I am there. I get excited because someone is actually paying attention to me orrr or is it because I can be obnoxious and it's funny? I don't know but I get very VERY VEEERRRYYYY gossipy and talking shit about people behind their backs AND to their faces and that's not cool. Funny in a dickhead kind of way but not good. I had a disagreement with one guy about how being a good artist and being a good person are not synonymous. I said the better a you you are the better an artist you are. He said no - basically and he was being a dick about it and it INFURIATED me. He's southern and he was doing that smiling but fuck you thing and I was like - "okay disagree with me that's fine - I don't care - don't go to therapy or better yourself and I can hear the fuck you in your voice by the way." Then he had the balls to be like "No no fuck you - I just want you to convince me." I was like "I don't fucking work for you - you asked me why I thought everyone in New York goes to therapy - I told you and you don't agree with me - so no I won't convince you." He said to someone else "She said oh if your nice you will be a better comic." WHICH IS NOT WHAT I SAID. And when I said "I think a lot of people in New York go to therapy because a lot of people here are artists and a good way to be a better artist is to be a better person and therapy is a way to help achieve that." - he said "Oh what kind of artist are you?? (Again - like a dick) and I said "I told you a long time ago I was a comedian" and he was like - "Oh yeah but you don't do it anymore" and I said (thinking to myself - this guy is a douche and that you can be an artist in MANY WAYS and that just because I'm not up there right now doing something doesn't take my artist soul from me and THEN) "Well I would go to therapy no matter what - I have always been a seeker." And who cares what else he said and what else I said - the point is I flipped out and was like get the fuck away from me - you're a fucking asshole. I didn't say that - I said - whatever - you don't agree with me and you aren't even hearing what I'm saying. HE actually had the balls to say "So and so is an asshole onstage and he's really successful - so what are you talking about?" I said "It's an ACT that he's doing and I happen to know the guy and that he works really hard on himself (and I know that he's SOBER fuckface - which I did not say that part)." He was like - oh I don't know him blah blah. Am I wrong? Can you be a great artist and never search your soul or really try to be the best you you can be? I said nothing about being NICE. What does that have to do with anything? And for that matter if you aren't FUNNY - which he wasn't being - he was just being aggressive and dicky - like REAL dicky - you won't be a good comic - AT ALL because you aren't funny. Look I wanted to be right but I said that "This is just how I feel and just because you are a working comic making people laugh with fart joke doesn't make you a good artist." Which he didn't understand. I felt like I was suddenly on trial defending myself and to be honest - that comment he made at the beginning of the discussion about "What kind of artist are you?" made me realize he disrespects me. He actually put me in some 'waitress' category and was like - well - hey wait a minute I never even said I went to therapy because I'm an artist and in fact I told him would go to therapy no matter what. I don't feel as though I am making my point. Well my overall point is that he is an asshole and I don't like him AT ALL anymore. He tried to say sorry but there was still so much fuck you underneath it. SO MUCH. He was like "Hey I'm sorry no fuck you here - no fuck you - I like you I was just kidding blah blah" and I was like "Oh okay - bye - whatever." I really - I was so pissed. I looked at him and I could feel SO MUCH fuck you under what he was saying. He just wants to perform there and didn't want to be - whatever - dicky to the "waitress" in such an obvious way? I have no idea - what an asshole. I should know better that to just randomly talk art and therapy with people who I don't know. Can you imagine if I brought the program up????? I CAN ONLY IMAGINE!!!! This fucking douche bags preconceived notions about sobriety. He was being completely closed minded - he really was. I just really thought that this guy is miserable. He is a miserable person. And he's married and has kids - he's got a LIFE to be grateful for. I'm sure I'm being unreasonable. I was just surprised by how - off putting he was. I don't know. He asked me why everyone in New York goes to therapy and I told him what I thought and he misconstrued it AND attacked me. And put me down. "What kind of artist are you???" Fuck off. Dick. CHRIST people keep SLAMMING doors here. Jesus. So that was that. Today I went on FB and Larni wrote something that looked like a joke of mine. A joke of mine he ASKED me for. Called me and said "Can I have this joke?" And I said "No I still want it." Then he wrote something yesterday that is similar to it. He even used the same name of one of the people int hte joke. Honestly what an asshole. I'm upset - it's not cool. I know it's just FB but he's - crazy sometimes. I have to let it go. For now. Will say something to him though. I feel like he's mad because we couldn't film something here when I was sick and now the rooms are all booked up. But more than that I just - I concede to him a lot. I'm not sure why. Maybe I've always thought he was better than me somehow? But honestly - that's so NOT okay - at all. I'm not sure what to do. It was a totally different set up - but a similar - very similar idea. I'm going to leave a comment. WEll I did. I said "I loooove this joke." I hope he gets it. It's very passive aggressive but I don't care. I let him come here and film 3 movies and I also worked that camera for him for SO many times and he was MAD at me for not doing it right when he was editing them wrong. He did apologize for that but seriously - again - he doesn't respect me. He's an angry person.. SO am I. For real. Don't be stealing my shit when I already told you no. Also - what the fuck? He didn't use the punch but he made the premise the joke. Why am I so mad? He can be a little usie sometimes and not nice. Like sort of passive aggressive and usie himself. He sounded annoyed when we got off the phone the other day. I'm upset. Well - okay - I'm also exhausted. There is no WAY I would have slept today - they were so loud. I'm confused. This is what happens in relationships right? People have things they need to work out? I really do lesser myself around him - why? That's the real issue. I don't even feel like I can say anything to him or he will lash out. Am I afraid of him? Am I just a pussy? Christ. CHRISSSSTTTTT!!!!!! Tired and fucking annoyed. SO FUCKING TIRED AND ANNOYED. Fuck you douches with your dumb foreign speaking baby.

