Not okay today.

I woke up with bad thoughts in my head and I feel crazy. I got really upset last night because I thought the video wasn't going to burn in the new CD burner I bought. I really had a breakdown but I prayed and it worked. I have been working so hard at this and I don't even know if it's good. I want my parents to have something nice to see on their big weekend. I have been in this house for 2 days and I haven't been to a meeting. I just - hate living here. I think htey must have smoked cigarettes all night long - it reeks in here. If I play my cards right I can save a lot of money - or at least a chunk of money working in July. Then I can move. I woke up scared and I just have this terrible thoughts that I got my career stolen from me. It's not true - it's just not. I feel sick to my stomach. The birds are chirpping and it's a sunny, beautiful day. I need to go for a walk and I need to get out of the house. I have to getmyself ready to go away for almost a week also and that is stressing me out. I hate that I can't just leave here. leave my door locked and that's that. I heard him unlock the guests room across the way. I just need to move. I just need to take care of myself and move. Okay. First today I have to take care of myself and move my body and meditate. I need to get to a meeting. It sort of sucks that if I don't go I get this crazy. I iwll be okay - by tonight I will feel better - for sure.

It's almost 1 year and 10 months since I have

had a drink or drug. Holy shit. I am doing a load of laundry, and I already walked the dog, prayed and meditated. I cancelled getting a pedicure with Larni because I don't want to spend the money and I need to finish this project for my parents. I'm eating an apple and I made myself the most delicious cup of coffee. I heard the landlord coming up the stairs so I shut my door just in time to not feel invaded by him. He of course went into the laundry room and checked on what laundry I was doing. I get to do laundry for free. It's his laundry room. Oh man. So - yeah - the same old struggle but slight changes. I'm losing focus - I need a shower. I think I will walk to my meeting. In order for me to do that I need to leave when? At 4 I guess to get there just in time? I should leave at 3:30. I need to get out of the house - I never left Harlem all day yesterday!! That was fun actually - I needed it. But now I need to get out of the area for at least a little bit. A walk and a meeting. Oooo - I want to look at this date this time last year - hold please. Oh wow - okay. That was strange. June and July I didn't write much. I was limping because of my leg and I also was at my parents house and at the time my mother didn't have a computer. That was part of why I gained so much weight!! I wasn't doing anything. Oh sadness - I was in a much worse place than I am now. Acceptance. Okay - yes. For real. I don't smell anymore so that's good and I'm not limping like I was - or not really at all. What else? Time for a poem.

Although rage still lives inside me - as it tries to make it's way out

I live inside my sorrow but try to look about

For love, kindness and plenty
Upon the shores of love,

I try not to care what you think while at the same time

I hate.


But I try not to.


Bye Blueberry!!!!!

Fascinating - in a rage inducing way.....

I live in a house where someone has a "Do what I say not as I do" policy and it fills me with rage. I also feel trapped here and like I can not express myself creatively. I also feel like everyone else is happy here and I feel like I can never leave. What else? I just have to accept - accept how I feel and still love myself. It is so fucking crazy that I completely subconsciously recreated my life from when I was about 16 years old. Insane. I also feel like I can't say what I want or even remotely get what I want. That being said I can leave here and I want to and I need to. I'm scared - which also seems crazy but I need to do it for my growth. It is just too toxic here for me and I am not happy or even nice. I do not like my behavior here and well - I'm moving on. What? Here's the thing - all of these things make me so upset - for example being woken up by any number of crazy instruments at any hour of the day and night and people living here for free who also make me feel not comfortable in the place where I DO pay to live. That all makes TOTAL sense and it is fair for me to have my feelings. That being said for some reason which I am not totally clear on - when I react from the emotional state I get in when I am first upset - I totally don't get what I need or want and I seem like a psycho which makes me then get upset with myself AND beat myself up AND it makes everything worse. Okay - sooo...so how the fuck do I get myself out of all of this in a healthy way? I can say this much - he was just blasting some music of him playing the Guzheng and I decided I would just turn it down as I walked by to walk the dog. And that is exactly what I did. Her Lady Wonder said I can't get mad if I don't ask for what I want and in this case I just did what I wanted to have done. That is the first step in me taking care of myself - asking for what I want and doing what I want to have done. I am a real bag of tricks I tell you. I feel like I have so much mess to clean up all the time within myself. Please some people have it so much worse. Here is the thing - when I am uncomfortable and someones actions - whatever they are - are adding to my discomfort I have EVERY right to say something AND do something about it. They will have to deal with their feelings and if it means the person doesn't like me anymore - well then - oh well. It hurts me that this is not the happiest living situation and that I feel like if I could just be "cooler" about things it would all be great. But I have to take care of myself now. Okay I have some resentment writing to do.

