Well it was worse

than I thought it would have been at work and just as I was about to really lose my mind I left. I still had one table that was sitting there and I should have stayed to clean the table but since I was really going to lose my mind I left. One of the girls asked to share a cab home and she was going to be another 30 minutes PLUS she gets so annoyed when I go get soda water after we leave and since she told me to go get it BEFORE we left (can you fucking imagine the nerve??) I DID and then I had nowhere to put the soda water and I was so fucking annoyed that I had made no money and I was waiting for her and she wasn't even finished or even trying to finish - it was too much I left. How's that for a run-on sentence? Okay - so the job sucks - well guess what??? I need that sucky job and I'm not going to hurt myself by quitting. But I can also tell you that I can not take it seriously. And you know what? I don't really know if the place will be fucked up by the way they are running it - I really have no idea. Maybe it will be fine. Well I want to kill myself every time I leave there and that can't happen. I need a new job. But why is my life like this? Why am I so trapped still in this type of life where I feel like not only am I not taken care of but I don't even have the option to be taken care of. It paralyzes me. It's awful. I came home and took care of myself and Frenchie. I also did some laundry and put flowers in vases. But I live in this beautiful house and yet my room has water damage in it - one wall looks so crazy and there is also paint peeling off of other parts of different walls. Well. So when I was growing up - the house was so old - the farm house - and the walls were always so fucked up. Peeling wallpaper, walls that were falling down - in pieces - the plaster - you know? It was also a beautiful place to grow up but also - bizarre and somehow - not good walls. One bedroom I had I bought a bunch of blue flannel sheets and staple gunned them all over the room. The ceilings and all the walls. It made the room look like a cloud. They billowed out and all over the place because the walls were a really weird shape and there was a - what the heck do you call it?? Cable? Cable wall? A diagonal wall - whatever that is called - there was one - and the room was so oddly shaped also. Well - so the sheets billowed out and the affect was very cloud like. Another time on a door I covered it top to bottom on both sided with different pictures I cut out of magazines. The paint was peeling off the door and it drove me crazy so I made it into what looked like a giant vision board. The rooms were connected by that door. Such an odd setup. I want this to be such a great story but it isn't. It's making me cry that I live in this crazy fucking house and it feels like the house I grew up in. Why have I created this again in my life? All this work I do all the time and I feel like I am getting nowhere. I've recreated this trapped, insane life. It's so painful. Who cares - it's just a house - it doesn't matter. I have my own bathroom and I'm safe. I just wish I could take better care of myself and have OPTIONS or - I don't know. Some sense of personal power and freedom. I don't mean to be ungrateful and - I'm so confused. And I know that I haven't - what? I thought Soft Hugger loved me a little bit but I was wrong. He likes me - he's a nice person - for sure - but it's not going to happen. And - now - now this job is so upsetting. I couldn't even look at my manager tonight. It's all too hard. I'm looking at things wrong - from the wrong perspective - I know I am. I got to have so many pets growing up. I have never not had cats, dogs, hamsters - always - tons of animals. I love animals. I always had home cooked meals and my Mother was there everyday that I got home from school. So the walls were falling down - I had cats and dogs. That was me trying to be funny. Toys at Christmas. I feel like I'm going to barf - I can't stop crying. The snake doctor said to feel everything is the goal - goal? Did he say goal? He said to feel really bad is brilliant because then I am REALLY healing. I don't know what he said. I need to go to bed. I just really think I need to change my perspective. My soul hurts. I am so happy I am going home Saturday morning. I need to be with my family. I am so grateful for them. Okay - did someone slip me some hormones? Christ - I am a disaster. I am so upset. The snake doctor said not to judge myself. Feel everything without judgement. Oh - okay. Okay - I will try. Blueberries - please let me get through this. Amen.