Thursday December 2nd, 2010

Holy shit this is so - bizarre. I can feel myself changing and things - getting cleaner. My thoughts, my body, my room and even the dog. It's all getting more simple. Someone else I'm sure has said this and gone through it and probably knows how to say it more eloquently but I'm going to say it as I'm experiencing it. It feels like my eyes are changing. Today for about 2 minutes my eyes felt less tired and less far back in my head. Like there was less heaviness in my frontal lobe. So - okay - there's that. I laughed when I wrote that. Then I also slept 9 hours last night and that was WITHOUT anything aiding me in any way. I just slept until I woke up. And I ALMOST felt refreshed when I woke up!! Imagine that!! But I didn't need to sleep anymore but I did feel a change so that's good. That's some progress there. I think once I get the coffee out of my routine I will feel way less tired and I will sleep a lot more. Okay then also I slept until 1:30 which upset me because then I couldn't swim and well but I have to be nice to myself. It's okay - it's going to take time for me to adjust. But I do need to wake up in the morning and well go to sleep earlier. It is so hard for me to not beat myself up. It will be okay - I just - like I said yesterday or whenever - it scares me. Doing something so loving and healthy for myself scares me. I feel selfish and like I don't have the right. I need to pray and meditate. I don't have time but I'm going to make it. I will write later Blueberry - I love you :):)

I went swimming.

I fucking went swimming and it was amazing. I did flip turns and I moved my body in the water - it was - amazing. It felt so good. I went in the steam room also but that made me feel a little sick. I started to take the adrenal tablets and I feel like my adrenal glands are hurting from being sick, introducing the tablets and then swimming. I absolutely loved it. I hadn't shaved and I look - horrendous in the suit,goggle, swim cap combo but I could care less. It felt so good - so healthy and because it's right near my house it was fast. I went and bought a lock for my locker and wow - I am in awe. That was something really nice I did for myself. I'm about to beat myself up for having not done it for the last month and a half but whatever - I did it now and I broke the seal so now I can keep going. Then I did something else good for myself. I went and got an omelet from the deli and he made it (for some reason) with peppers, onions, and tomatoes. I can NOT eat all of those together and I can never eat peppers. My body hates them. So I asked him to remake it. The last time he did that I had already gotten home and I tried to eat around it. It also cost like - 7 dollars more. This is the world's most boring blog. It just feels good for me to write. Holy shit. I need to shower now. It's such a blustery, rainy day!! It was fun to walk around in although I smell like a wet dog now. Haha - oh - s worth it. SO WORTH IT!! Bye.

I'm awake and it's

morning. Amazing. I woke up and was a tiny bit upset that I was awake and also a bit - down - heading towards sadness? I got the dog in bed with me which helped - SO much - oh my lord thank you for that little furry face. But I have to say a big part of what was upsetting me - besides being awake after only 5 hours of sleep (ALTHOUGH it is so good to be awake in the morning) is I am bored. I am mother fucking bored. I need mental stimulation for real. Um being retired isn't as awesome as I thought it would be. I also could really use a routine. I mean that is actually part of what the doctor said I should be doing - regular sleeping hours, night ritual, regular waking hours. It scares me. Routine scares me. Jesus. I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to structure myself. however I will try. Today starts 2 things. Numero uno - only one cup of coffee. Start that now - one cup. I'm having green tea right now. I will have that. Ohhhhhhh he said I really need to stay away from sugar. So no more of those green tea/lemonades. Well okay - I will save money with all of this and that is fantastic. Then I also am going to go to the gym. I'm going to go get in that bathing suit I bought and get in that pool I have been paying for. I have to start. I will definitely be less depressed if I start to exercise and if I start to exercise doing something I love - like swimming. Oh dear - it's raining out. This makes me feel like I shouldn't go. What? I love the rain - no problem and I even own an umbrella. This is like being a teen again. A young adult? I am mother fucking relearning how to take care of myself - holy shit. How - bizarre. Totally bizarre. I feel better that I got out of bed and ate breakfast, took my vitamins and wrote on here. Now I will get dressed and walk the dog. Then go to the gym. It's only 4 blocks away and then I can have eggs. Yes - eggs. Eggs are so good. Oh boy - okay. Here I go. Signing off. Going. Yikes. I'm afraid of me in a bathing suit. Goggles. And a swim cap. Oh boy.

