Friday, November 30, 2018
I had a huge breakthrough in therapy yesterday. It was amazing. I went to the bathroom afterwards and had the most amazing sense of freedom - it was completely amazing. I just felt - free. Like a crazy giant weed had been pulled out of my mind and I was somehow brought back into myself. Fucking mind blowing. Okay so anyway today is of course a new day and although I still feel a huge amount of relief from the breakthrough I am at a little bit of a loss for what to do with myself. That being said I am also TIRED. Holy shit. I slept a lot last night and honestly well - of course I'm tired and whatever. I HAVE DONE A FUCK TON for someone in cancer treatment for 13 fucking months. Wow am I angry? No - just - okay maybe a little. Who am I yelling at anyway?? It's not like there is one person who has said to me "Maybe you could make an EFFORT at life right now??" No not one person. So okay fine. I think I'm going to finish writing this and then read my book that needs to go back to the library. It needed to go back a long time ago but it's taken me forever to read it. The Power of Your Subconscious Mind - that book that I keep talking about. I got a new car today. I cried the whole way to the car dealership. I was so sad to leave my car. But also it was just all the sense memories of what I have been through with that car. I mean I got in that car right after the doctor said that she felt something in my breast. Even though it wasn't where the cancer was - it wasn't even the right breast - it still shook me and I knew somehow that something was wrong. I got in that car and I cried. I felt so safe in that car - it was so good to me. I hope someone absolutely wonderful gets it. I also LOVE MY NEW CAR!! It's totally awesome. So that worked out. My poor guy was like what the fuck is happening?? HA. I stopped crying before we got to the dealership so it was fine. I'm so grateful I can be myself around him. So so grateful. Okay so I am going to relax and read now. I really lose all focus when it gets dark early like this - I just want to go to bed!! Love you Bluebie bye!