Can't sleep.....

He said it is cancer.  He also said I will be fine although he seemed less sure of himself but we were on the phone so maybe I imagined that part.  I feel so sick and sad.  I called him back today and he said it will be alright - that the care for breast cancer is so much better now.  WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME.  Ugh I don't know what to say.  I don't even know what kind it is or what it looks like.  I am going tomorrow to pick up the film so I can see what it looks like.  I feel like all the abuse I did to my body has done this.  The negativity, the - I don't know.  The guy almost had a fucking coronary when I said that.  So I guess I should stop saying it - it's not helping anyway.  I'm still doing the diet.  Oh Jesus this is exhausting me - I am going to go to sleep.  Ugh I am so scared.  I am scared but also I don't even know what it is.  What is cancer?  I really have no fucking idea.  Ugh okay I have to go.  I am going to try once more to go to sleep.  I should stop doing research it's making me insane.  Love you bye.

Total mess.

I'm a total fucking mess.  This diet alone is fucking hard but add waiting for lab results to come back plus PMS PLUS of COURSE I went to a Alanon meeting guess whose ex-wife was there?  I mean are you fucking kidding me?  I was so upset.  SO SO UPSET.  I took a picture of what I thought was her car and took the license plate also.  At least I know what her car looks like.  Well he also sent me a picture.  I'm so fucking over it.  What?  I don't even know what that means or why I said it.  I have got to find a way to be less negative.  I'm so scared.  I just wish they would call me and tell me the results you know?  Maybe because nothing has happened that's good news.  No news is good news?  I did meditate and talk to one sponsee and that helped.  I can go do that again.  I'm sure I was going to run into her sometime.  The worst part is I wasn't sure if it was her.  Her hair was different and it was her creepy walk that made me realize it was her.  She had gone to the bathroom I guess?  Ugh you know what?  Whatever.  Maybe I should eat some cheese or a gallon of ice cream.  This is a lot.  Meanwhile I am at home.  I'm at home and it's nice and quiet so that's great right?  I'm going to call them hold on.  Okay the doctor is supposed to call me by 4:00.  COULD THIS BE ANY MORE FUCKING DRAMATIC???  Fuuuuucking a.  Gross.  Okay gotta go.  Positive vibes.  I'm grateful.  I'm loved.  I'm crying - holy shit I started to type that and then I completely choked on my own crying spit then sneezed like 50 times.  Is that god's way of telling me to relax?  Maybe.  Byeee.

Terrified and Tired.

I'm so tired.  Monday was okay except for the part where the Doctor said "Do You want to know what I think it is?" and I said yes and he said "Okay well I think it's cancer but you're going to be fine. Fiiine."  I was like I have got to get the fuck out of this place right now.  I of course got home and was super sad and googled a million things.  Then I went and ran a meeting thank God and did not sleep at all that night.  The nurse told me not to lose any sleep over it because you cant know anything until the biopsy results come back.  I of course thought I am going to lose all my sleep and I did.  Yesterday a friend got in touch with me and told me she had a similar situation - told her all the same things and then she was fine.  Twice this happened to her.  So I felt better after she said that and I went into the city to do our podcast - 2 of them actually and I was tired enough to sleep last night.  Today my boob finally hurts and it feels gross.  There is some weird little lump in there which I am convinced is the titanium marker they put in me.  It's a little breast cancer ribbon titanium marker in my boob.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?  Ugh I got up today and went to an audition.  It was very easy and mild, ran almost exactly on time and I got right back on the train and came home.  Now I am so fucking tired!  I took a little nap but I feel like the suspense is fucking killing me and COME ON ALREADY CALL ME.  I'm still doing this diet!  I feel like if ever there was a time for me to eat well it's if I have cancer.  Did I mention I have PMS?  That just can't be helping anything.  Okay so I need to go back into the city for a couple of open mics and that's great.  I'm driving someone which makes me nervous but I already asked her if she's difficult in the car.  She assured me no and htat she is also not a backseat driver.  Haha she laughed but seriously I am not spending an hour in the car with someone freaking the fuck out no thanks.  NO THANKS.  I looked up what metaphysical reason causes breast cancer and it said BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER.  Gross.  I wish I was one of those people that could just be like I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT THIS and then that's it.  Ugh why am I beating myself up?  This is terrifying and I know he was just being real with me but it sucks.  I should have said "No I don't want to know what you think!  Just tell me I'm fine byeeee."  I asked him if I should freak out and do you know what he said??  "Should you freak out?  Well I mean when someone tells you have cancer - you can freak out but you don't need to.  (Then he shut his eyes leaned back and said)  But you're gonna be fiiine."  THANK YOU SO MUCH.  Ugh okay.  I'm going to try to meditate before I go into the city.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Biopsy Day!