I feel much better and I also feel hope.

Trust me that was NOT easy to say and of course because I said it it's making me freak out. However - this is what happened. My alarm went off at 7 a.m. and that meant I had about 3 hours of sleep. Well I instantly fell back asleep for another hour and a half. Still not enough sleep and now I had a half hour to get to the eye clinic in time (well according to the time she told me to be there at). So I fell back asleep after I decided that I didn't need to be there by 9 - I could get there at 11 - 10? I don't know what I was thinking as I kept waking up and telling myself whatever and then going back to sleep. At some point I decided that I had to go to the holistic doctor at 2 and that I would ask him about my eye. Which is exactly what I did. He said it's my liver. I finally got an eye wash kit - with the little cup and I came home and used it and it seemed better instantly. I needed to sleep so I slept. I got lost on my way to the doctor and I was so upset - it was raining and my phone wouldn't work and I didn't recognize anything even though I had been there 2 weeks ago. I finally got his secretary on the phone and she was SO nice - so nice. Then he looked at all my stuff - reviewed everything and asked me if I thought this was a good path for healing and if it was going to be okay for me money wise. But before that he said I was a good candidate for this type of healing. Well - I said yes and then he gave me some papers and some different things to start to take and do and then he said I need to be nice to myself. To make a serious commitment to be kind to myself. I said it's so hard and he said it's hard for all of us. But that it's so important for my healing. I'm still amazed. He's a nice guy and all the things he said to do are inexpensive (for the most part) and just - he's a nice, smart doctor who said for me to be nice to myself. Holy shit. So I walked to get the dog's special food, talked to a friend who really needed to talk, had some eggs, went to a meeting and answered the door because no one was there to do it. Now I have another person in my life telling me that it's okay to be nice to myself. I have no idea if his liver theory is correct but I'm going to look it up after this. I can say this - I'm glad I didn't completely make myself crazy by getting 3 hours of sleep and spending more money by going to the clinic. And I didn't stuff my face today but I enjoyed my food. And now I'm going to ween myself off of coffee - for real. He said I should start to slow down and it's time. Do you know it makes me think - oh - now I won't be able to drink coffee with my parents. I can drink water - or tea. It's okay. I cleaned tonight and washed my sheets. I soaked my feet in epsom salts and cut my toenails. I put on clean pajamas and I drank water. I flossed and put a cucumber mask on. One of those ones that when you peel it off looks like your skin is coming off - love it. I seriously need so much healing now around my actual physical body. I stopped poisoning myself with drugs and alcohol and I detoxed from it. Now I need to heal. Holy shit - now that I'm not eating myself through this or completely going overboard with coffee - I can feel how my body needs to heal. I have feeling part of why I got so depressed was from not only being at work too much but from eating all that pizza and - pizza. I had 4 pieces of pepperoni pizza on Saturday night and I had a piece on my way TO work. Really? And a handful of peanut M&M's and a handful of skittles. Oh and I was drinking soda water with cranberry juice in it and our cranberry juice is LOADED with corn syrup. All of that and I'm an alcoholic - I get upset. Is that a thing I can say? I can say this - I WAS SO GLAD that I didn't drink yesterday or smoke pot or do something else to hurt myself. I really thought that today that I wasn't hung over. I was sober and I was so happy for that. I hope that I will get stronger. But it did pass - I no longer feel as horrible and I do indeed feel hopeful about this new path of healing. Another bunch of tools - and they seem to make sense. I'm going to look up the liver eye thing. Goodnight Blueberries - thank you for being you.

