Jesus

I blew off me family and upset my Mother for Thanksgiving so I could stay here and do this show and it turns out it's an OPEN MIKE. What the fuck?? So for the last hour and a half I have been plummeting. Why didn't I ASK what kind of show it was - where it is blah blah. Putting all this emphasis on this show - see if I even want to perform anymore - see what direction I want to take my life. What bullshit. I'm so upset. Am I? Yes yes I am - I'm so fucking confused. Who the fuck am I and why am I here? Why can't I leave this city or at least be doing what I came here for? Do I expect something overnight? Yes - I guess I do. Oh Christ I'm just upset. I feel like really - maybe the time has passed. Why would someone who has never seen me perform suddenly book me for a show? I'm beating myself up. It also makes me feel stupid - not hard to do. I just don't understand. I felt so good suddenly - like I was really growing up and now I feel like a jerk. Okay - well okay. Okay. WEll okay. It takes a lot of pressure off of me as far as performing goes. For sure. And I have the time. I really have the time. I have worked on my writing and it would be fun to get up and try it out. Without pressure. Okay. I'm just shocked but also - wow - ask some questions - jeez. Now - it just also makes me feel like - well - lord - it's good I'm not dating. I think I'm having caffeine withdrawal. This isn't funny and now I'm having a bad attitude. It's not until 11:00 at night!!! I'm up until 3 a.m. why do I care? Ha - I don't really know. Okay - how many more times am I going to say that? Christ. Fuck. Okay - OKAAAAYYY.