Friday, November 5, 2010

I'm in a pickle.

A rage pickle. An angry, bitter, when is this going to change and I won't wake up so miserable pickle. I know I slept 12 hours yesterday and then I went to work and got filled with rage. And do you know what? I made okay money. Decent - fine. I can live with it. But I got really angry and the worst part was that I told everyone - and I mean - EVERYONE I was upset and what I was upset about - except to the people who were upsetting me. What did I do to them?? I stopped looking at them when they looked at me, stared at them while they were looking away, gave them the cold shoulder and acted pissy around them. When has being passive aggressive ever worked? And did I tell my boss? No. Certainly not. Why would I do that? I'm being a pussy. I don't want people to think I'm tattling or well - that. I already DID tattle on this guy - months ago. He blamed some other poor girl and now I think what I'm trying to do is make everyone else so mad that someone else will go tattle. This is my life. It's so upsetting. I have PMS which stands for Pussy Mad Syndrome I guess (that's gross but true) and NOW THAT FUCKING CRETONA IS PLAYING CHORDS ON THE PIANO. Do you know the worst part? Her Lady Wonder told me that I have to want what I have before I can have what I want. That is so difficult. I had to want all this right?? I must have wanted to live in a Bed and Breakfast, waitress someplace ridiculous and unfair (just for the record I would gladly be his "favorite" and make all the money - except he sceeves me out so that will never happen) be an alcoholic/drug addict and lonely with PMS. What's more pathetic than lonley with PMS? Fuck. I wish I was strong enough to pick up a piano. I would walk down there, smile at him, then pick up the piano and put it on his head. I hate him and I hate that he lives he for free and always talks to me like I'm not only crazy but that I'm stupid and something else. I dont't entirely mean what I just said. I have no idea what he thinks but I can never get over the fact that he ate tons of my food and mostly that he ate my entire bottle of vanilla. One day it will come out. I will just lose my shit and start screaming "YOU ATE MY ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VANILLA!!! WITH YOUR OUTMEAL IN THE MORNING FOR NO FUCKING REASON!!! MY PUMPKIN BREAD SUCKED BECAUSE YOU ARE ARE MOOCHING VANILLA EATER/FOOD EATER/ENERGY SUCKER/VANIIIIIILLLLAAAAA EAAAATERRRRR!!!!!" Well that I did mean. After I get my period I will not hate him anymore but I will never forget the vanilla. Fucking vanilla?? What a douche move. On another note I am crazy and I guess I will have to want that. I WANT to be crazy. I WANT to live with a vanilla mooch, bad piano playing, manual typewriter fuckface. Maybe I should try going to therapy twice a week again. I wish I could stay indoors for the next 4 days. Alone. I am going to try though. I am going to try to do the right things and to turn this bad attitude car around. I really am. I will start by walking the dog and getting eggs, deoderant and eye wash. I will PRACTICE not thinking - WHOA - stopping thinking negative, rageful thoughts when they come to me and I will also Practice wanting what I have and also - um - fuck - oh - saying what I did right. Yes. So far what I did right today was not try to pick up a piano. Good start. Blueberry - please be kind and rewind - or just put it in the mailbox on time. Bye for now - I love you. That was hard to say.

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