I can't sleep

and I've been laying there for over 2 hours. I feel a little better. Perhaps because I did not let myself eat myself out of this place. I spoke to my sponsee and that got me out of myself. I just wish I could stop having the past flood up in my memories and fill me with regret. What is the point of regret? No point. I need to move on. How? Maybe I will feel better after the holistic doctor. Maybe I will feel better after I adjust to not eating myself through my feelings. Maybe I feel badly because I took Benedryl for 2 weeks and it made me sleep and maybe I didn't need so much sleep that wasn't authentic. Inauthentic sleep. Inauthentic anything blows. I'm trying to think of me taking care of myself and my life as if I were a baby. As if I were my own parent. Seems ridiculous yet at the same time - quite possible a good idea. What would I do? How would I take care of me? No wonder no one reads this - how ugh - self-centered. REALLY? Because I want to be okay and I'm trying everything in my brain power to be okay? Christ - it's good for fucks sake. I think I think I cheated by taking Benedryl. I didn't need it the last couple of nights - the cold was gone - but I took it anyway. I told my friend. She's very short. Tiny. So small - I feel like a giant around her and I'm not that tall. And her sponsor is SO tall. Taller than my sister who is tall and she's tall!! Christ how am I going to get to this doctor by 9? The other doctor by 2 and somehow a meeting? And I have yet to go to the gym. Meaning I signed up for it - I pay for it - but I don't go. Huh. That would probably make me feel better. For sure. How would I take care of myself if I were my own parent and I were a baby? How about just a child. A person parenting themselves? When I was at therapy tonight and I was so negative I said to her I'm sorry for being so negative and she asked me why I thought it was bad. Then she said that if I'm feeling negative and I express it then that's good. Or okay at least. OF course - I shouldn't sit on that energy. Ugh this is so hard. This year of sobriety feels so much harder than last year. This is so intense and not fattening. Just can't do it though. The eating doesn't work anymore. I don't know how to do what's right really yet but I can tell you that numbing things doesn't feel good anymore either. So now I just have to relearn and at the same time make some wise choices for myself. Maybe I should become an art teacher. Maybe I should do some more shows. Maybe I should write a book. I can complain for 200 pages. I will call it "I Complained For 200 Pages." I will get someone real miserable to write the foreword. I want a better life and that is good. I can move home and still come to the city. Why does that make me so sad? Where would I go? Live? I would need a car and a job. A real job. I need some guidance. I need to pray I guess. "Please Dear Lord Help Me Raise Myself Better Than The Last 40 Years." It will be the sequel to my first book. Not as funny as I thought it would be. I don't feel safe creatively here. Big part of my problem. Lots of things need to change. Well - okay - now that that is all cleared up - goodnight.

Went to therapy

and told her how depressed I am and how I want to move. I hate living here - I hate it. I am sick of waitressing and I no longer - ugh - why am I writing? I am miserable. I hope I will feel better tomorrow. I need to make some better choices for myself but I have no confidence in myself. I wish something would happen. I wish someone would love me. I wish - I don't know. I wish I had some money - do I? I am so fucking depressed. I need to rest. I am going to say that tomorrow will be a better day - even though I'm not sure I believe that. Bye Blueberry.

Totally depressed

I worked last night - picked up the shift - and of course only one chick made good money. Why does this chick get to do whatever she wants? she's an asshole and she always makes the most money - fuck - I wouldn't even care except that I have a fucked up eye and I need to go to the doctor. I am so not okay. I am over it. It's done - I'm done. I am exhausted,old and I can't get it back. I can't get my drive back for comedy and acting. I am so filled with hate and misery right now. I must not be in the right place - doing the right thing. I can't even get out of bed. I'm so tired. I am going back to that holistic doctor tomorrow and I'm just going to have to wait till then to deal with my eye. I have a feeling that it isn't good. Really? I have had a bad eye for months now. It started in the summer time. I'm so depressed and I hate my life. I hate my job, I hate living here - it's fucking ridiculous - it's total doucheness all the time. I'm upset - I'm not saying nice things. Why should I? People are assholes and they get what they want. This chick has been making all the money for months and she's traveling for all of December and then not coming back because she's moving to LA. Oh that's nice - so I can't afford to GO TO THE DOCTOR but she can travel all over the place. I have no health insurance (my fault), I'm a waitress (my fault), live in a crazy house (my fault), divorced - ugh I am very upset. I just don't see the point. I have therapy today and honestly it's too much work. I can't take it. I'm done. It's all too much. My manager was over and hour late yesterday. Then she sat there and ate lasagna. She made more money than me last night and she just bought a new car. I fucking hate her. How do you not show up to a job on time where you don't have to DO ANYTHING? It's SO FUCKING RUDE. And my other manager asked me to do something for the Christmas party but has yet to send us what it is he wants us to do. It's over. I'm going to be 40 in July and who the fuck am I kidding? It's not going to change. I'm not going to get inspired - nothing is going to change - I'm never going to be an actress and my dreams have died. I need to move somewhere warm. I need health insurance and to either go back to school or get a real job. It's over, it's done. Forget it. I wish I could be happy somehow but I don't see that in my near future or even in my future. Forget it.

Lord

help me please. My weird eye thing is back. It's all red and it looks horrendous and it hurts a little bit. To be honest I can't tell if it hurts but it looks like it hurts. I'm sinking. work was lame last night and I have to pay rent - when? Oh boy - Wednesday. Hmmmm - I'm not so sure how that is going to happen. Well awesome. I'm frustrated for real. I should walk to work. I would have been sort of okay but I missed 2 nights of work from being sick and then I missed Thursday because they were closed for Thanksgiving. You know I just can sit here and complain, more or I can pray/meditate and then try to get myself walking to work and buy myself some yummy dinner on the way. Call Her Lady Wonder. I can't get depressed. I will go to the doctor tomorrow and I will go back to the Holistic doctor on Tuesday. And I will give him as much rent as I can. Not sure what else to do. Just keep going - keep my head above water. And I will try to enjoy swimming. I know and tonight at work I will ask my boss about going up onstage there. Hmmm - yes - for real. Okay - I have my missions for the day. I will make the best of it. Aggg - so tricky - keeping it light is so tricky!!!

