Friday, November 19, 2010

I feel SO much better

Holy Jesus thank you Lord. I rested and took zinc and ate soup and felt sorry for myself. I went to the doctor yesterday and (oh right - I said I was going to do that) he asked me what was wrong and I started crying. Hahahaaa - okay - that's funny to me. I really was just upset and tired. So he asked me a bunch of questions, I filled out forms and then he gave me Ph strips to use for a week and a week long food log. And already I realized that him just paying attention to me made me take better care of myself. I know I was paying him to but I mean - just knowing someone is going to be checking on me and asking me questions that I have to answer OUT LOUD makes it so much harder for me to lie to myself. Ugh. When I was little and my mother would help me with my homework or if I had a tutor - I did well. But if I didn't get some kind of one on one attention or if there wasn't some big reason for me to stay focused - forget about it. I just didn't do anything. So okay - wow. I told him I was sober for over a year and he asked me if I gave myself credit for that. I said "Um - yes, well I try to give myself credit for that uh yeah." Then he mumbled something about "If you don't give yourself credit for that then the pattern of beating yourself up - well I guess that's what we all do...." Huh? Not huh. I know - I'm so hard on myself and well - the only thing I can do is PRACTICE not doing it. I walked for a way after the visit and then I came home and cleaned and did laundry. Scrubbed the shower and the rest of the bathroom, vacuumed, dusted, changed sheets, washed whatever needed to be washed and drank a ton of detox tea. So. So I am so happy that I feel better and now I'm going to be nice to myself or at least practice being nice to myself. I am also going to quit drinking coffee. I think it's really bad for me and yesterday when I was cleaning I cleaned up little spots of coffee all over the place and the coffee pot was so dirty. I am completely addicted to it of course but to be honest I don't LOVE it. Okay - I love it but I don't LIKE it. So this is my plan - ween myself. One cup a day. I will save thousands of dollars not going to Starbucks. For sure. And I think I will feel much better. He's just going to tell me when I go back for my overall um - what do you call it - evaluation - that I need to stop drinking it anyway. Also it makes my breath gross and - well - blah blah. Time to quit that now is all. Thank God I already quit cigarettes. So. Sew Buttons on Your Underwear. Bye Blue.

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