Ugh.

I already ran errands, walked the dog and cleaned a bit. I have to go do my service at a meeting and get my butt to work. I think I have to lie down - I suddenly feel sick.

I remembered something.

Yesterday I really realized it was so and is so hard for me to like myself. I was like - I just get upset with how I am - that's all there is to it. I had total acceptance of my inability to accept myself. Ugh - Jesus. I should really take this sweater off. It looks so nice. I swear - you can look so awful and put on well made clothing and it really changes so much about you. I only have 6 hours and 39 minutes to go before I go to my next job and then these 3 doubles will be done. Okay - wowzers.

Saturday at the boutique - again.....

I was in suuuuch a bad mood yesterday - holy shit. I tried to meditate and I could feel the rage flowing into my breasts. How fucked up is that? It was buzzing around my head - just a mess. Then I went to work at the comedy club and I made decent money and it wasn't that difficult and somehow I ended up being okay. I even woke up okay today even though I got 4 hours of sleep. Maybe more like 5. Now I'm here and I have on a $300.00 white cashmere sweater that is so soft and gorgeous. Ugh - I could live in this. It's an absolutely beautiful day so I might not be that busy but hopefully some people will come in. I was so annoyed yesterday also when I went downstairs and those guys were just lounging around. It just makes me mad that people live there for free and just - lounge. But not only that - they mooch and than they also invade my privacy and WHO CARES. I am saving money - and just because they live their lives the way they do I have no right to be mean. I am - however - entitled to my feeling and so that is fine. Unfortunately my feelings are rageful 82% of the time. 75%? I don't know - here' what I really think....I need to forgive myself. My sister told me to watch this video and somehow that's what I got out of it - to forgive myself. Look - I'm - ugh - what? I'm too tired to keep being mad at myself - it's too heavy. this sweater isn't heavy - it's beautiful and light. Heaven!! Okay - I should go. Bye Blueberry!! p.s. I might have to escape from here for a few minutes today - it's sooooo pretty out!!

Positive thoughts?

I'm tired and I'm so pms and so still tired. It is really hard on me working these 2 jobs back to back. I have to tell you that that comedy club is awful. Let's just leave it at that. Of course it is. Okay - we know that already. I nave to leave. It is torture being there - literally I feel tortured. I can't believe I have 2 more doubles and then work again on Sunday. I still need to pay my rent and I'm really not sure if I am really making any more money. I am making more money - I just - ugh - the comedy club isn't that great of money to begin with. I paid off another old bill. My credit report will be all clean. Clean? Whatever you call it when you don't have old bills on it. Oh dear. The dog is still limping. I'm going to have to take her to the vet. Okay - well that is what I make money for so I can afford to do that and not call my parents or my sister. I just can't believe this is my life. It's sort of sad and yet I suppose I am really lucky. I just need another job other than the comedy club and I want to move. I wan to get the fuck out of here. Really? no - not like that. I have to stop writing. I should pray for at least 10 minutes. Oh fuck - I am a mess. I'm desperate and I am a mess.

Thursday.

Hello. I am awake and I already prayed and meditated. I have 3 doubles the next 3 days. I am not sure how that is going to work out for me. Um - with drama? She changed the store hours so now I won't be able to go to a meeting in between the 2 jobs. Oh boy - I just realized now how that won't work. I heard this girl share last night how she hasn't been good about the program and now she is starting to get filled with resentments. I was like - oh I think I'm good about the program and I'm ALWAYS filled with resentments. Hearing her say that was like thinking I'm clean and organized and then going over to someones house who is REALLY clean and organized. Eye opening. I'm so glad I went to a meeting last night when I didn't want to. I had walked really far and I was tired and just wanted to go home. I had plenty of time once I got home to do what I wanted and then get to sleep on time even though I went - so thank God I did. I'm still such an angry person. It's so crazy. I'm better - that's for sure but I'm still very, very angry. I let little things build up. Well okay - good to know and now I can work on it. Let's get present and drop the rage at the door. What? Shower time. I used to go weeks without showering. Or at least a week - easy. I would never take care of myself - at all. Oh that is so sad - it hurts my heart. Okay - well I do now - see? That's awesome. Bye Blueberry.