Happy Thanksgiving and

oh dear. Well it was a nice day - I went to a very nice party in Midtown and the apartment was beautiful and filled with so much warmth and love. It has a view of the city that is amaaaazing - really gorgeous. I came home and spent some time here with everyone celebrating, which was much less drug and alcohol infused than I thought it was going to be. I talked to my Mom, my best friend and my sister and that was great. But oh dear Blogg now I'm upset. I'm so upset and I have to write it out and get it out of me. This is so silly but I guess it had to happen. So last Sunday Soft Hugger hugged me only I wasn't feeling well and I didn't want to get him sick so it was awkward - to say the least. Then I went outside and he joked about something and I said bye and that was nice. So of course in my brain a relationship is growing between us. I laughed when I wrote that because it's funny and it's so ridiculous. Well I'm embarrassed to write this but I looked at his FB page and he wrote something to someone who I know and it got me so upset. I've seen him write to her before and a mutual friend of all of us told me she liked him - months ago and then I remembered all of that, got upset, decided he loves her, and than I got more upset. Let me also say he and I are NOT friends on FB. And then I started to ACTUALLY get depressed. And she's a comedian and WAY more successful than I am or have ever been and now I feel sick. I did a show the other night and it was fun and a really cute room that was packed with people. Some friends came and Larni and I had fun laughing in the back waiting to go up. Then we went to the diner afterwards and wrote until 2:30 in the morning. So much fun - so comedy. Well then all of a sudden I feel upset. I will never catch up, I will never be that funny, I will never be loved by someone who I love, why am I being mean to myself? Ugh - okay I feel like this is good in a way and that it had to happen. I can't have a boyfriend right now - especially an imaginary one. And I really need to think about this comedy thing. Thing?? I just - I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can not do it. I'm tired and now I'm getting sad. Larni asked me if I would just be happy supporting my husband in his career (if I had one) and having his babies. I was like uhhh - I don't know? NO - NO is the answer. No I wouldn't be - what the fuck? Not drinking and doing drugs is so much easier now and the really amazing thing is that I am soooo much more social and able to be charming - sober. I love people - I don't need booze to lighten up/ease up/open up. I loved being sober and social yesterday. For sure. But I'm so confused about the comedy. My art. Love. Jesus. It's making me beat myself up for some reason. Well since I know I am I can stop. Here's the thing - maybe I should just take another year - the rest of the year till next September to be celibate still. Give myself the rest of this year to focus on my art and see what happens. Really? How lame does that sound? But I can't get all in my head about someone. I have to focus on myself in a healthy way. Well why don't I just say that. I'm going to focus on me in a healthy way - open myself up to art and see where it takes me. I'm going to meditate and ask to be shown the right way. I have to work tonight. I need inspiration. I really do. But I also need to be nice to myself. Really nice. Thanks for being here. You are the best listener ever Blue!!!

Okay

I decided staying here was for the best - I slept 12 hours last night so I obviously am still not feeling well. It's an open mike so there is no pressure and well - this is the decision I made so okay. Plus I have to greet today at the meeting so I'm glad to be of service. Is my energy ever going to come back? I got paid for Jury Duty - awesome. I also went to the store and bought coffee to make at home instead of going to the bodega and drinking their nasty coffee. Please I would have drank it but there were about 20 12 year old kids trying to get food so I left. I am definitely drinking less coffee. Fuck I'm scared - what if I never find my flow again? Seriously?? All I seem to want to do is watch movies and TV shows and - go to meetings and work once in awhile. Okay - I need to calm down. Calm down. But if I'm really going to pursue this I need to do it everyday. Okay - so go to a meeting everyday, write everyday (oh I also have been writing) and then perform everyday? Night? How am I going to watch 4 to 7 hours of television/movies/hulu? Jesus. I need to take my vitamins. This coffee tastes good. Oh dear - oh boy - I just have to break out of this cycle of being retired. I always said when I was little that I wanted to grow up to be retired. Who says that? "When I grow up I want to be retired." Well I changed my mind thank you very much. Yeesh. Bye Blue - I will talk to you later.

