Thursday, November 8, 2018

Trying not to hurt myself

We just went for the jog we go on every Sunday.  It's a beautiful sunny fall day - the leaves are so so beautiful  We got in a fight.  He feels taken advantage of.  Now I want to fucking hurt myself and I am trying with all the love I have in me for myself not to.  He is having a reaction I'm not sure to what.  He wants me to just get a job and do acting stuff around here - basically to give up.  Or change the vision I guess.  It's not so crazy - he's tired of paying for everything.  I said this year has been different though - I had cancer right?  He said it's all the other years.  I am trying to not take this into my body.  It feels so awful.  He went on jogging and I walked home by myself and it was fucking awful.  I am so fucking sick to my stomach.  Maybe it's the answer I don't know but it feels fucking so gross and sad.  Also he hugged me before he jogged off and said he wanted an easier life.  He wants to be able to go on vacation and whatever - go out to eat - do stuff normal people can afford to do - especially people without kids.  But guess what?  This is the part that I can't handle.....he doesn't feel healing to be around.  He's always pushing me and honestly I can't fucking handle it.  Please just go find someone else who will have sex with you exactly 3 times a week, jog with you, has money and enough of a career that you are doing exactly what you want and ALSO is very kind, healthy and understanding.  Please go find that person and while you are at it go fuck yourself.  Please - go completely fuck yourself.  I told him YESTERDAY when he said it that maybe it's the right plan but it doesn't feel right right now.  Then when he first said it today I said the same thing and he just wouldn't back the fuck off.  I feel TERRIBLE that he feels taken advantage of - that is a horrible horrible feeling.  I can understand him feeling that way - but I am not doing that.  I just can't.  Honestly it just feels like he is being a baby but what do I know?  The only thing I know is this feels awful in my body and I just want to get away from him.  This is why I never wanted to get married.  I don't have it in me.  I don't care get away from me.  I never promised him fucking anything.  AN EASIER LIFE???????  So just give up my dreams so you can go to the fucking carribean twice a year??  Go fuck yourself.  I just feel the whole thing in my boob and I feel like he's killing me.  What can I do?  Go to Ct and live I h

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