Monday.

It's Monday and I am alive and well - basically.  I am healing from the biopsy and I finally started jogging again - yesterday we went outside which was great.  Today I will start yoga again and I started eating healthy again.  He says in the book - his name is Raymond Francis - that we should avoid the big 4 - at least in America - wheat, dairy, sugar and processed oils/excess animal protein.  GOD THAT'S SO HARD.  Last night I had shows and one was by this pizza place, it's a famous place and it's usually totally packed with a line out the door down the street.  Well last night it was quiet so I went in and looked at the pizza, asked some questions, somehow got myself to leave and then THOUGHT ABOUT THAT PIZZA THE WHOLE TIME I WAS AT THE SHOW.  Dear GOD.  Honestly it's not even like once in awhile I can't have the pizza or whatever but my problem is once I start it opens a flood gate so I just have to basically stay away from it.  I came home after the shows and made myself sweet potato fries (from scratch oven baked) with olive oil, garlic and fresh rosemary.  Then I made a chipotle, garlic mayo (fresh no sugar) and dipped them in that.  It wasn't pizza but it was really yummy.  UGH.  Anyway who the fuck am I?  I don't know but I want to live so I have to make my own food and just try to stay away from the crap.  Also it's expensive and I don't have any money - any extra money anyway.  So I am trying to audition for something and I need clean material - very hard for me.  I'm not super dirty but I'm not super clean.  It's a REALLY short audition.  I just have to think about it.  I forgot to call my alanon sponsor this morning.  My brain is a little fried from the chemo.  God only 2 more months of it.  I don't even want to go ever again.  I have to go tomorrow.  How am I going to do it???  Should I do it?  Hasn't it been enough already?  It's been almost an entire year of chemotherapy plus radiation for 5 weeks.  Good Lord.  Alright well I have lots of things to do, go to the bank and go work with the kids then my meeting and service.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.