I feel much better and I also feel hope.

Trust me that was NOT easy to say and of course because I said it it's making me freak out. However - this is what happened. My alarm went off at 7 a.m. and that meant I had about 3 hours of sleep. Well I instantly fell back asleep for another hour and a half. Still not enough sleep and now I had a half hour to get to the eye clinic in time (well according to the time she told me to be there at). So I fell back asleep after I decided that I didn't need to be there by 9 - I could get there at 11 - 10? I don't know what I was thinking as I kept waking up and telling myself whatever and then going back to sleep. At some point I decided that I had to go to the holistic doctor at 2 and that I would ask him about my eye. Which is exactly what I did. He said it's my liver. I finally got an eye wash kit - with the little cup and I came home and used it and it seemed better instantly. I needed to sleep so I slept. I got lost on my way to the doctor and I was so upset - it was raining and my phone wouldn't work and I didn't recognize anything even though I had been there 2 weeks ago. I finally got his secretary on the phone and she was SO nice - so nice. Then he looked at all my stuff - reviewed everything and asked me if I thought this was a good path for healing and if it was going to be okay for me money wise. But before that he said I was a good candidate for this type of healing. Well - I said yes and then he gave me some papers and some different things to start to take and do and then he said I need to be nice to myself. To make a serious commitment to be kind to myself. I said it's so hard and he said it's hard for all of us. But that it's so important for my healing. I'm still amazed. He's a nice guy and all the things he said to do are inexpensive (for the most part) and just - he's a nice, smart doctor who said for me to be nice to myself. Holy shit. So I walked to get the dog's special food, talked to a friend who really needed to talk, had some eggs, went to a meeting and answered the door because no one was there to do it. Now I have another person in my life telling me that it's okay to be nice to myself. I have no idea if his liver theory is correct but I'm going to look it up after this. I can say this - I'm glad I didn't completely make myself crazy by getting 3 hours of sleep and spending more money by going to the clinic. And I didn't stuff my face today but I enjoyed my food. And now I'm going to ween myself off of coffee - for real. He said I should start to slow down and it's time. Do you know it makes me think - oh - now I won't be able to drink coffee with my parents. I can drink water - or tea. It's okay. I cleaned tonight and washed my sheets. I soaked my feet in epsom salts and cut my toenails. I put on clean pajamas and I drank water. I flossed and put a cucumber mask on. One of those ones that when you peel it off looks like your skin is coming off - love it. I seriously need so much healing now around my actual physical body. I stopped poisoning myself with drugs and alcohol and I detoxed from it. Now I need to heal. Holy shit - now that I'm not eating myself through this or completely going overboard with coffee - I can feel how my body needs to heal. I have feeling part of why I got so depressed was from not only being at work too much but from eating all that pizza and - pizza. I had 4 pieces of pepperoni pizza on Saturday night and I had a piece on my way TO work. Really? And a handful of peanut M&M's and a handful of skittles. Oh and I was drinking soda water with cranberry juice in it and our cranberry juice is LOADED with corn syrup. All of that and I'm an alcoholic - I get upset. Is that a thing I can say? I can say this - I WAS SO GLAD that I didn't drink yesterday or smoke pot or do something else to hurt myself. I really thought that today that I wasn't hung over. I was sober and I was so happy for that. I hope that I will get stronger. But it did pass - I no longer feel as horrible and I do indeed feel hopeful about this new path of healing. Another bunch of tools - and they seem to make sense. I'm going to look up the liver eye thing. Goodnight Blueberries - thank you for being you.