Friday, November 2, 2018
Batshit Crazy Until 8 Minutes Ago
I was taking black cohosh for my hot flashes and the hot flashes got better but I slowly started to get more and more hormonal until yesterday when I had a full on nervous breakdown for 2 days. It didn't help any that I just feel so fucking terrified of the cancer coming back and that I don't have any real ways of taking care of it. Which isn't true. The medicine they gave me didn't work and this stuff I was just taking didn't work - but there are other things that could work. The problem is that I also just didn't take care of myself this week in the right ways. I did things I didn't want to do because I was people pleasing and it hurt me. I was going to go audition (an open call) for this TV show today and I literally was so insane last night that I changed my mind and thank GOD I did because I was crying for 3 hours this morning. I meditated twice and talked to my sponsor for an hour and I still didn't feel better until whatever - 12 minutes ago. Fucking insane. I also ate a salad and exercised and I have no idea what shifted but something finally did. I guess if I want to I can go tomorrow but I just don't fucking care anymore. I mean about show business and trying to figure out how to "make it." I will never figure it out and I am so so SO fucking tired of hurting myself and not getting the "nutrition" I need from life. I'm over it. I am still in treatment for fuck's sake and I'm going to go stand in line for 6 hours?? By the time I get to them I am going to be so angry and exhausted - how charming could I possibly be? Who cares. I sent in a video. I DONT CARE ANYMORE. I want to live and love and breathe. I also had sex and like 4 orgasms so maybe that's why I finally felt better. Anyway - who the fuck knows - this is a lifetime practice for me. I just am so ready to not take care of myself at any moment and I think I need to trust and risk that I will be taken care of if I take care of myself. That's it. So today I took care of myself. I have a show here tonight and then hopefully I will sleep again tonight. I hadn't slept in God knows how long but I finally did last night. I just can't have any caffeine in the afternoon - none. Anyway I think I was also dehydrated. I'm drinking lots of water. God life is confusing. I'm going to work on my show for tonight. Make myself a healthy dinner. Keep drinking water and meditate again if I need to. Yeah I don't know. I don't want my life to be in vain but I also can't kill myself anymore trying to make stuff happen. I'm meant to be happy. We all are. I am sober also to be happy, joyous and free. Okay I will let you know what I decide about tomorrow and try to do it from a place of love and power. Yeah I will meditate and think about it. Love you Bluebie bye.