Monday, July 10, 2017
Hi. There's so much going on in my head. I keep thinking about being the best me I can be and how to be the best me I can be. I don't think I have ever thought that way before. How to take of things. How to take care of my life as if it were a child. How would I do things differently then? Or if it was my mother? I know that sounds weird but I always think differently when it comes to my mother or children. Anyway I'm up in the morning which is glorious. I think one of the greatest gifts of sobriety is waking up in the morning, in the sunshine and not hung-over. It is a glorious and beautiful thing. I absolutely adore it. Living here now I hear the birds and smell fresh cut grass which is also amazing. It is definitely the little things that make sobriety wonderful. Okay so I am so nervous about this big show on Wednesday and I am coming to some crazy conclusion about comedy which is that I am never going to be a comic. I think. I mean I could be - but only if I'm not an actor. I can't do both. I can't do both as my CAREER. I can ACT and do SOME comedy or I can be a comedian and do SOME acting. FOR ME. I hate when people say that "FOR ME what works FOR ME" haha. ANYWAY. I think that is what I am figuring out. The guy keeps calling it my business plan - my business model. Of which I have never really had one - not a real one and not a lasting one. So crazy. I guess I get a little nervous because he makes TEETH so what the fuck does he know about show business but he does HAVE a business. Anyway I need to go for a walk and get some fresh air. He has to go to court today again for his ex. Ugh I am so nervous and sick about that too and last night I realized how sad this must be on some level for him. He was married to her for A LONG ASS TIME. He tried over and over in lots of ways to make it work and I'm guessing she did too. Somehow anyway. It's really sad. I have lost many of my own loves and it sucks. It more than sucks of course it's heartbreaking. She just can't accept and she can't let herself grieve it I guess. And who wants to do that? Also this doesn't really have anything to do with me. I mean I'm sure it doesn't make it any easier for her to accept - me being in the picture - but this is their thing. Her thing I guess. Aw - I mean barf times so many millions. I have been praying for her and I am going to keep doing that. I also will have her arrested if she comes anywhere fucking near me but I will do it from a place of compassion. Do I sound like I am full of shit? I hope not. Or if I do oh well. I really do hope healing for her. For anyone suffering like that. For myself when I am crazy like that. Gotta go live my life now. Love you Bluebie bye.