Earrrrlyyy morning!!

Holy cow - it's 6:30 in the morning. I have to be up so early to make it back to my commitment in time. I did my ammends yesterday with my best friend here in Ct. She was very gracious and kind about it and said she's happy I'm sober and to just be happy and fly. Haha - it took her only 1 hour after that to try to hook me up with one of her husbands friends. He drinks though and I can't go there. It was a gorgeous day and we went for a walk along the water near her house and dragged her son in this cart. She asked him if he wanted to walk and he just shook his head no - hilarious. I went in her hot tub with the kids and that was fun too. Poor doggie still has diarrhea but she's not quite as explosive. We got the DVD of all the home movies my parents have - you know converted from Super 8 to DVD. there's like one shot of me as a little girl. I mean a baby. Toddling around - little buck toothed blondie. Very sweet. It made me cry - I'm not sure why. I think I can put some of the movies in with the picture video montage. I saw someone do that online. My parents are laughing about something downstairs. It's gorgeous again here today - suuuuny. I can hear roosters crowing and the highway going by in the distance. Everything is so lush and green - flowers blooming all over the place. Even just the wild flowers are so pretty. The dog was limping yesterday also. She was hopping around on 3 legs and one of her ears was flopping because of it. It was so absurd, heart breaking and adorable. Ah this dog is such a trooper I swear. I have only a couple of days to finish the video montage as the free trial is almost up. I need to buy a new DVD player burner also. Oh boy. It's good I am going back to get this project done and get back to my sober life. It is ridiculously gorgeous her though - very hard to leave. Okay - gotta get ready. This lap top is so nice to write on. Bye Blueberry!!!

Early morning!!

Happy Father's Day!! I'm awake so early to get on the train. I didn't work the 3rd show last night so thank GOD. I came home to a bathroom full of dog diarrea AND she had walked in it and sort of put doggie diarrea foot prints all over the place. Oh my God it was so gross and took me forever to clean up. Poor thing - she's not feeling so good. Yuuuuuck. She's so little it's no big deal. It smelled hoooorible. I opened the door and I was like - what the fuck is that smell???? Anywho. The shower was so nice!! She was really surprised and happy. She got lots of cute stuff and stuff she needed. She looks gooorgeous. Holy cow - she does pregnancy well. I feel like I shouldn't get too lost writing on here right now as I need to get to the bank and get on the train. I just perused another blog and I was like - "Boring!!!" But this one isn't exactly the most fast paced piece of work either. It lacked pull - her blog. Some kind of realness that would make me want to read on. I am so fucking tired but I am okay. This is nothing compared to being hung-over. Seriously - I will take just tired over that anyday. I have to pray a little. Bye Blueb - I love you!!

Buddha Saturday.

I am going to think positive thoughts. I am going to write positive thoughts. I woke up in enough time to write, meditate and get to the baby shower. I can't find the bottle openers my father wants anywhere - so crazy. I will pray to Saint Anthony. The dog wants to go out so badly!! It's gorgeous out I don't blame her. I worked last night and it was good and I also took a 2 hour long nap yesterday which was AMAZING!! Oh my - I was exhausted. Part of it is all the cigarette smoke. I will pray to Saint Anthony for that also. Okay - awesome. I have to go!! I love you Blueberry!!

Friday and it's 1 year,

9 months and 13 or so days. Holy shit!! That's also not that long and slowly, slowly things are changing. Holy cow waking up isn't easy. I'm still such a mess in so many ways. She got upset with me at the boutique yesterday and 2 things happened. I said I had to hang up for a minute because I could not take getting yelled at one more second. So that was good but holy cow I really freaked out and it was scary. I was crying hysterically. It triggered something in me. Then after we sort of figured it out I wanted to order an entire cake and eat it. Which I did not do. I am now at the stage of my recovery where I am starting to live again without all the addictive behavior. I mean I sort of ate, watched movies and was filled with rage for my first year of being sober. Now I can't do that or I won't keep healing. So. So now I'm in a kind of pain that can't be numbed. I don't know what I'm talking about. I guess I do - holy cow I think I have PMS. Aweeeesooome. That should help all of my emotions. I am so sensitive and filled with fear and anxiety. It's so crazy. Getting used to this is not going to be easy. I feel like a bed of exposed wires. Now is when I need to learn to have the semi-permeable insulation layer. Put a box around myself that is airy. Oh dear - I have to go do my door commitment. Walk the Miss Doggie. Do some Yoga and walk to work. Love Blueberry. Be what the Buddha says, "What you think you become." Okay - so love, kindness, abundance and health. Mental, emotional and physical health. Amen.

