Friday.

I'm so sleepy.  We have been watching Ozark and I have not SLEPT since we started watching that fucking show AND I couldn't STOP watching it.  So fucking alcoholic.  Just scratching that itch that's bleeding.  Anyway now we are done and until the next season comes out hopefully I can seep again.  But I have been getting so tired during the day.  Whatever.  Anyway I have a busy weekend ahead so that's good.  I have show everyday/night and my meetings etc.  On Sundays the guy and I jog together outside.  I feel much much better from the biopsy and I am continuing to read the book and work on healthy thinking.  The oncologist wants me to take another oral chemo and I said okay that I would try it - but I am not going to try it.  I finally also feel better from the last one and I just can't do it.  I know it's maybe crazy?  But is it?  If the side effect is osteoporosis - how helpful is it?  I don't know.  I just believe there's another way.  I am grateful - I think they saved my life, stopped the cancer and now it's up to me to get mentally, physically and spiritually strong - they gave me the space to realize and begin this.  I will finish the other chemo (even though I have a huge rash all over my body) but as far as other unhealthy things - I just have to stop now.  I'm just such a fucking people pleaser I didn't know how to say no so I just said I would try it.  She actually paused and said okay because I think she expected me to argue.  I don't want to argue.  If being passive aggressive is the only way I can do it right now then fine.  I am going to let that be fine!  Okay so - that's where I am.  It's so crazy right?  Cancer.  Fuck - so fucking scary and crazy.  This time last year I knew I had to do chemo and I couldn't fucking believe it.  I was so scared.  I'd had surgery.  Now I am in a much better place in a lot of ways.  I am thinking in a healthier way and I feel 85% less like a victim.  I feel like I have choices in how I think and tools to help me think better.  I have a new sponsor and tons of people were so kind, loving and helpful to me.  From a beautiful, loving place.  It still blows my mind.  How kind people can be and COMEDIANS at that!  Go fucking figure.  I'm going to make myself some coffee and have an apple.  Big hug blog!  xoxoxo