Jesus

I blew off me family and upset my Mother for Thanksgiving so I could stay here and do this show and it turns out it's an OPEN MIKE. What the fuck?? So for the last hour and a half I have been plummeting. Why didn't I ASK what kind of show it was - where it is blah blah. Putting all this emphasis on this show - see if I even want to perform anymore - see what direction I want to take my life. What bullshit. I'm so upset. Am I? Yes yes I am - I'm so fucking confused. Who the fuck am I and why am I here? Why can't I leave this city or at least be doing what I came here for? Do I expect something overnight? Yes - I guess I do. Oh Christ I'm just upset. I feel like really - maybe the time has passed. Why would someone who has never seen me perform suddenly book me for a show? I'm beating myself up. It also makes me feel stupid - not hard to do. I just don't understand. I felt so good suddenly - like I was really growing up and now I feel like a jerk. Okay - well okay. Okay. WEll okay. It takes a lot of pressure off of me as far as performing goes. For sure. And I have the time. I really have the time. I have worked on my writing and it would be fun to get up and try it out. Without pressure. Okay. I'm just shocked but also - wow - ask some questions - jeez. Now - it just also makes me feel like - well - lord - it's good I'm not dating. I think I'm having caffeine withdrawal. This isn't funny and now I'm having a bad attitude. It's not until 11:00 at night!!! I'm up until 3 a.m. why do I care? Ha - I don't really know. Okay - how many more times am I going to say that? Christ. Fuck. Okay - OKAAAAYYY.

Haha - I'm laughing even though

I'm slightly insulted. I"m not even sure if that's the right word but I'm annoyed for sure. I just went on FB to check for what I have no idea. A guy comes on the chat and says hi - who always flirts with me and a few weeks ago I met his girlfriend. Well she is wonderful and I'm not attracted to him anyway so now I REALLY don't want to flirt with him. Mind you he's harmless and he loves her but it's annoying. I've known him for years through comedy and I really like him as a person and I think he's funny and we have a lot of friends in common. So I chat with him when he wants to chat. WELL tonight he says what's new and I tell him that I'm going to do a show Wednesday night for the first time in a year. And I say - this will be good to help me figure out where I'm going. To which he replied "Oh what - you aren't happy where you are?? Join the club." And I said "I don't know how to reply to that." So then I tried to chat with him a little more and then I realized - oh he was being a dick and I don't have to talk to him. Ugh - remember Sweet Fingers?? Well that's how I feel around him too. Like on eggshells sort of - like he's going to be angry at any moment or like there is no way I can ever say the right thing or that he/both of them are filled with some kind of rage that I am sure to set off somehow. Fuck that. I realized this weekend when I saw Sweet Fingers and I instantly got uncomfortable and nervous that that is a sucky feeling. Why would I want to try to pursue some kind of relationship with someone who - well for starters - never asks me out (HA!!) and then also - I feel horrible around and I feel like at any moment might be a dick and get angry. Fuck that. So I said Happy Thanksgiving to Mr. Douche Chat (who is a nice guy as is Sweet Fingers) and hung up on FB. Seriously - I'm a person who deserves ease in relationships. Fuck that. What's wrong with me figuring out my life and doing a show for THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR and thinking that it might be SPECIAL and also THANKS for the support Mr. Douche Chat. Fuck - what an asshole. Well anyway - I need to work on my set for that show. I wrote last night and now I need to write again tonight. But I wanted to write on here first but FIRST I had to get my interaction with both Sweet Fingers and Mr. Douche Chat off my chest. I felt so much better on Saturday when I realized - oh I don't feel good right now!!! Retreat - RETREAT!! Got my power back thank you very much. On another note - hmmmmm - I'm nervous about this show. 8 minutes. Seems so short and yet so very VERY long. Okay - this is good - good. Gonna go work on that now. I miss you Blueberry Blogg!!!!

Get over it.

I'm talking to myself. I keep having - for years now - flashes of all these past memories. Things I walked away from - mistakes I've made - losing my my love, blah blah. Well I can't change any of it and I can't keep beating myself up over it all. I have to get over it. Seriously - life is hard and I'm honestly doing the best I can. I really am. I'm sober. Ugh - I still don't feel well. Whenever I get really sentimental I know I'm not feeling well. I have to work tonight - ugh. But I need a winter coat. It's cold now. I got rid of that other one and now I don't have one that fits. I would like some eggs. I should walk the dog and go get an omelet from the bodega. Should I walk to work? Would that be good or bad for me? I think I just don't have the energy to be hard on myself anymore. I have to get over it. Free myself. Just keep going and get over it. All of it. Move past my past. Ha - I quoted Joshua Radin. I'm very in my head. I am all stuffy in my head and I'm all up in it also. Oh my Mother is calling. I've decided to stay here for Thanksgiving and do a show the night before. I have to get onstage and this is an amazing opportunity. Oh dear - it's her birthday that night. I'm a grown-up - I need to stay here and I need to be okay with my decision. Yeesh. I think I should walk to work - clear my head. So I am going to practice being nice - um well - I am going to practice stopping myself when I start beating myself up and thinking of the past. Practice moving on. Yes - for real. I'm back because I just realized that I'm annoyed because part of why I beat myself up is because I'm not what "society" or different people think of as "successful" or whatever. Too bad I'm not a genius and that I'm sensitive and emotional and I am a woman who doesn't have children or a job that's really doing anything. Who fucking cares? I'm done beating myself up along with everyone else. I am who I am. I need to be nice to myself and right now I need to write this even though it's a little bit beating myself up anyway. Oh dear - I am haha - oh boy - going to cry at work tonight for sure. Maybe not!!! Maybe it will be a great night at work. Calm - like the ocean or a lake. What??? Maybe I have a fever. Ha - oh Blueberry Blogg - keep being you - you are the best.