I said it like it's a fun thing even though it made me feel sick to my stomach to write that.  I have been freaking out about today, and then it just occurred to me about 20 minutes ago that I wont get the results for 2 weeks or so - maybe less but not today right?  So now I feel a little more calm.  Although I do feel weepy on and off.  It seems a little crazy also doing this diet when I may just be dying but also I have PMS and I can't tell what the fuck is going on at all.  I haven't been able to take my pain medicine for PMS because of the biopsy so I am just mess.  I mean you know - like I said the other day - I'm not like a craaazzy mess like a psychotic throwing fits and just being nuts mess.  But I am all over the place emotionally - ugh when am I not?  I mean I have a lot of emotions - that's it!  Throw in some hormones and a biopsy and it equals more emotions.  The guy is going to come with me today thank God.  I have the day off and I am super grateful for that.  We went to see my family yesterday and it was so much fun.  We had such a nice day trip and I took flowers from the farm.  So to wake up here after a good nights sleep, seeing fresh flowers on the table - it's wonderful.  We swam in the pool yesterday and I ate lots of meat - no cake!  The guy had 2 pieces!  Ha - that's some kind of fucking miracle that I didn't eat any cake.  There's plenty of time for cake and lets face it - I have had plenty of cake.  It does feel like I am white knuckling it a little bit with the no sugar but its only for 19 more days.  Today is Day 11 for this diet and that's exciting.  Exciting?  Hmmmm - that's probably not the right word.  Cool.  Cool?  Something??  It's a challenge and I am into challenges!  Okay I need to get ready.  I am really loving the Oprah/Deppak Choprah free meditation experience right now.  It's fucking amazing.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I'm a mess - or am I?

I guess that is a legitimate question.  I feel sick and I am so scared to be biopsied and operated on.  I have never had anesthesia and it's very scary to me.  I think I feel sick because of this diet though and not even the sugar withdrawal anymore - I think it's the garlic I keep putting on everything.  I just realized right this second when I burped and it tasted like garlic that it's probably that.  Oh duh.  Okay so I have reasons to be scared and I also have PMS, can't take any midol (because of the biopsy) and I'm not eating the cake/ice cream/brownie/French fry/Wendys combo that I used to eat when I had PMS so I just don't have that comfort.  LISTEN THESE ARE FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS I GET IT - but this is what I am going through and I'm allowed to fucking express myself about it.  Who the fuck am I yelling at!?  The craziest thing is that I have now lost 5 fucking pounds on this diet and I am eating A LOT of food.  Saying I lost ANY weight when I have PMS is amazing.  So I guess now is as good a time as any to change directions health-wise.  What?  Yeah.  I just got off the treadmill.  It felt almost impossible to jog today.....it's so fucking hot already.  But I did it - I don't want to lose the exercise - I have worked so hard to be able to jog and I want to be able to keep doing it.  Also I know it helps the PMS beyond.  I have been watching too much New Girl.  It's okay it's just weird and I dreamed a really boring episode last night.  Not a real one - just one my subconscious made up....about a leaky hose and a "problem" at the hospital where hilarious chaos ensued.  Okay I have plenty to do today and feel super grateful that I have this time to help shift directions health-wise and that I can be home to take care myself - it's glorious.  I prayed and meditated this morning, made myself breakfast, wrote in my journal and I'm about to listen to an Alanon meeting.  Ugh I just got depressed.  It's okay - I can exercise more later and that will help.  Am I lying to myself?  About - oh my fucking God who cares.  OKAY - love you Bluebie bye.

