Saturday, November 3, 2018

Slightly Less Than Completely Insane

I am on the couch and it's probably a miracle I haven't spent more days like this.  I didn't sleep last night and I was so upset this morning I couldn't leave the house.  I was scratching this horrible rash all night long and I just was SO upset about it.  Then I finally realized that maybe it's the fucking chemo they are still giving me.  I looked it up and there were a million posts of women talking about how the chemo made them not be able to sleep and also gave them a horrible rash.  So I did a little more research and went to the drug store and got some Claritin.  I took it and I feel a bit better.  The rash feels better - I'm also getting tired as we speak.  The stuffy nose isn't quite better but in general I feel less awful.  I mean emotionally - because at least I understand somewhat what the fuck is happening.  so yeah.  I didn't go to that audition again today but what can I do?  Some days we don't feel well and for me it was the last 2 days.  I meditated twice and I will get on the treadmill.  I might even take a nap right now.  I also went and got myself a bagel and when I tell you it was WORTH IT - I mean good CHRIST it was worth it.  The most delicious bagel I have ever eaten in my life.  I just can't figure out why they wouldn't have told me at the hospital that the chemo can cause a rash.  Also I haven't been sleeping and I did ask them about that.  I told my nurse about the rash.  I actually think I did tell the Oncologist.  Gosh I know I am making myself a victim of them and I am not.  I finally figured out what the fuck is going on and I am not drinking anymore caffeine in the afternoon and I think the Claritin is really going to help.  I could have some nice, hot, herbal tea at night and I bet that would help too.  It's okay.  Who knows maybe the chance of this happening is very slim but anyway it's happening and it just keeps getting worse.  God I want to stop the chemo so bad.  I just want to be done.  I'm gong to ask on Tuesday if I can be done.  I think maybe that Claritin just kicked in - my nose suddenly feels better.  I'm going to lay down and let myself rest.  Now my nose feels funny again.  Great.  I a less itchy.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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