So I'm trying to break

many cycles in my life. The hardest one being - men?? I am not going into why it's so painful or blah, blah, blah - I'm just going to say this. The only thing I know is that I don't know. I have no idea how to have a healthy relationship with a man and I - well that's all. No judgement now (because that's what the Snake Doctor says - awareness without judgement) only the real plainly, simply stated truth that I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with a man I'm attracted to. So that being said I'm now going to do something I have also no idea how to do which is trust. I am just going to trust. I'm going to trust that I am not going to be able to figure out a way through this with my mind and I'm going to just keep working on myself. What else is there to do?? As I write this I'm thinking "Am I really this chick writing about dudes?? About what to do about guys??" First of all - what guys?? There are no guys - haha - that made me laugh. Secondly - I can write about whatever the fuck I want and whatever makes me feel better. Christ Almighty!!! I will at some point need to have sex. Really?? Why? Who cares. I - what? I'm uncomfortable right now - I had beans for lunch. Who wants to think about sex when you had beans for lunch?? I'm tired - I need a really good night's sleep. The manager at work asked me if I wanted to be on swing tonight (like on call??) and I said yes. So of course they didn't need me and I walked around in my work clothes all day. I'm all fucked up and tired and upset for some reason. Is it the beans? Am I upset about the lack of love and warmth in my life (from a man??)?? Do I just need to wash my hair and hydrate? I'm tired and I need to hydrate. That is true. I - okay - I feel like I'm forcing this. Fuck - goodnight. Talk to you tomorrow Blueberry.