Oh blech

I don't know what to say but that.  I feel supremely sorry for myself right now - between the stupid diet and going to the doctor today - I feel awful.  I haven't felt this way in a long time.  Years it feels like.  The sugar withdrawal is awful.  The doctor said all my lumps were fine but found something else that the mammogram picked up.  He is doing a biopsy on Monday and then is going to take "it" out - whatever the fuck "it" is.  I asked him if I should freak out or not.  He said even if it's cancerous it doesn't mean you have cancer.  You know what?  I laughed because that did not make me feel better at all and it wasn't an answer to my question.  I just feel depressed and kind of like Im dying.  I think I feel like Im dying ftom the sugar detox and this just threw me for a loop.  I think I would have gone and eaten my feelings after this today but I can't.  Im going to fry a banana.  I think that might be sugary and better.  Better?  Im fucking terrified.  I have such negative thoughts and feelings.  Is that what is stuck there in my breast?  Does my body hate life that much?  Am I that sick still - that I would get cancer?  I abused my body so much and was so upset for so many years.  Im going to fry a banana.  The nurse told me to not go online.  Im allowed to be upset right?  Yes.  Monday feels like 47 years from now.  Am I going to be 47?  I hope so.  I have been home since like 2:30.  I just couldn't leave or do anything.  I don't have any money and it was so fucking hot.  Im allowed to not feel good.  Im going to fry that banana now.  Okay well good for me - Im sitting here watching New Girl from the beginning and feeling sorry for myself.  Okay!  Game on.  The guy is at alanon.  Im going to go now love you Bluebie bye.

A Lump and the Whole 30

I'm writing this on my notes pad on my phone because we are at the beach and I can't get online. I went to the gynocologist on Friday and she found a lump in my breast. I have an ultrasound and a mammogram for Tuesday morning. I got in my car afterwards and cried and promptly thought how bizarre it is to be so upset about possibly dying when I know I'm going to die one day. I just can't stand the thought of hurting my mother - that was my next thought. I started doing the Whole 30 diet that day - having nothing to do with the doctors visit - and so I sort of lost myself in grocery shopping and researching for that. Yesterday I put a castor oil pack on my breast and researched breast cancer. Then I almost as quickly stopped researching it and just looked up holistic ways to heal in the case of such awful news. Anyway. The beach is absolute heaven right now. The guy is running and I'm just sitting here with my legs spread getting some good old American sunshine on my cooch.  It's breezy and in the 80's amazing. I was having some awful withdrawal last night from the diet. It's no dairy, sugar, grains or fun. Haha you can have fun you just can't EAT anything fun.  I slept a lot and today I'm a bit better and the beach is helping tremendously. I have an audition tomorrow so I need to get myself ready for that. I just sneezed like 10 times and smelled the beach for the first time. Oh my God is there a better smell in the world? Seaweed, sand and salt water. And sunshine - I swear I can smell the sunshine now. I have to say that as soon as I stopped crying on Friday after the doctor I thought how grateful I am that I'm sober. It didn't make me want to drink although I did later in the day wonder if I would get to smoke pot. Soooooo yeah great I'm already dying in my head. Anywhoooo I need to lay down and tan the back of my legs that never ever seem to want to tan. Love you Bluebie bye.

Day 2867

Hi.  There's so much going on in my head.  I keep thinking about being the best me I can be and how to be the best me I can be.  I don't think I have ever thought that way before.  How to take of things.  How to take care of my life as if it were a child.  How would I do things differently then?  Or if it was my mother?  I know that sounds weird but I always think differently when it comes to my mother or children.  Anyway I'm up in the morning which is glorious.  I think one of the greatest gifts of sobriety is waking up in the morning, in the sunshine and not hung-over.  It is a glorious and beautiful thing.  I absolutely adore it.  Living here now I hear the birds and smell fresh cut grass which is also amazing.  It is definitely the little things that make sobriety wonderful.  Okay so I am so nervous about this big show on Wednesday and I am coming to some crazy conclusion about comedy which is that I am never going to be a comic.  I think.  I mean I could be - but only if I'm not an actor.  I can't do both.  I can't do both as my CAREER.  I can ACT and do SOME comedy or I can be a comedian and do SOME acting.  FOR ME.  I hate when people say that "FOR ME what works FOR ME"  haha.  ANYWAY.  I think that is what I am figuring out.  The guy keeps calling it my business plan - my business model.  Of which I have never really had one - not a real one and not a lasting one.  So crazy.  I guess I get a little nervous because he makes TEETH so what the fuck does he know about show business but he does HAVE a business.  Anyway I need to go for a walk and get some fresh air.  He has to go to court today again for his ex.  Ugh I am so nervous and sick about that too and last night I realized how sad this must be on some level for him.  He was married to her for A LONG ASS TIME.  He tried over and over in lots of ways to make it work and I'm guessing she did too.  Somehow anyway.  It's really sad.  I have lost many of my own loves and it sucks.  It more than sucks of course it's heartbreaking.  She just can't accept and she can't let herself grieve it I guess.  And who wants to do that?  Also this doesn't really have anything to do with me.  I mean I'm sure it doesn't make it any easier for her to accept - me being in the picture - but this is their thing.  Her thing I guess.  Aw - I mean barf times so many millions.  I have been praying for her and I am going to keep doing that.  I also will have her arrested if she comes anywhere fucking near me but I will do it from a place of compassion.  Do I sound like I am full of shit?  I hope not.  Or if I do oh well.  I really do hope healing for her.  For anyone suffering like that.  For myself when I am crazy like that.  Gotta go live my life now.  Love you Bluebie bye.

