Breakthrough

I had a huge breakthrough in therapy yesterday.  It was amazing.  I went to the bathroom afterwards and had the most amazing sense of freedom - it was completely amazing.  I just felt  - free.  Like a crazy giant weed had been pulled out of my mind and I was somehow brought back into myself.  Fucking mind blowing.  Okay so anyway today is of course a new day and although I still feel a huge amount of relief from the breakthrough I am at a little bit of a loss for what to do with myself.  That being said I am also TIRED.  Holy shit.  I slept a lot last night and honestly well - of course I'm tired and whatever.  I HAVE DONE A FUCK TON for someone in cancer treatment for 13 fucking months.  Wow am I angry?  No - just - okay maybe a little.  Who am I yelling at anyway??  It's not like there is one person who has said to me "Maybe you could make an EFFORT at life right now??"  No not one person.  So okay fine.  I think I'm going to finish writing this and then read my book that needs to go back to the library.  It needed to go back a long time ago but it's taken me forever to read it.  The Power of Your Subconscious Mind - that book that I keep talking about.  I got a new car today.  I cried the whole way to the car dealership.  I was so sad to leave my car.  But also it was just all the sense memories of what I have been through with that car.  I mean I got in that car right after the doctor said that she felt something in my breast.  Even though it wasn't where the cancer was - it wasn't even the right breast - it still shook me and I knew somehow that something was wrong.  I got in that car and I cried.  I felt so safe in that car - it was so good to me.  I hope someone absolutely wonderful gets it.  I also LOVE MY NEW CAR!!  It's totally awesome.  So that worked out.  My poor guy was like what the fuck is happening??  HA.  I stopped crying before we got to the dealership so it was fine.  I'm so grateful I can be myself around him.  So so grateful.  Okay so I am going to relax and read now.  I really lose all focus when it gets dark early like this - I just want to go to bed!!  Love you Bluebie bye!

So ti-ti

I just ate and now I am sooooooo sleepy - I might have to take a nap.  I just went to an alanon meeting.  I woke up, prayed & meditated, did a little bit of yoga and got on the treadmill for 25 mins.  I jogged for 19 and walked for 6.  I am doing a little bit more each time.  It's crazy that even though it's not a super intense workout my body feels so much better and my boob looks better.  I did start doing the physical therapy on myself differently and maybe that is helping too but my God my body is happy when I exercise.  I feel better just walking around!  So I am going to keep going and add a little bit each time.  I am so fucking tired though.  I went to a party the night before last night and then I had to wake up early to get to a callback (which I tanked so awkward) and by the time I finished chemo yesterday I was a total mess.  ONE PARTY!  All I did was eat a little cheese and have half a sandwich - was like I got wasted the night before.  GOD.  Anyway I went to sleep last night but at the moment I am tired and I still need to go see those kids.  I was so sad today.  It's so hard to see my mother drink so much.  She's so sweet but it's painful, very painful to see.  It just feels like she's slipping away.  She just watches old movies and get loaded in front of the TV.  Red wine only!  I think she has that thing all red wine drinkers think - that if it's just red wine - ITS HEALTHY.  Not if you have 7-12 glasses.  I don't know maybe she only has 5 but it's too much.  She started drinking on her birthday at 11:00 am.  She sneaks it!  Anyway so I went to alanon and I felt better.  It's also hard to go to chemo.  I am so over it.  I try to make the most of it and make the nurses laugh but I really - WOW - I have been in chemo since LAST OCTOBER.  I'm over it!  I am grateful - YES - but also I am over it.  I can have both of those feelings.  Do you know what's so crazy?  Even though I know they didn't like me at the audition and even though I know they aren't going to call me - I AM STILL WAITING FOR THEM TO CALL.  It's so totally insane.  What is that about??  I have a new found faith in myself though and I know my job is coming.  I just have to let go - and nap.  Let go and Let Nap.  Byeeeee.