At the boutique.

It's an absolutely beautiful day outside and so far the only thing that has happened is the ConEd guy came. I sent him away because he made me nervous and I'm alone. It was super weird. I asked him to come back on Friday when the owner is her and he just slowly shook his head no. Kind of hilarious but still weird. So I'm eating some cherries and I brought enough food with me for the day. If I don't spend any money while I'm here I will start to really be able to save money. Okay. The picture project for my parents is so intense. Downloading all the photos takes forever and there are so many years to go through!! 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, and the 00's through 01!! Maybe that's how I should group them. It's already 15 minutes long. I'm not so sure anyone wants to watch that for that long. I can speed up the photos. Kids, grand-kids, animals, marriages, and more animals. Maybe I should just stick to just them. What? I have no idea. There are just so many pictures. The crazy part is that I haven't even really done so many. I'm going to do a little research. I have to a lady is here. The ConEd guy came. He was a hunk. So weird. I made him nervous. Haha. I have to go - byeee Blueb!!

Sunshine and cigarettes.

It's early - 8:45 in the a.m. and it's a sunny gorgeous day here in NYC. I woke up (I think) because of cigarettes. I can smell them so intensely but I do not know where it is coming from. One of the guest rooms I guess. I wanted to open my shades early though to let in the sun for the plants. Flowering and berry plants need lots of sun and my best sun is in the morning in this room. I think the dog's leg is better - she was limping last night. She was stuck to her bed by her collar yesterday morning so I think she might have hurt her leg trying to get unstuck. But this morning she seems better. I just emailed someone at an agency who is looking for a female ukulele player. I am not going to my nephew's graduation tonight because it would completely stress me out beyond. I can't do everything. Now that the Miss Doggie's leg isn't so great I'm glad we aren't going. Shoving her in a bag right now would not be good. Okay so what else? I went grocery shopping last night and I got a delicious dinner from Whole Foods. I wasn't going to get groceries to save money but how sad is that? I got tortillas chips with chia seeds in them. I'm so excited to try them!! Therapy was great yesterday but the meditation meeting was a little stressful because I kept farting during it. Haha when we got up the girl next to me whispered while she wrinkled up her nose "Something smells...". I was like "Yeah...". How the fuck am I supposed to meditate and find God that way? Yikes - it was also hot as balls - holy shit. I have to talk to Her Lady Wonder - I haven't spoken to her in days. I've called her - we just haven't spoken. I want a boyfriend and I want my own apartment. I'm ready to move on. Now I just need to figure out how to do that safely and kindly. Oye yoi yoi - but also fun. A new adventure. I'm ready to move on past my past. Bye Blueb.

Monday June 13th.

Holy shit it's the 13th already!! Okay here we go. I have my coffee finally and I went to the store and got some things. I did laundry last night and I can clean up a bit later if I feel like it but it's clean enough in here. I got a strawberry plant in honor of my Grandma and it's springing to life in the window. I also got a pretty blue flowered plant - I have no idea what it is. I feel much more relaxed already although I was completely mean to the landlord and that makes me uncomfortable but also - ugh - he deserves it. I have therapy tonight and my meditation meeting and I didn't want to go but then I felt - I really - felt how self destructive that was. I need to go to the bank and I also need to get out of the house. It's a beautiful day and I deserve to take a shower and get out there and walk and find life. I just really get all twisted up so easily. I really do. Alright I am tired. I just had a great conversation with Larni. I just wish my creativity would come back - it's so strange - I don't understand. I feel like until I leave here I will never have the room for it. It seems impossible. All these things backing up inside me - it's very uncomfortable. I have to get ready for therapy. Bye Blueberry.

Fucking fuck.

