I'm awake and it's

morning. Amazing. I woke up and was a tiny bit upset that I was awake and also a bit - down - heading towards sadness? I got the dog in bed with me which helped - SO much - oh my lord thank you for that little furry face. But I have to say a big part of what was upsetting me - besides being awake after only 5 hours of sleep (ALTHOUGH it is so good to be awake in the morning) is I am bored. I am mother fucking bored. I need mental stimulation for real. Um being retired isn't as awesome as I thought it would be. I also could really use a routine. I mean that is actually part of what the doctor said I should be doing - regular sleeping hours, night ritual, regular waking hours. It scares me. Routine scares me. Jesus. I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to structure myself. however I will try. Today starts 2 things. Numero uno - only one cup of coffee. Start that now - one cup. I'm having green tea right now. I will have that. Ohhhhhhh he said I really need to stay away from sugar. So no more of those green tea/lemonades. Well okay - I will save money with all of this and that is fantastic. Then I also am going to go to the gym. I'm going to go get in that bathing suit I bought and get in that pool I have been paying for. I have to start. I will definitely be less depressed if I start to exercise and if I start to exercise doing something I love - like swimming. Oh dear - it's raining out. This makes me feel like I shouldn't go. What? I love the rain - no problem and I even own an umbrella. This is like being a teen again. A young adult? I am mother fucking relearning how to take care of myself - holy shit. How - bizarre. Totally bizarre. I feel better that I got out of bed and ate breakfast, took my vitamins and wrote on here. Now I will get dressed and walk the dog. Then go to the gym. It's only 4 blocks away and then I can have eggs. Yes - eggs. Eggs are so good. Oh boy - okay. Here I go. Signing off. Going. Yikes. I'm afraid of me in a bathing suit. Goggles. And a swim cap. Oh boy.