The Power of YOUR Subconscious Mind

Ha!  That's the name of the book.  OH WELL - the point is still the same - the book is great, I love it and I'm learning from it.  It's of course the same thing - we are what we think.  But somehow this one is speaking to me even more.  I guess because I have worked often from the subconscious mind.  When I go into a store I use my intuition, my under place - my other thought place to help me find what I want.  It's like a dolphin type thing - I sort of throw it out there and let myself be guided to it.  When it's working - other times I ASK where the fuck it is like normal people.  anyway I can feel the hugeness of my subconscious and I am tapping into it more.  So there you go.  He also talks about how feeling jealous and negative towards other people - how awful that is for us - because whatever we think - the subconscious creates.  It doesn't know good or bad - just directions.  I feel like I am not saying this correctly but even if I'm not - it feels AWFUL to be jealous and think bad things about other people.  I am just OVER IT.  Honestly it is so so sooooo much better than it used to be but social media - YIKES - that can really do it to me.  So of course the answer is - don't go on social media. Hahahaha - my arm hurts when I go like this - then DON'T GO LIKE THIS.  I am so tired.  I have been fighting a cold although I feel better.  I have been jogging and doing a little bit of yoga each time before I jog so that's good.  I feel better in my body.  I also have been doing my physical therapy exercises on my boob and that also seems like it is getting better from the lymphedema.  I have been going to auditions and yesterday I went on one and it was good but I didn't get the joke until I was done.  I looked a little rough though - it's hard to make the wig look good sometimes and now my hair is like a little puff ball on my head so it pokes out from under the wig.  I have a wig cap but it is SO TIGHT it gives me a headache in like 20 minutes.  Oh you know I just realized I could probably get some nylons and make my own that's less tight.  I was so upset that I didn't get this TV show that I was "pinned" for which is like hold did I already say this ANYWAY - didn't get it and then I didn't do great yesterday BUT - seriously - I am still in treatment and I really have to be careful with myself so there is some reason things are slow for me right now and I am just trying to take the best care of myself I can and slowly move forward.  I have chemo on Tuesday and an echo on Monday.  The chemo I'm on now can cause heart damage so they keep checking your heart while you are on it to make sure they can keep giving it to you.  Sigh - that sounds so crazy to write.  I have a show tonight and then tomorrow is Thanksgiving which will be so nice.  Wow - I am SLEEPY.  I'm going to meditate again and drink some coffee.  MY guy always makes fun of me that I drink coffee and meditate - I guess it does seem weird.  LISTEN TO YUR SUBCONSCIOUS - it will guide you where you need to go.  Looooove Bluebie bye.

The Power of The Subconscious Mind

That's the boo I'm reading right now - the snake doctor told me to read it and it's BLOWING MY MIND.  I probably already wrote I was reading it but I can't remember anything - my chemo brain is FOR REAL.  OMG.  But - it will get better.  Everything is going to get better.  Something has shifted and I feel better.  I have gotten to more meeting and something has shifted.  I have decided to not produce shows anymore - except for the one that is already planned and then I can continue to take care of myself, heal focus on sobriety, acting and I have no idea what else.  I have an idea for a script - it would be really fun to write it.  Yeah.  So - there has been a shift.  I had a good week with acting and also something is shifting for me with money.  I can feel love and lightness coming to me.  Lots of people - bright colors.  I am not exactly sure what is happening but it's creative bright and fun.  Abundant.  Manageable.  Loving.  Kind.  Fun.  CUTE OUTFITS.  Hello VERY IMPORTANT.  I am so tired but it's okay.  I am going to exercise right now.  I have to get to it because the guy needs to come home and use the treadmill also.  Holy shit it snowed last night - like SUPER FAST AND A TON of snow and there were cars just turned and parked ALL OVER THE PLACE.  Just stuck - I mean like a ton of cars.  It looked like the fucking apocalypse - we all had to snake around them slowly.  It took me 2 hours to drive 12 miles?  Maybe even less - 10?  AND I HAD NO GAS - I was freaking out.  I got to me house just as it said empty.  I hope I make it to the gas station today.  Oh - I should go and do that actually.  Yeah so.  Thank God I have a Subaru - they are good in the snow.  How crazy is it that I was such a fucking disaster last week and over the weekend and now I feel hopeful?  It's not bullshit either I do feel lighter and more positive.  Pain really is the touchstone of growth and for me I have to be in such wild, awful pain before I will change something.  Time to exercise.  I LOVE YOU.  Byeeee.