A trip to the police station....

So this woman can not control herself.  I got home yesterday after being with the kids all day and I got the mail.  guess who sent my guy a letter?  That's right - Barbara Driscoll.  She put her little address sticker on there that has a hot air balloon on it and everything.  I'm sure there is some fucking irony in that choice of design.  Anyway I called the guy and he got freaked out and said he believed it was a violation of her stay away order.  He looked at the order and it is indeed.  I then reached out to some people and one friend suggested the police and I was like you know what - yes - I have had it - and I told him he needs to call the police and tell them and ask them what to do.  SOMEHOW I MANAGED TO NOT OPEN THE LETTER.  I don't know how.  I went for a walk and waited till he got home.  He opens the letter and guess what is in there?  A legal document that she has made a copy of that she has sent to the court where she has "Withdrawn" the statement she made about he and I going to her apartment and harassing her.  Um - what's that you say?  SHE FILED A POLICE REPORT AND SAID I WENT TO HER FUCKING APARTMENT.  With my guy.  She said we sat out front, the security guard told her we wanted to see her, she came outside and we said "That's where she lives."  AND THEN WE DROVE AWAY.  So she filed a police report saying that, got an order of protection against my guy and no no he DID NOT TELL ME THAT'S WHAT IT SAID - then she waited 2 weeks and realized what a whopper of a lie that was and decide to take it back.  She just highlighted it and was like WITHDRAWN.  Hahaha - what a fucking lunatic.  Anyway so I was still like we are going to the police.  The guy said that actually - that he didn't want to call he just wanted to go.  So we went and they said that we could have her arrested.  The order of protection says NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND not even mail.  He has a court date for Monday and the police said we could just wait till Monday and show the judge the letter.  He also said if we wanted to we could still have her arrested.  And he also said we still can at any point.  Can you believe this is what this woman is doing with her time?  I don't know if I was still drinking I'm sure I might do something like this.  What a load of crap.  I mean what a load of crap drama.  Of unnecessary crap drama.  I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES.  I don't WANT to know.  I don't want anything to DO with her.  I feel terrible that she isn't well and that she cant even control herself enough to not send a letter.  I mean I really do - I get it.  It sucks to be mad.  It sucks to have feelings.  It sucks to not get what you want or to get what you want or to BE FUCKING CRAZY - IT SUCKS.  But she literally ruined her marriage and she is literally doing all of this.  We decided to not have her arrested and wait till Monday to hopefully get a longer term order of protection.  I am not sure how I feel but I just wasn't sure.  Having someone arrested is so intense.  I guess if he didn't already have the court date it would be different.  Well I had a lovely day so far today.  Ran a meeting and went to breakfast with my ladies and did step-work with my sponsee.  It was great.  Came home and went for a walk.  Do you know what she wrote in the letter to the court that she sent a copy of?  She said all this is upsetting her and making her stomach hurt.  HA.  What?  Well yeah mine too.  My stomach hurts too.  Okay I have to stop because I am not being nice but once again I wanted to write this down so there is a record.  Even though we went to the police I am still going to write this down.  I hope she gets some help.  Barf.  So so barf.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Celebrate the 4th of July with a Half of Sandwich!

