I just slept 12 hours.

I went to sleep around 1:00 and woke up at 8:30 a.m. Then I fell back asleep - after I got the dog and put her in bed with me - until 1:45 p.m. It was so fucking great. i have been so tired. I am finally sleeping. I didn't sleep for months and months and months. Now I am tired and I needed some real sleep. Plus it is raining out so that made it REALLY easy. Of course I feel guilty but honestly I think I feel better about resting. 50/50. Guilty and I feel awesome!! I have some weird eye thing happening. I squirted lemon in it the other night (by mistake) and now it's all red - the eyeball. It looks gross and it hurts. Well it feels a tiny bit wounded. Hurt isn't he right word - it's uncomfortable. Well I would love to have a baby, be a novelist with a house on the ocean, a fantastic husband, an amazing kitchen and a super fabulous bath. That's what I want today. I think maybe comedy is really done for me. Comedy and acting. Maybe I will be - fuck. I wrote - JUST - just be a writer and then I deleted it because it sounded so obnoxious. And in some huge way it's me trying to figure out what to do instead of what I really want to do. I still want the baby, husband, beach house, kitchen, bathtub. And maybe a novelist ALSO. I adored reading growing up. I read all the time. My mother would take us to the library every Saturday and she would go to the left to the grown-up section and I would go right to the children's/juniors section. I would take out a pile of books and I would read them all. That is one of the gifts of being sober - reading again. I picked up so many books and never finished them when I was drinking. I just couldn't finish anything - or feel what I felt while reading them. I love libraries and bookstores so much. Wandering around, feeling the quietness. Fantastic. Part of what I love about show business - the writing. I wish I could get over my bitterness. It's all up to me now only I am so tired. If I could manage to put it all into words somehow I will feel so much better. If I could free myself I would be able to - what? Fly? Get out of bed? Really open up my spigot. I would be able to be super creative. That's a funny idea for a super hero - it's a colorful bird - it's a plane with graffiti all over it - no, no - it's SUPER CREATIVE!!!! I have to get ready for work. It's a 2 drink minimum.