Monday

Well it's Monday and it's sunny.  I got up fairly early and I am doing what I want to do to take care of myself even though it is so so hard because my instinct is to do something I don't want to do and hurt myself.  Jus by giving more than I have to give.  And there we are - there's a huge part of what my imbalance is.  I give whether or not someone has asked me to (although that part is much better now I just give too much because someone has asked) and then I am depleted.  It's literally hurts me to do this.  I can feel it in my breast where the cancer was.  Holy fuck.  It's so crazy to me.  I think it must be how people feel who are cutters - when they try to stop.  It's so confusing and I never realized how much I hurt myself by doing this.  It has just become so clear to me these last few weeks and months how I don't nourish myself.  I don't give myself proper nutrition and I don't give myself proper I don't know what.  I don't know what it's called that we give and receive from other people - love?  IS IT LOVE?  What the fuck??  IT'S SO WEIRD HOW I AM FEELIG RIGHT NOW.  And I have no idea what to do.  I suddenly feel like I have choices and it's utterly beyond me what to choose.  Or is it?  It isn't.  I just need to go slow and be brave.  MY cousin asked me to help her with something and it's causing me so much pain.  I was going to try to save it and push to get people to it but I have things I need to do to take care of myself today.  Things I want to do.  I don't know what I'm saying.  I'm saying I don't want to hurt myself anymore that's what I'm saying.  If I don't have it to give I don't have it to give.  I suppose I am becoming a much more authentic person and boy oh boy I bet there will be people who are not going to like this because a lot of "nos" are going to come out of my mouth.  Ugh.  I also just realized I will probably be at least 5000% less angry.  I think one of the reasons I get so angry is because I am depleted a lot.  Emotionally, physically and mentally.  You know I got sober because I was dying and I was super fucking bored with being an alcoholic.  I am now bored so bored of being a victim of other people and of being anxious and trying to fix things and make things happen.  I'm so over it.  Last night I was laying in bed, super itchy and unable to sleep - like I have been for weeks now.  I did all sorts of things to try to sleep and I feel asleep but again like every other night I just woke up two minutes later wide awake.  Well this time instead of being angry I just laid there and rested and thought to myself over and over again "Health and healing, Health and healing - Rested and healed, rested and healed."  It was for at least and hour and a half, two hours.  I finally fell asleep and even though I woke up early I still felt fairly rested.  I also had then same thought as my arms were on fire itching as I did other times when I have just gotten over the misery of whatever addiction is driving me nuts which was I AM SO FUCKING BORED OF THIS ITCHING AND ANGER - I AM OVER IT.  I laid there as calm as possible and refused to itch from a loving fucking place.  I said the healing mantra.  So anyway I have a long road ahead but I feel like I am on that road.  I have no idea about what to do about this fucking with my cousin so I am not going to do anything.  For once.  I am going to take care of myself today that's what I am going to do.  Exercise.  I ate a salad for breakfast.  Do my little bit of yoga.  Go get some delicious healthy groceries.  Return my library book.  Just fucking live.  Try not to take a nap so I can maybe sleep tonight.  BE KIND TO MYSELF.  WHOA.  Breathe.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday

Well that last post I wrote on Sunday and while I was still writing it the guy came in so I stopped and it was just on my computer unfinished until yesterday so I just posted it.  It's been a rough week.  Remember when I met that hooker and I wanted to quit comedy?  Well this week I hosted again at that same place and it happened again - I mean I wanted to quit comedy.  EVERYONE wants to quit comedy - it's an awful business!  I mea ugh I don't know.  Wait no - I do know I am just uncomfortable saying it.  It's an awful. hard, dark business and it takes advantage of artists and people in many, many ways.  So.  So I brought this comedian up the other night and I fucked up his name.  I also forgot to say his credit and wow - he was not happy and I tried to say sorry and he wasn't having it and then he told me how he has the skills to host and not forget anyone's names.  LOL - okay.  He wasn't having it and honestly fuck him right?  Who fucking cares it's free show at a bar go fuck yourself and I tried to say sorry.  But it was a hard night and they were smoking a ton of pot when I left and I thought to myself "Maybe if I get high with them they will like me."  Which of course has never helped anything ever and no they wouldn't like me more an more than that - GET OUT.  I need to GET OUT.  Gross.  Why do I want them to like me WHO CARES.  Anyway my big point is that I need to change things.  It's so unhealthy for me.  It makes me all speedy and crazy - it's nuts.  It's okay I feel in my heart and my body that I am going in the wrong direction and that's fine.  IT'S  FINE.  God I feel like I don't have a voice.  I feel so much like I don't have voice that I write on a secret blog and I struggle to do an art form that is almost impossible for me.  I can feel so much in me that I am trying to force myself into that comedy world again and I have been doing it for yeaaaaaars.  How long now?  5 years in earnest and for years before that also.  Wow.  Well okay that's it.  I fucking hate it and I'm over it.  That being said I have a show tonight can you come??  HA.  UGH.  I do have a show but im hosting and I am getting paid.  Gotta go the guy is home love you BLuebie bye

Trying not to hurt myself

We just went for the jog we go on every Sunday.  It's a beautiful sunny fall day - the leaves are so so beautiful  We got in a fight.  He feels taken advantage of.  Now I want to fucking hurt myself and I am trying with all the love I have in me for myself not to.  He is having a reaction I'm not sure to what.  He wants me to just get a job and do acting stuff around here - basically to give up.  Or change the vision I guess.  It's not so crazy - he's tired of paying for everything.  I said this year has been different though - I had cancer right?  He said it's all the other years.  I am trying to not take this into my body.  It feels so awful.  He went on jogging and I walked home by myself and it was fucking awful.  I am so fucking sick to my stomach.  Maybe it's the answer I don't know but it feels fucking so gross and sad.  Also he hugged me before he jogged off and said he wanted an easier life.  He wants to be able to go on vacation and whatever - go out to eat - do stuff normal people can afford to do - especially people without kids.  But guess what?  This is the part that I can't handle.....he doesn't feel healing to be around.  He's always pushing me and honestly I can't fucking handle it.  Please just go find someone else who will have sex with you exactly 3 times a week, jog with you, has money and enough of a career that you are doing exactly what you want and ALSO is very kind, healthy and understanding.  Please go find that person and while you are at it go fuck yourself.  Please - go completely fuck yourself.  I told him YESTERDAY when he said it that maybe it's the right plan but it doesn't feel right right now.  Then when he first said it today I said the same thing and he just wouldn't back the fuck off.  I feel TERRIBLE that he feels taken advantage of - that is a horrible horrible feeling.  I can understand him feeling that way - but I am not doing that.  I just can't.  Honestly it just feels like he is being a baby but what do I know?  The only thing I know is this feels awful in my body and I just want to get away from him.  This is why I never wanted to get married.  I don't have it in me.  I don't care get away from me.  I never promised him fucking anything.  AN EASIER LIFE???????  So just give up my dreams so you can go to the fucking carribean twice a year??  Go fuck yourself.  I just feel the whole thing in my boob and I feel like he's killing me.  What can I do?  Go to Ct and live I h