I am all fucked up again. I'm so frustrated. I am tired and although today was great and it was fun it was still so awkward. I don't understand. I went to my meeting and that was not fulfilling. I walked and I was out in the sun. I took a shower and I walked the dog. I just - I don't know - I didn't meditate and I'm still so mad about getting locked out. I'm lost and I miss dancing. I really fucking miss dancing. I feel so stuck. I also feel like I have always felt which is like someone else is keeping me from being, doing and feeling the way I want. I just hate living here again. I don't know - I guess I'm being hard on myself and it is really hard to work 14 hours in a row - it's hard for anyone - not just me. There is so much "If only and if, if, if....." in my mind all the time. I just can't breathe here and it feels so awful to come home to and it makes me angry and takes all my energy away. I'm uncomfortable - so, so uncomfortable. Let's write a poem. It worked for Emily Dickinson.

My balls have been drained of their love and worship
By a snake devil dressed in ruffles.
By ruffles I mean potato chips and by dressed I mean
there is a dick in the snakes mouth.
My hate lies at the curb and drinks wine with pleasure,
My balls linger and watch while hoping the last drop of hope won't go.


That's not bad!!! Bye and by bye I mean good night.

I am having some serious coffee right now.

Holy cow. I have to get out of this house. But more than that I'm over it. I'm just done. He called me yesterday at the boutique because he said he was locked out. After I told him where I work, got the keys off the chain, went a little crazy about him showing up there (because he is crazy looking) - he calls and says it's fine. When I told him he locked me out he said he got a migraine and had to take a shower. I was like - um I left you in the kitchen and you were fine. I walked the dog and you were completely gone. Why am I writing about this? Other people write about giving birth and living and I'm writing about the crazy house I live in and my gay sex addicted landlord. Which he is and that's where they were when I was locked out and he was so high that he had no idea or didn't care. Okay anyway....yeesh. I worked 5 days worth of work in 3 and now I can pay more bills. It has been so slow at the comedy club - holy cow. Thank God for this new boutique job or I would be having a really hard time. OR a lot of homemade time. Homemade hair etc. I am going to shoot another video today - I'm excited - sounds like a funny one. Oh I need to read the new script. When it comes to money I see so much of my older sister in me. It's crazy. I want nice things but I don't want to work OR/AND I just don't want to recognize the reality of I can only have so much and if I overspend - I don't have money. I keep ordering food while I'm at the boutique. It is so much money wasted. I am exhausted but I think the coffee is kicking in. I need to get in the shower and do this. I should go to the bank before the shoot. This is my point about money. If I were EVEN better with it and I am better - so much better - but if I were even better I could move out faster. I could move out and for once in the longest time it would be a relief to come home. Not only that but I could make myself an egg if I wanted an egg and it wouldn't be the most uncomfortable, awkward thing in the world. I have to make my new vision board. This one has been amazing - it really has. Okay - oh dear. I might not be AS miserable and filled with rage but I am definitely still angry. Well Okay - alright - none of this was supposed to get cleaned up over night. It's not the dark years anymore and that is wonderful. The Tao says we have 3 treasures: Simplicity, Patience and Compassion. That is all I need today. To keep my 3 treasures near to my heart. Bye Blueberry - you are amazing.

Saturday at the boutique.

It's rainy so not so crazy busy - but I did sell some things already. I am tired as I got about 4 hours of sleep but I'm her and I feel okay. I just ate the hugest burger from Barking Dog. It was amazing. I shouldn't have eaten that - let's say - but I wanted it so bad. My implementation of will power can only go so far in these early stages. Pink had a baby. She looks like a giant, huge cow but I'm still a little jealous. Plus her husband is GORGEOUS - I had no idea. What am I talking about I'm jealous? Really? I can barely handle doing what I am doing right now. I just started to feel like I am a little bit in the world. She is in constant motion - what am I talking about? Okay this is where it is so obvious I am tired. I don't know how I am going to do 3 doubles in a row come the end of the month. Every week!! What - oh no - every other week. Hmmmm. I don't know. It's nice to get it out of the way. Who am I? What am I doing? I noticed a guy at the club eyeing me - or I could feel him watching me and I was so confused because he is married and he also has never really paid me much mind before. I also heard at the end of the night that his wife was pregnant and I still don't understand what was happening. I don't understand people. It is so hard to be so sensitive and yet so clueless. I just don't get people. I think maybe I will never have a relationship and that is just fine with me!! What a relief. After I wrote on here yesterday I walked the dog out back and when I cam e back to the house the landlord had locked and shut the door AND left. What a fucking a-hole. I'm just surprised he didn't shut the garage door. Please dear God I can live without a boyfriend but let me please handle how horrible that creep makes me feel so I can move the fuck OUT of that house. I walked RIGHT by he and his boyfriend in the kitchen - we even spoke. They both just completely blocked out that I was out in the alley and locked the door. He also didn't answer his phone and now his boyfriends phone doesn't work. I am living exactly the way I lived growing up. I really am. Especially when I was a teenager. No privacy, my creativity stifled and I also felt like I wasn't important. But I also felt a lot of pressure to help. What THE FUCK is THAT? Holy shit. Repetition Compulsion says that until I can handle the feeling I won't move on OR I will recreate the pattern the next place I go to. I feel repressed in every way at that house. Sexually (so of course creatively), comfort wise, privacy wise and safety wise. Invaded ALL the time. Well - huh - that's that's just the way it is I guess. I'm going to do some research right now. I wonder what the chances are I can actually change things? I am sober - that I have changed. This is different. I have to go look this up. This is very important boutique business. What? Byeeeee Blueb.