I feel SO much better

Holy Jesus thank you Lord. I rested and took zinc and ate soup and felt sorry for myself. I went to the doctor yesterday and (oh right - I said I was going to do that) he asked me what was wrong and I started crying. Hahahaaa - okay - that's funny to me. I really was just upset and tired. So he asked me a bunch of questions, I filled out forms and then he gave me Ph strips to use for a week and a week long food log. And already I realized that him just paying attention to me made me take better care of myself. I know I was paying him to but I mean - just knowing someone is going to be checking on me and asking me questions that I have to answer OUT LOUD makes it so much harder for me to lie to myself. Ugh. When I was little and my mother would help me with my homework or if I had a tutor - I did well. But if I didn't get some kind of one on one attention or if there wasn't some big reason for me to stay focused - forget about it. I just didn't do anything. So okay - wow. I told him I was sober for over a year and he asked me if I gave myself credit for that. I said "Um - yes, well I try to give myself credit for that uh yeah." Then he mumbled something about "If you don't give yourself credit for that then the pattern of beating yourself up - well I guess that's what we all do...." Huh? Not huh. I know - I'm so hard on myself and well - the only thing I can do is PRACTICE not doing it. I walked for a way after the visit and then I came home and cleaned and did laundry. Scrubbed the shower and the rest of the bathroom, vacuumed, dusted, changed sheets, washed whatever needed to be washed and drank a ton of detox tea. So. So I am so happy that I feel better and now I'm going to be nice to myself or at least practice being nice to myself. I am also going to quit drinking coffee. I think it's really bad for me and yesterday when I was cleaning I cleaned up little spots of coffee all over the place and the coffee pot was so dirty. I am completely addicted to it of course but to be honest I don't LOVE it. Okay - I love it but I don't LIKE it. So this is my plan - ween myself. One cup a day. I will save thousands of dollars not going to Starbucks. For sure. And I think I will feel much better. He's just going to tell me when I go back for my overall um - what do you call it - evaluation - that I need to stop drinking it anyway. Also it makes my breath gross and - well - blah blah. Time to quit that now is all. Thank God I already quit cigarettes. So. Sew Buttons on Your Underwear. Bye Blue.

Taking my temperature

because I have been so sick. I went to take my temperature last night and the thing that I had thought was a thermometer for years, was some weird little brush thing. It looks like a glass thermometer and then when I opened it it was a weird little brush. I was so confused that I actually closed it and opened it again just to make sure it wasn't somehow a weird little brush, thermometer combo. So I went today and got myself a new thermometer and yes I have a fever but it's not that bad. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hmmmm - a holistic doctor. You know it just occurred to me I should google him. I've been wanting to go to one for years. I have been so hard on myself. Being sick just made it worse. I'm not going there. I took tomorrow night off from work and I've been doing lots of self care. I'm googling that guy - I will be back. Well I guess he is legit. I will see how I feel after I go. It will be nice to talk to someone at least. Okay - bye Blueberries.

Happy Wedding Anniversary

I got married 5 years ago today. It was a day like this also - very pretty out. Then we all walked through Central Park with a friend playing his saxophone and we had Ethiopian food. Then later that night my new husband and I debuted our band at a show - our wedding show. THEN we went to the Bowery Poetry Club and had our first dance on top of the bar - and THEN we went to have our first wedding night together at my friend Liz's apartment on Ludlow Street but I ran away from my husband (because he kept getting mad at me for wanting to smoke pot - even though I had already smoked pot in the morning before we got married)and went home to my own apartment. When I woke up in the morning he was in bed with me because he climbed up the fire escape and broke in through my bedroom window. He had to WALK over the Williamsburg Bridge to even GET there. Soooo - how crazy that it didn't work out??? I went to a meeting today already and I cancelled my dinner plans because I am not feeling well. I will go to therapy and come home and rest. That right there is progress. I feel so badly because I met with my dear friend yesterday - let's call her Lady Charmante - yes that's so good for her - Lady Charmante came to visit me here in the city and we had so much fun!!! We went to the park and walked and laughed and watched a street show, had eggs, went shopping and had cheesecake. But today she doesn't feel well!!! Also I told her about this secret blog so hopefully if all goes well now I will have 3 readers - 4 if my sister is still reading!!! But also I told her about it and I feel like those last couple of posts were so negative. Weeelllll sometimes I'm negative. I'm so glad I came home before therapy. I cleaned a little and my bed is made. I just need a REALLY good night's sleep and I will feel better. I might take a nap. I'm a little bit lonely but I'm okay. I should make some phone calls. Yes - I will do that. I LOVE YOU BLUEBERRY BLOG!!