Slightly Less Than Completely Insane

I am on the couch and it's probably a miracle I haven't spent more days like this.  I didn't sleep last night and I was so upset this morning I couldn't leave the house.  I was scratching this horrible rash all night long and I just was SO upset about it.  Then I finally realized that maybe it's the fucking chemo they are still giving me.  I looked it up and there were a million posts of women talking about how the chemo made them not be able to sleep and also gave them a horrible rash.  So I did a little more research and went to the drug store and got some Claritin.  I took it and I feel a bit better.  The rash feels better - I'm also getting tired as we speak.  The stuffy nose isn't quite better but in general I feel less awful.  I mean emotionally - because at least I understand somewhat what the fuck is happening.  so yeah.  I didn't go to that audition again today but what can I do?  Some days we don't feel well and for me it was the last 2 days.  I meditated twice and I will get on the treadmill.  I might even take a nap right now.  I also went and got myself a bagel and when I tell you it was WORTH IT - I mean good CHRIST it was worth it.  The most delicious bagel I have ever eaten in my life.  I just can't figure out why they wouldn't have told me at the hospital that the chemo can cause a rash.  Also I haven't been sleeping and I did ask them about that.  I told my nurse about the rash.  I actually think I did tell the Oncologist.  Gosh I know I am making myself a victim of them and I am not.  I finally figured out what the fuck is going on and I am not drinking anymore caffeine in the afternoon and I think the Claritin is really going to help.  I could have some nice, hot, herbal tea at night and I bet that would help too.  It's okay.  Who knows maybe the chance of this happening is very slim but anyway it's happening and it just keeps getting worse.  God I want to stop the chemo so bad.  I just want to be done.  I'm gong to ask on Tuesday if I can be done.  I think maybe that Claritin just kicked in - my nose suddenly feels better.  I'm going to lay down and let myself rest.  Now my nose feels funny again.  Great.  I a less itchy.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Batshit Crazy Until 8 Minutes Ago

I was taking black cohosh for my hot flashes and the hot flashes got better but I slowly started to get more and more hormonal until yesterday when I had a full on nervous breakdown for 2 days.  It didn't help any that I just feel so fucking terrified of the cancer coming back and that I don't have any real ways of taking care of it.  Which isn't true.  The medicine they gave me didn't work and this stuff I was just taking didn't work - but there are other things that could work.  The problem is that I also just didn't take care of myself this week in the right ways.  I did things I didn't want to do because I was people pleasing and it hurt me.  I was going to go audition (an open call) for this TV show today and I literally was so insane last night that I changed my mind and thank GOD I did because I was crying for 3 hours this morning.  I meditated twice and talked to my sponsor for an hour and I still didn't feel better until whatever - 12 minutes ago.  Fucking insane.  I also ate a salad and exercised and I have no idea what shifted but something finally did.  I guess if I want to I can go tomorrow but I just don't fucking care anymore.  I mean about show business and trying to figure out how to "make it."  I will never figure it out and I am so so SO fucking tired of hurting myself and not getting the "nutrition" I need from life.  I'm over it.  I am still in treatment for fuck's sake and I'm going to go stand in line for 6 hours??  By the time I get to them I am going to be so angry and exhausted - how charming could I possibly be?  Who cares.  I sent in a video.  I DONT CARE ANYMORE.  I want to live and love and breathe.  I also had sex and like 4 orgasms so maybe that's why I finally felt better.  Anyway - who the fuck knows - this is a lifetime practice for me.  I just am so ready to not take care of myself at any moment and I think I need to trust and risk that I will be taken care of if I take care of myself.  That's it.  So today I took care of myself.  I have a show here tonight and then hopefully I will sleep again tonight.  I hadn't slept in God knows how long but I finally did last night.  I just can't have any caffeine in the afternoon - none.  Anyway I think I was also dehydrated.  I'm drinking lots of water.  God life is confusing.  I'm going to work on my show for tonight.  Make myself a healthy dinner.  Keep drinking water and meditate again if I need to.  Yeah I don't know.  I don't want my life to be in vain but I also can't kill myself anymore trying to make stuff happen.  I'm meant to be happy.  We all are.  I am sober also to be happy, joyous and free.  Okay I will let you know what I decide about tomorrow and try to do it from a place of love and power.  Yeah I will meditate and think about it.  Love you Bluebie bye.