Monday

Well it's Monday and it's sunny.  I got up fairly early and I am doing what I want to do to take care of myself even though it is so so hard because my instinct is to do something I don't want to do and hurt myself.  Jus by giving more than I have to give.  And there we are - there's a huge part of what my imbalance is.  I give whether or not someone has asked me to (although that part is much better now I just give too much because someone has asked) and then I am depleted.  It's literally hurts me to do this.  I can feel it in my breast where the cancer was.  Holy fuck.  It's so crazy to me.  I think it must be how people feel who are cutters - when they try to stop.  It's so confusing and I never realized how much I hurt myself by doing this.  It has just become so clear to me these last few weeks and months how I don't nourish myself.  I don't give myself proper nutrition and I don't give myself proper I don't know what.  I don't know what it's called that we give and receive from other people - love?  IS IT LOVE?  What the fuck??  IT'S SO WEIRD HOW I AM FEELIG RIGHT NOW.  And I have no idea what to do.  I suddenly feel like I have choices and it's utterly beyond me what to choose.  Or is it?  It isn't.  I just need to go slow and be brave.  MY cousin asked me to help her with something and it's causing me so much pain.  I was going to try to save it and push to get people to it but I have things I need to do to take care of myself today.  Things I want to do.  I don't know what I'm saying.  I'm saying I don't want to hurt myself anymore that's what I'm saying.  If I don't have it to give I don't have it to give.  I suppose I am becoming a much more authentic person and boy oh boy I bet there will be people who are not going to like this because a lot of "nos" are going to come out of my mouth.  Ugh.  I also just realized I will probably be at least 5000% less angry.  I think one of the reasons I get so angry is because I am depleted a lot.  Emotionally, physically and mentally.  You know I got sober because I was dying and I was super fucking bored with being an alcoholic.  I am now bored so bored of being a victim of other people and of being anxious and trying to fix things and make things happen.  I'm so over it.  Last night I was laying in bed, super itchy and unable to sleep - like I have been for weeks now.  I did all sorts of things to try to sleep and I feel asleep but again like every other night I just woke up two minutes later wide awake.  Well this time instead of being angry I just laid there and rested and thought to myself over and over again "Health and healing, Health and healing - Rested and healed, rested and healed."  It was for at least and hour and a half, two hours.  I finally fell asleep and even though I woke up early I still felt fairly rested.  I also had then same thought as my arms were on fire itching as I did other times when I have just gotten over the misery of whatever addiction is driving me nuts which was I AM SO FUCKING BORED OF THIS ITCHING AND ANGER - I AM OVER IT.  I laid there as calm as possible and refused to itch from a loving fucking place.  I said the healing mantra.  So anyway I have a long road ahead but I feel like I am on that road.  I have no idea about what to do about this fucking with my cousin so I am not going to do anything.  For once.  I am going to take care of myself today that's what I am going to do.  Exercise.  I ate a salad for breakfast.  Do my little bit of yoga.  Go get some delicious healthy groceries.  Return my library book.  Just fucking live.  Try not to take a nap so I can maybe sleep tonight.  BE KIND TO MYSELF.  WHOA.  Breathe.  Love you Bluebie bye.