I love secrets but I also love

attention. Is that a shock?? Not really right?? I'm writing in secret but I'm publishing it right away online. How conflicted is that?? Today I was SO upset because I agreed to go film a movie with Larni and I didn't really want to go. The ending of this story is that I had the best time and I'm so glad that I went. Christ I'm so confused. I started out the day feeling like I was done with New York and that I must not WANT to be performing or I would be - that I have no drive and why don't I at least go live somewhere where people smile at me and I can drive to the beach in 10 minutes. Maybe I still want to do that - regardless - people paid attention to me today and I left feeling like I still want to do comedy. Look this isn't going to make sense per se but I also realized something. I have been blaming different people and situations my whole life for me being stuck and for me not doing "what I want." Well is it possible that I picked the perfect people to help me NOT BE what I wanted to be? Something is happening inside of me - a new awareness is growing (believe me - I know how fucking bullshit that sounds). I'm confused but I'm also realizing and feeling in myself how I stop myself all the time. Maybe this is why it is better for me to be busy. I don't have time to stop myself, judge myself, judge others and then have a bad attitude. There's more but I don't know how to say it. I'm almost starting to go forward. I have been negative for soooooo many years and sooooo stuck for soooo long and so doubtful of myself. Add drugs and alcohol to that and it REALLY adds up to a dark, miserable mess. Well now it's like I stopped walking backwards, stopped adding poison to myself and I'm about to walk in a different direction. Forward. I have this image in my mind of something being turned inside out and going forward. Or something coming out of something else. The healed part coming out of the crusty, gross part. This is ridiculous. I got out of myself today and it felt great. I just took an amazing, long, hot shower with beautiful salts that my sister gave me and then put on the amazing lotion that she ALSO gave me. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful sister. I am going to look through some more notebooks now. I just want to write and have people pay attention to me and then ignore me and I want to get paid lots of money for it. Thank you. Please deposit all trash in the trash cans and bring with you what you brought.