Duuuuuck, duuuuuck

Blogg!! Remember when I called you Blogg? That was my secret name for you. Haha - ohhhhh boy. I am trying to get my shifts covered for the weekend of my parents 50th anniversary. I slept well and enough - I keep using the central air at night. It makes the dog sleep with me all night also!! I have my coffee and I seriously need to meditate. My coffee has a tight lid on it so no spilling on the computer. I did my double yesterday and another one tomorrow. I could really use the night off but I reaaally need the money. I need to pay for my parents before the night party food dinner and my nephew's graduation present. Plus I still have to finish paying off 2 old bills. I will be done with one this month and the other won't be done until September. It's a beautiful day - lots of day noises coming from outside. Birds, planes, sirens, the drill of construction happening. There is ALWAYS construction going on in that alley and I swear nothing ever looks any different. My coffee doesn't seem to be kicking in but I know that can't be true. I had the MOST amazing salad yesterday. Here it was: spinach, dry tuna,capers,green olives, avocado, sprouts, Swiss cheese and lemon pepper vinaigrette which may or may not have been on there - I couldn't tell. I asked for it on the side and it wasn't but it did have a lemony taste to it. It was SO good!! I loved it. I have always loved old man food. Let's see I have been walking more and that feels good and still focusing on using my will power more often. Not about not drinking - I leave that up to You Know Who or You Know What or Whatever You Want To Call It. But as far as not eating mac and cheese all the time or with every meal or things like not walking, not praying - now I use my will power. I'm STARTING to use my will power. Seriously it works!! Who knew? I am not following every urge I have just because I have one. If I did I would have had buffalo chicken fingers and mac and cheese for dinner AND a coke. I also would have had McDonald's 3 times this week. None of that happened!! I had 3 regular chicken fingers for dinner and not from McDonald's. I AM SO BORING!!! Let's look at this time last year. Holy cow - I wrote on here on June 10th last year and I was very unhappy. I will take boring please. I will take a second helping of boring. Boring at lunch, breakfast and dinner. I will take boring for snacks!! Yikes that is SO hard to read how unhappy I was. Holy cow - okay - I'm not there yet but I am better. I'm going to read this next year (hopefully!!) and realize how crazy I am right now. Or I might realize how spiritual and well put together I am. Haaaa - not so fast sister!!! I need to walk the dog. Bye Blueb - love you!!

Holy hot balls.

My balls are sweating and the air is on in here!! My computer is fixed - I already wrote about that. I'm so hot I don't know if I can write. I left the window open and turned the air off at home - I hope the dog will be okay. It's very quiet at the boutique right now. Okay I will write later - my eye balls hurt also. I'm so happy to be awake and alive in the world though - working!! Bye bye for now Blueberry!!

I missed my blog so much!!

My computer and my blog - I had no idea what company they keep me. I was so sad and lonely last night.....ugh. I had Shake Shack tonight and it was amazing. I cleaned out my closet last night and discovered I bought the same pants twice. I had 2 days to bring them back before it wasn't okay anymore. So I did today. I got my computer back and they fixed the DVD player also. I am so much less filled with rage. I am slowly changing. Of all the creative things I love to do reading and writing are my favorite. I think I'm bored. I just don't know about anything. I'm doing the best I can. I've been walking all the time - it feels so good. I love to exercise. Since when? Always. I like the way it feels in my body. I have to go to sleep. Double tomorrow. But I might have Friday off again. I am so grateful and amazed at this computer being okay. Coffee isn't allowed here anymore!!! Jeez - it's a rule. My room is all clean, my sheets are changed and I have a cleaned out closet. See - I'm boring. I am a boring person. Who knew? I am a dull, dull person. I get a kick out of the lamest things. Go figure. Bye Blueb - I get a kick out of you - that's for sure too.

