Friday, November 2, 2018

Batshit Crazy Until 8 Minutes Ago

I was taking black cohosh for my hot flashes and the hot flashes got better but I slowly started to get more and more hormonal until yesterday when I had a full on nervous breakdown for 2 days.  It didn't help any that I just feel so fucking terrified of the cancer coming back and that I don't have any real ways of taking care of it.  Which isn't true.  The medicine they gave me didn't work and this stuff I was just taking didn't work - but there are other things that could work.  The problem is that I also just didn't take care of myself this week in the right ways.  I did things I didn't want to do because I was people pleasing and it hurt me.  I was going to go audition (an open call) for this TV show today and I literally was so insane last night that I changed my mind and thank GOD I did because I was crying for 3 hours this morning.  I meditated twice and talked to my sponsor for an hour and I still didn't feel better until whatever - 12 minutes ago.  Fucking insane.  I also ate a salad and exercised and I have no idea what shifted but something finally did.  I guess if I want to I can go tomorrow but I just don't fucking care anymore.  I mean about show business and trying to figure out how to "make it."  I will never figure it out and I am so so SO fucking tired of hurting myself and not getting the "nutrition" I need from life.  I'm over it.  I am still in treatment for fuck's sake and I'm going to go stand in line for 6 hours??  By the time I get to them I am going to be so angry and exhausted - how charming could I possibly be?  Who cares.  I sent in a video.  I DONT CARE ANYMORE.  I want to live and love and breathe.  I also had sex and like 4 orgasms so maybe that's why I finally felt better.  Anyway - who the fuck knows - this is a lifetime practice for me.  I just am so ready to not take care of myself at any moment and I think I need to trust and risk that I will be taken care of if I take care of myself.  That's it.  So today I took care of myself.  I have a show here tonight and then hopefully I will sleep again tonight.  I hadn't slept in God knows how long but I finally did last night.  I just can't have any caffeine in the afternoon - none.  Anyway I think I was also dehydrated.  I'm drinking lots of water.  God life is confusing.  I'm going to work on my show for tonight.  Make myself a healthy dinner.  Keep drinking water and meditate again if I need to.  Yeah I don't know.  I don't want my life to be in vain but I also can't kill myself anymore trying to make stuff happen.  I'm meant to be happy.  We all are.  I am sober also to be happy, joyous and free.  Okay I will let you know what I decide about tomorrow and try to do it from a place of love and power.  Yeah I will meditate and think about it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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