Get over it.

I'm talking to myself. I keep having - for years now - flashes of all these past memories. Things I walked away from - mistakes I've made - losing my my love, blah blah. Well I can't change any of it and I can't keep beating myself up over it all. I have to get over it. Seriously - life is hard and I'm honestly doing the best I can. I really am. I'm sober. Ugh - I still don't feel well. Whenever I get really sentimental I know I'm not feeling well. I have to work tonight - ugh. But I need a winter coat. It's cold now. I got rid of that other one and now I don't have one that fits. I would like some eggs. I should walk the dog and go get an omelet from the bodega. Should I walk to work? Would that be good or bad for me? I think I just don't have the energy to be hard on myself anymore. I have to get over it. Free myself. Just keep going and get over it. All of it. Move past my past. Ha - I quoted Joshua Radin. I'm very in my head. I am all stuffy in my head and I'm all up in it also. Oh my Mother is calling. I've decided to stay here for Thanksgiving and do a show the night before. I have to get onstage and this is an amazing opportunity. Oh dear - it's her birthday that night. I'm a grown-up - I need to stay here and I need to be okay with my decision. Yeesh. I think I should walk to work - clear my head. So I am going to practice being nice - um well - I am going to practice stopping myself when I start beating myself up and thinking of the past. Practice moving on. Yes - for real. I'm back because I just realized that I'm annoyed because part of why I beat myself up is because I'm not what "society" or different people think of as "successful" or whatever. Too bad I'm not a genius and that I'm sensitive and emotional and I am a woman who doesn't have children or a job that's really doing anything. Who fucking cares? I'm done beating myself up along with everyone else. I am who I am. I need to be nice to myself and right now I need to write this even though it's a little bit beating myself up anyway. Oh dear - I am haha - oh boy - going to cry at work tonight for sure. Maybe not!!! Maybe it will be a great night at work. Calm - like the ocean or a lake. What??? Maybe I have a fever. Ha - oh Blueberry Blogg - keep being you - you are the best.