Fall Behind

So there is already more time to this day - how fantastic. Before I complain let me say what went well last night - what I did right. I walked to work to get exercise and save money. I didn't get Starbuck's and I shared my dinner to save money. I only had one cup of coffee and I walked the dog twice. I tried to be nice when I was being an asshole and I said please and thank you. I enjoyed the skyline, breathed in the air and I was grateful for being sober. I made a phone call and I sent a text to a newcomer (it's something and I really like her so it's very genuine on my part). Here's what I wish I could do: I wish I could not care what people think about me. I wish I could take care of myself without comparing myself to others. I wish I could be nice and kind regardless if someone makes my left shoulder blade feel funny. Okay I'm done. I just get so angry and I feel like a cat or any animal for that matter where I just want to swipe at the person. Perhaps sometimes it is appropriate to swipe and or scratch but I'm guessing for the most part it's best to walk away. That being said I feel terrible about that girl at work getting blamed for me tattling. Oh shit - it's Lollywhamper!!! And she has been so great this week - so sweet and normal. But I know from experience that I should keep my mouth shut. I'm letting God take this one - for real. Oh guilt - why are you so all over me? What is the point? I got a referral card for a holistic Doctor and I'm so psyched. He looks very nice and very Indian. I love that. It's just in time. There's just some things I can't figure out on my own and/or I just need someone to tell me who is a Doctor and has done some tests and talked to me. Does that make sense? I almost done paying for the carpet. Now I just need to take care of these other bills. And my first guy to make my amends to said I could have coffee with him this week. So later on today I will send him a message. Oh boy - work was crazy last night - busy. I need a shower and - um - uh - to get going on my day!!! I will walk, go to meetings, eat good food and maybe buy a winter coat and hopefully some boots. Not the crazy boots. Those will go on sale for $40.00 and I will buy then then. Or never. Maybe I won't buy a winter coat. But I can't wear this green one anymore - it's so painful to even look at it. It has pot on it that I can't get off (resin from my one hitter) and I used to sleep in it because I was so unhappy I couldn't take my clothes off. I would sleep with all my fucking clothes on plus my big ass winter coat. I should just take it out with the dog and put it in the alley. That being said I still want red high heels. Red pumps. I got rid of those one I had that I used to wear walking around naked in while my ex-husband and I did cocaine. I miss the shoes but I think it's best that I got rid of them. I also used to wear them with clothes on when we would perform together. I wonder where those shoes are now? I like the idea of me putting these things out in the alley and them having lives somewhere else. The shoes are walking on someone else's feet and hopefully having a good, healthy, loving time. Hopefully the same thing will happen with the coat. I'm going to do it. It's scary so I think it's best. GO TOWARDS THE FEAR!!!! Hmmmmm. Byeeee Blue I love Youuuuuu!!!!