Grumpy

I'm awake early because my girlfriend is coming to visit - which would have happened anyway because my landlord is yelling (and he always has that thing in the back of his throat like he needs to clear it - IT'S SO FUCKING GROSS) to someone right now, has banged the vacuum all over the place and there are guests who wake up at 8 a.m. and literally yell and crack up and slam doors. I am so fucking grumpy right now. I worked from 4:30 to 2:30 a.m. yesterday/last night and it enraged me. I only made okay money. Ugh it would have been worse but a girl was late and I got her section. Okay - I made fine money I'm grateful - I really am - it was just exhausting. I'm just really frustrated right now. Not a big deal - it's sunny out and a walk in the park will be great. I need to drink my coffee and calm down. Okay - bye - talk to you later Blue Blogg.

I Mother Fucking Love Blueberries.

Chriiiiiiissstt

For Christ's Sake!! What the fuck?? I'm having a technology breakdown day. My phone is fucked up, the printer got fucked up, my phone wouldn't send pictures and I'm pretty sure the texting isn't going through correctly. I have a sponsee now - but it's FREAKING me out. I'm so worried - I don't know what to do and I'm worried she is going to reject me or I'm going to upset her or SHE'S GOING TO REJECT ME!!!! Even though she basically asked me twice. Chriiiiisssssttt!! I also just got my . which is horrifying. Not horrifying - it's beautiful - I'm a woman. Fuck that I wish I could sit in a cave for 4 days. A heated cave with a heated pool and cable. Chriiiisst. So - now I'm worried about work - that it won't be busy and she won't call me till 6. I feel like I'm going to barf. I need to calm down. I'm not so great at calming down once I get uncalm. Well I think this is helping. Wowzers I'm a - ohhhh right and this is what else I wanted to say!! There was this - fuck - this isn't nice but there is this crazy chick who comes to the meetings - we used to be friends and then she FREAKED ME OUT - and I mean freaked me out - like done. And I pray for her and do all - fuck - I just don't like her and I don't like how it makes me feel to not like her. And don't believe her - I just don't. It feels awful to say that but I just don't. I think my sponsee saw me looking at her like she was crazy - I know she did - she looked at me. It's so unloving. I need to pray right now before I get in the shower. I am filled with angst. I will walk to work and that will help. Okay - I did some right things today. Just so you know - I'm not a complete mess. Chriiiiiissstt!!!! Bye. God Be With You. Hahahaa.

Tao of Abundance

I'm reading this right now. I love the Tao and to me it feels right inside my body to live by it. The Way is what it means. Gross - someone just hocked a luge. I guess it's what is meant to be. Just when I'm about to take myself really seriously someone hocks a luge. Haha. Okay so let's see - while I was walking the dog in the alley I was thinking about this part of the book about receiving. how a huge part of abundance is the ability to receive and how it is very feminine to receive. Well the left side of our bodies represents the feminine and this is the part of my body I have the most trouble with. My left ankle has tendinitis and my lower left back often bothers me. Um - well - that's all I've got but I for sure have issues with being a woman - even more with being feminine and if you want to make me really uncomfortable, get near me really close and genuinely compliment me. UNCOMFORTABLE!! Ugh now he is playing the mother fucking guzheng which I NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE. Fuck. Anyway so I was in the alley thinking about how receiving and love are the same and how years ago I thought in my head and felt in my heart (I did) how love is all there is and how it is above all else. But I didn't believe it in my whole body and it scared me. I couldn't understand how it could be more powerful than hate or greed or lust or hunger. That was a joke but not really. I feel it in me now. In my stomach. I'm VERY sentimental today - holy cow. Well so there you go - I'm really going to work on accepting being a woman and on receiving. Oh I know what else - I had no way of maintaining my love all those years ago. No way of keeping it clean, of rejuvenating it. So this is what the program has given to me. Love maintenance. Ha - I started to cry when I wrote that - let me refrain - I TRIED TO CRY - barf. But my nose tickled and that's when I know I'm forcing the tears. Weird. Not weird. Ha - and even then I still wanted to do it. Write a very dramatic, intense, poignant sentence and then weep. Hhahahahhaaa - that is so ridiculous. Ha. Okay so that is today. I have to meet Her Lady Wonder by 4 - no 5 and I don't want to be late and I definitely need to shower and I would like to pray and meditate but how can I do that with Crazy Pants playing his Guzheng? I wonder what that word actually means? I'm going to look it up. Oh My God - this is so funny - it means "Ancient Bamboo Argument." Crazy Pants LOVES to debate and argue. For real - he is an argument waiting to happen always. Debate I guess is more like it. Fucking hilarious. I have to go. I love you Blueberry. And I mean that in the most sentimental, ridiculous way!!!