I just ate half of a sandwich.  I am trying to slim down and I realized while we were on vacation that I don't need to eat a whole sandwich for lunch.  My whole life I have watched my mother eat a half of a sandwich for lunch.  I'm not growing!  Why do I need to eat some huge lunch?  I just ate that half of a sandwich - is it half a sandwich or half a sandwich - fuck I don't know or care the point is I ate only part of a sandwich and was FULL.  It was also delicious.  Do you want to know what it was?  Okay!  A toasted piece of raisin Ezekiel bread with mayo mixed greens and two slices of turkey.  IT WAS AMAZING.  Hmmm.  Strange.  The whole time I am writing this I am so paranoid that somehow my guy's ex is reading this.  How could she be reading  this as I am typing it?  Also what is she going to do - read my recipe for half a sandwich and hurt me with it somehow?  Maybe who the fuck knows.  I suddenly feel so creeped out right now.  Anyway I feel better today or at least I did before I got creeped out.  Yesterday was such a hard day - or at least I woke up badly.  I was so depressed and I felt horrible.  I was being super negative and was filled with rage about the guy and the situation with his ex.  I told myself I only had to get through that one day and then today was a new day.  I went and babysat the kids, then went to the DMV which took hours and was hilariously awful - BUT!  I made it through.  Then I came home, walked and went and did service at my meeting.  I also took a tiny nap.  I finally felt better before I went to sleep and today I woke up feeling much better.  The whole concept of "One Day At A Time" really works for me.  It's a lot easier to swallow a difficult time one day at a time.  I just say to myself "I just need to keep it in today - that's it - that's all I have to do."  It's a huge relief.  Anyway it's a holiday and thank GOD we aren't doing anything.  We jogged this morning and now I am just trying to get myself to do my yoga and kettle bell.  What is going to happen with this crazy ex of his?  I get that she's mentally ill or whatever but also on some very real level she just wants us to be miserable.  Haha I just started to laugh writing that - um DUH THAT'S ALL SHE WANTS.  Also what does the judge decide in court when there are 2 restraining orders?  Who do you give it to?  I am going to look that up.  Okay well - love you Bluebie - Happy 4th of July!

The Ex Who Made The Police Come Visit

Well we are back from vacation.  This morning the land lady called and said the police were here a few times while we were gone.  He called and can you even imagine and I'm sure you can - his fucking stalker ex-wife retaliated his restraining order with - A RESTRAINING ORDER.  So just to be clear - this won't be clear but to be slightly more clear - about a month ago she went to his office and harassed him like a lunatic.  He went and got a retraining order, they set up a court date and she DID NOT SHOW UP IN COURT.  So then he set up another restraining order and has another court date.  She did indeed get served the papers on the 22nd of June and then she went to court herself and got another order and se up a court date for the EXACT TIME HE ALREADY SET THE DATE FOR.  So this time she HAS to show u in court.  This is the thing - he just wants her to leave him alone.  It sucks it didn't work out - it sucks that she can't let it go.  So now she has this restraining order which is THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT.  Except she still has some bizarre connection to him.  She is getting attention?  The cops came this morning after we were done exercising and served him the papers.  First they asked me if I was her hahahaa.  I was like "Um - no."  I asked them what I can do if she shows up at the house again.  I told them she scared me and I don't even know her and that there are families here and it's not okay.  They said I can just call them.  I also asked if her having a restraining order against him meant she can't come here and they said no or they don't know but anyway he has one against her right now anyway.  Can you even imagine that's who this woman is being in her life?  This is what she is spending her time doing......bothering people to the point where they have to go to court because she is so fucking unnerving and instead of stopping she says - NO YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!!  She is literally doing this to herself.  And now I am spending time on a beautiful Summer day writing this shit down so there is a paper trail.  That's what the police said to do.  I just had a thought of me trying to use this secret blog in court and them being like - "EVIDENCE NUMBER 1 - BLUEBERRIES AND DREAMS BLOG OCTOBER 23rd 2016."  That's not the correct date I think and I'm pretty sure that's not how they say it but UGH WHY IS SHE SO NUTS?  I would be the same way if I wasn't in recovery.  Just a fucking mess.  Creating a mess and then being pissed of and victim about people being upset about the mess.  Anyway ugh.  We had a nice vacation and it was so nice to come home to a clean apartment last night and get in clean bed and get a good night's sleep.  It's okay this is life.  It's ridiculous but it's life.  I just want to focus on the love.  The love and what makes me happy and staying healthy and sober.  That's all.  I'm so uncomfortable.  Between this and just not really having any money I'm uncomfortable but guess what?  I have a beautiful life and it's okay.  It's barf but it's okay.  Love you Bluebie bye.  ps am I lying to myself!??