Calming Down

I moved to NYC 20 years ago this past August.  I have been trying to - ugh I don't know.  God every time I write on here I can hear myself talking in my head like I'm an author working on a novel and IT STINKS.  Here's the deal....for the past 20 years or so I have thought about and tried to break into show business.  Even when I was drunk and just watching Oprah and Dancing With The Stars - I was still studying.  Okay so what's my point?  I give up that's my point.  Not completely but I give up trying to force my hand.  Mostly because I don't want to get cancer again and it hurts me.  When I start to stress out and go really fast my boob starts to beat and it feels AWFUL.  UGH it's so gross!!!  I am reading yet another book about health and this one - it's actually 2 by the same man but I am reading this one "Never Feel Old Again" first because it's a library book and needs to go back.  The other one (which I started but is on hold in my office - meaning just sitting there) is called "Never Fear Cancer Again."  Omg did I write about this already?  Not about the first book - no I didn't.  Anyway the part I read last night that really struck me was about stress and how bad it is for our cells.  I spent all day yesterday - hours - working on my show for tomorrow night but not the creative part just the producing part.  I love producing!  But it is so stressful.  I was STRESSED OUT.  Ugh even writing that feels awful.  SO.  So I'm done.  I'm done!!  If it's hurting me it can't be what God wants for me.  It's unnatural and I am not interested in it anymore.  So I have no clue.  No clue what to do or how the fuck I'm going to make a living.  But I woke up this morning and started to get stressed and then I thought to myself, "Whoa....I can breathe, I have a choice here, I can calm down, I can enjoy and live this day as well and as lovingly as possible."  Honestly I really don't know what I said but it was something like that.  I focused on my breathing, I calmed down and I prayed & meditated.  This is what I have always had the hardest time doing - letting go.  It's the 3rd Step - Let Go & Let God.  I always say I let go & let God but always say HOWEVER THIS IS HOW I WANT YOU TO DO SO DO IT THANKS.  Jesus is that as stressful to read as it was to write?  Yikes.  Anyway so whatever.  That's where I am.  I'm going to go for a walk.  Eat my lunch - a nice big salad.  Go see the kids.  Take a shower.  Love myself.  Love my guy.  Talk to myself.  Stay as calm but alive as possible.  Stay positive.  Stay in the light.  Keep rewiring my brain one moment at a time.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.