So ti-ti

I just ate and now I am sooooooo sleepy - I might have to take a nap.  I just went to an alanon meeting.  I woke up, prayed & meditated, did a little bit of yoga and got on the treadmill for 25 mins.  I jogged for 19 and walked for 6.  I am doing a little bit more each time.  It's crazy that even though it's not a super intense workout my body feels so much better and my boob looks better.  I did start doing the physical therapy on myself differently and maybe that is helping too but my God my body is happy when I exercise.  I feel better just walking around!  So I am going to keep going and add a little bit each time.  I am so fucking tired though.  I went to a party the night before last night and then I had to wake up early to get to a callback (which I tanked so awkward) and by the time I finished chemo yesterday I was a total mess.  ONE PARTY!  All I did was eat a little cheese and have half a sandwich - was like I got wasted the night before.  GOD.  Anyway I went to sleep last night but at the moment I am tired and I still need to go see those kids.  I was so sad today.  It's so hard to see my mother drink so much.  She's so sweet but it's painful, very painful to see.  It just feels like she's slipping away.  She just watches old movies and get loaded in front of the TV.  Red wine only!  I think she has that thing all red wine drinkers think - that if it's just red wine - ITS HEALTHY.  Not if you have 7-12 glasses.  I don't know maybe she only has 5 but it's too much.  She started drinking on her birthday at 11:00 am.  She sneaks it!  Anyway so I went to alanon and I felt better.  It's also hard to go to chemo.  I am so over it.  I try to make the most of it and make the nurses laugh but I really - WOW - I have been in chemo since LAST OCTOBER.  I'm over it!  I am grateful - YES - but also I am over it.  I can have both of those feelings.  Do you know what's so crazy?  Even though I know they didn't like me at the audition and even though I know they aren't going to call me - I AM STILL WAITING FOR THEM TO CALL.  It's so totally insane.  What is that about??  I have a new found faith in myself though and I know my job is coming.  I just have to let go - and nap.  Let go and Let Nap.  Byeeeee.