Whoooaaaa

right after I wrote that last post I spilled coffee all over my computer and the screen turned to stripes. what a crazy awful thing. I brought it to see if it could get fixed and I think it can be. So that is fantastic - I just have to bring him the screen to make sure that is okay. It has been so strange not to write on her - I have missed it so much. I seriously - what? I'm at the boutique so I am distracted. She never paid me until Friday so I still haven't gotten paid. He is itching at the bit for his rent money. Which he should be except for the fact that his boyfriend lives there for free and has his cousin there right now. So his boyfriend lives there for free and his boyfriend's cousin is there. What the fuck - it's none of my business. I should pay my rent on time no matter what. I can never plan again around her paying me. That much is very clear. The whole thing is making me sick to my stomach but okay - it will be okay. I have no right to be upset about who he wants to live or stay for free in his house. I can't wait to get out of here and go for a walk. I got a manicure/pedicure yesterday and she massaged my feet/ legs AND back and I LIKED all of it. Go figure. I'm healing. I would have never even a year ago been able to stand that. I also walked a long way to find a place that wasn't so expensive. It seems to be cheaper during the week. SO note to self - go during the week. This is such a boring post. I took such good care of myself yesterday. Better and better all the time. I found myself attracted to the most beautiful man - super sexy - I mean smoking hoooot. Turns out - gay. Jeeez. And bald. Gay and bald and I fantasized about him for 12 hours. Now I'm just confused. Hahahaaa ohh and big sigh. He looked at me funny when I left the meeting yesterday. I thought he was conflicted about his strong feelings towards me - turns out he was probably confused by MY strong feelings towards him. I have to peeeeee. Bye Blueb!!!

I'm so confused.

Okay so I get paid direct deposit from the boutique and it's supposed to be there today and it isn't. So now I can't pay my rent today and I am so not okay with that. This is very annoying. I also had the worst drunk dreams last night - it was insane. I have this one dream that is reoccurring and where time continues. So in this dream I have been drinking since I got into the program. At first it was one drink - a glass of white wine, then another then 3, all the while I was thinking in this dream - I have to go back and count days. So this dream last night was me getting a beer out of the fridge and thinking - who cares - I have been drinking this whole time? But it was a multi-layered dream where I also was so disappointed in myself and somehow there was a whole group of us trying to decide whether or not to say we drank again. I'm not making nay sense - this is awful. Just to be clear these were dreams - I didn't drink or do ANYTHING. I'm so confused. When I took benedryl I had drunk dreams but I didn't take anything - I didn't even want to yesterday. I worked both jobs and I went to a meeting. I forgot to call Her Lady Wonder but that's okay. I also spoke to Larni again. I told him I felt disrespected and blah, blah. He was so sweet and said how much he loves me, needs me and how important I am to the work. It was really kind of him and it's all good - he's a good person. I fucked up at the end of the day at the boutique and I think I locked her out. I tried to call her but she never called me back or replied to my email. I made the same mistake I made before also (with a receipt) only this time I fixed it. I really wanted to take the proof and the receipt with me but I didn't. The good won out in the end but I seriously didn't want to do that. I really wanted to do the wrong thing just to avoid her getting mad at me. Maybe that's why I had the drunk dreams. I did the right thing but it scared me how much I wanted to do the wrong thing. I even decided at one point to do the wrong thing. Yikes - not good. I'm so annoyed about this fucking direct deposit - so not direct deposit. I would get paid faster if she MAILED me a check. The dog is just staring at me - she wants to go out. Holy hardcore staring. Okay well I have to walk her and go do my service at this 12:30 meeting. Bye Blueb. Enjoy this beautiful day!!

