Friday, December 3, 2010

Good morning the baby is crying/singing

I'm not sure what she's doing I just know she woke me up after I had only 6 hours of sleep. But the reason why I even went to sleep that late to begin with was because work had an extra show so I was at work till late and THEN I worked on a little thing for the Christmas Party/Show with my manager an hmmmm - what do I call him? Larold. Okay so I worked on this thing with Larold and Wolfgang and it was HILARIOUS and FUN. I really was belting out some songs. Very poorly but that was the point. It felt so GOOD!!. I also made more than I normally would have last night so that was AMAZING although I could not SHUT UP about things. Meaning I just kept spouting bullshit about things that upset me, people that upset me blah blah. I turn into such an asshole when I am there. I get excited because someone is actually paying attention to me orrr or is it because I can be obnoxious and it's funny? I don't know but I get very VERY VEEERRRYYYY gossipy and talking shit about people behind their backs AND to their faces and that's not cool. Funny in a dickhead kind of way but not good. I had a disagreement with one guy about how being a good artist and being a good person are not synonymous. I said the better a you you are the better an artist you are. He said no - basically and he was being a dick about it and it INFURIATED me. He's southern and he was doing that smiling but fuck you thing and I was like - "okay disagree with me that's fine - I don't care - don't go to therapy or better yourself and I can hear the fuck you in your voice by the way." Then he had the balls to be like "No no fuck you - I just want you to convince me." I was like "I don't fucking work for you - you asked me why I thought everyone in New York goes to therapy - I told you and you don't agree with me - so no I won't convince you." He said to someone else "She said oh if your nice you will be a better comic." WHICH IS NOT WHAT I SAID. And when I said "I think a lot of people in New York go to therapy because a lot of people here are artists and a good way to be a better artist is to be a better person and therapy is a way to help achieve that." - he said "Oh what kind of artist are you?? (Again - like a dick) and I said "I told you a long time ago I was a comedian" and he was like - "Oh yeah but you don't do it anymore" and I said (thinking to myself - this guy is a douche and that you can be an artist in MANY WAYS and that just because I'm not up there right now doing something doesn't take my artist soul from me and THEN) "Well I would go to therapy no matter what - I have always been a seeker." And who cares what else he said and what else I said - the point is I flipped out and was like get the fuck away from me - you're a fucking asshole. I didn't say that - I said - whatever - you don't agree with me and you aren't even hearing what I'm saying. HE actually had the balls to say "So and so is an asshole onstage and he's really successful - so what are you talking about?" I said "It's an ACT that he's doing and I happen to know the guy and that he works really hard on himself (and I know that he's SOBER fuckface - which I did not say that part)." He was like - oh I don't know him blah blah. Am I wrong? Can you be a great artist and never search your soul or really try to be the best you you can be? I said nothing about being NICE. What does that have to do with anything? And for that matter if you aren't FUNNY - which he wasn't being - he was just being aggressive and dicky - like REAL dicky - you won't be a good comic - AT ALL because you aren't funny. Look I wanted to be right but I said that "This is just how I feel and just because you are a working comic making people laugh with fart joke doesn't make you a good artist." Which he didn't understand. I felt like I was suddenly on trial defending myself and to be honest - that comment he made at the beginning of the discussion about "What kind of artist are you?" made me realize he disrespects me. He actually put me in some 'waitress' category and was like - well - hey wait a minute I never even said I went to therapy because I'm an artist and in fact I told him would go to therapy no matter what. I don't feel as though I am making my point. Well my overall point is that he is an asshole and I don't like him AT ALL anymore. He tried to say sorry but there was still so much fuck you underneath it. SO MUCH. He was like "Hey I'm sorry no fuck you here - no fuck you - I like you I was just kidding blah blah" and I was like "Oh okay - bye - whatever." I really - I was so pissed. I looked at him and I could feel SO MUCH fuck you under what he was saying. He just wants to perform there and didn't want to be - whatever - dicky to the "waitress" in such an obvious way? I have no idea - what an asshole. I should know better that to just randomly talk art and therapy with people who I don't know. Can you imagine if I brought the program up????? I CAN ONLY IMAGINE!!!! This fucking douche bags preconceived notions about sobriety. He was being completely closed minded - he really was. I just really thought that this guy is miserable. He is a miserable person. And he's married and has kids - he's got a LIFE to be grateful for. I'm sure I'm being unreasonable. I was just surprised by how - off putting he was. I don't know. He asked me why everyone in New York goes to therapy and I told him what I thought and he misconstrued it AND attacked me. And put me down. "What kind of artist are you???" Fuck off. Dick. CHRIST people keep SLAMMING doors here. Jesus. So that was that. Today I went on FB and Larni wrote something that looked like a joke of mine. A joke of mine he ASKED me for. Called me and said "Can I have this joke?" And I said "No I still want it." Then he wrote something yesterday that is similar to it. He even used the same name of one of the people int hte joke. Honestly what an asshole. I'm upset - it's not cool. I know it's just FB but he's - crazy sometimes. I have to let it go. For now. Will say something to him though. I feel like he's mad because we couldn't film something here when I was sick and now the rooms are all booked up. But more than that I just - I concede to him a lot. I'm not sure why. Maybe I've always thought he was better than me somehow? But honestly - that's so NOT okay - at all. I'm not sure what to do. It was a totally different set up - but a similar - very similar idea. I'm going to leave a comment. WEll I did. I said "I loooove this joke." I hope he gets it. It's very passive aggressive but I don't care. I let him come here and film 3 movies and I also worked that camera for him for SO many times and he was MAD at me for not doing it right when he was editing them wrong. He did apologize for that but seriously - again - he doesn't respect me. He's an angry person.. SO am I. For real. Don't be stealing my shit when I already told you no. Also - what the fuck? He didn't use the punch but he made the premise the joke. Why am I so mad? He can be a little usie sometimes and not nice. Like sort of passive aggressive and usie himself. He sounded annoyed when we got off the phone the other day. I'm upset. Well - okay - I'm also exhausted. There is no WAY I would have slept today - they were so loud. I'm confused. This is what happens in relationships right? People have things they need to work out? I really do lesser myself around him - why? That's the real issue. I don't even feel like I can say anything to him or he will lash out. Am I afraid of him? Am I just a pussy? Christ. CHRISSSSTTTTT!!!!!! Tired and fucking annoyed. SO FUCKING TIRED AND ANNOYED. Fuck you douches with your dumb foreign speaking baby.

2 comments:

  1. Whatever. I will get better. I need to get this shit out of me. People can act really doucey and I have every right to be upset AND say something.

    ReplyDelete

The Core of Me.

Well here I am at the end of this blog.  It's a little bittersweet because I am not sure I would have done it if they hadn't changed...