I'm at the boutique and all

I want to do is order a hawaiin omelet and a giant creamy coffee. I have to say I am so confused as to my new disdain and lack of interest towards acting and comedy. What the heck? I just need to keep meditating that's all. It will all be okay. I'm going to just keep doing what feels good - that's it. It's such a lovely, windy day. I hope ladies come in today!! The second bird cage is built - hilarious. This beautiful black guy who I made out with once asked me for coffee. When I say beautiful I mean beautiful - he's sooooo pretty. He makes me look prettier that's how pretty he is!! Hahhaa - I'm not even kidding. I don't know that there is actually fire between us and I get kind of a player vibe off of him. I would go to coffee with himthough - for sure. He said the time we made out I told him I swallowed glitter during my show and I was afraid I would have diarrhia. Oh my God - really? It does sound like something I would say. Now I think I could actually just say - no. Okay - um - time to gooooooo and just sit here and wait. I am clean, with food and water. Amazing right?? Bye Blueb.

Awake early and it's sunny and

beautiful. I am having my coffee and I'm going to meditate soon. I really need that so much. Oh dear I feel uncomfortable typing - I feel as though the landlord is listening. I had not such great dreams last night so I woke up kind of out of it. Oh I just realized I'm very in need of prayer and meditation. I fed the dog and I just need to get myself together - I have time. These doubles are very stressful. The landlord and his boyfriend are getting birds. He bought 2 giant bird cages. By bird cages I mean palaces. They are ornate and crazy looking. The poor bird is going to be like - what the fuck?? I don't know - maybe that is exactly where a bird wants to live. Oh dear. One of the cages came in a giant crate - it looks like a person was shipped or an exotic animal. I asked him what kind and he said a canary. He wants to put a canary in a bird house made for the most spoiled 12 parrots. Hilarious. Seriously so ridiculous. I wonder if I can find a picture. I'm suddenly so turned off by show business. I'm so not into comedy or any of it anymore. How bizarre. I'm such a sensitive creature. Is that it? I just want to go to the beach and work. What? I don't know. Well right now I do know - I'm not into it at all. I spoke to Larni and it's all good. I was very nice and kind. Okay I found the birdcage - this is it exactly - it's an antique - he loves antiques. Seriously he must have been so fucking high when he got these things. He hasn't even put the one together yet that came in the crate. Jeez. I have to go. I'm very resistant today. Grumpers. Bye Blueb - thanks for being here.

Happy Wednesday!

I had a dream last night that I was talking a bunch to this guy who I work with at work - he's a comedian. He is married and I met his wife at the Christmas party and she comes in to see him from time to time. He is very cute and sweet but it is clear that he is married - which makes him even more likable actually. The dream found me liking him again and being attracted to him and for some reason we had to hold hands for a moment and within that hand holding I could tell he was married. There is just a slight energy change when someone is taken and it is very easy for me to tell. So I woke up so confused because I am not attracted to this guy - really - I just think he is a nice guy. He certainly isn't one of the guys that I freak out over and I also do NOT like married guys - that is not my thing. But here's what is true. If I were to meet someone I would like it to be a guy like him. I mean I guess that's what the dream was telling me. Anyway I haven't gotten paid yet today from the boutique so I can't pay my rent and for some awful reason that tickles me to no end. Hahahahaaa - I can't pay my rent - hahahaa. I could pay part of it but I don't want to. I don't think that is a good attitude. I meditated and prayed before bed last night, wrote in my journal and made a gratitude list. I also got a haircut yesterday and get this!! They give you a super long hair wash and head massage before the haircut and it was so totally wonderful. I really loved it. No way even a year ago could I have done that. It was so great and my hair looks really cute. He did exactly what I wanted him to do to my hair. The bangs are a little short but that's okay. That hasn't happened in years. The craziest part is that in, I think 2004, I went to this salon and got a haircut and it was amazing and I haven't been back since. The hair dresser I went to moved and opened her own salon and I followed her but it was never the same again. I just googled some stuff yesterday and found this place and then on my way I was like - oh is that the same place from 2004? How fucking crazy is that? It was a critic's pick and I liked what people had to say about it. I wore this outfit yesterday that I wore last year when I was fat still and it does not look right on me anymore. Yikes. I got an amazing night's sleep again - about 9 hours sleep this time. It was so awesome. Today I am planning to work on the picture thing for my parents, my vision board and exercise plus a meeting. I should call Larni somewhere in there and what else? I don't know - get myself ready for that double tomorrow. As far as work this week it's a little easier. 2 days boutique, hopefully 3 days comedy club. It's a little annoying not knowing when I am getting paid - for real. Okay - walk the dog then pray and meditate.