Friday, July 21, 2017

I'm a mess - or am I?

I guess that is a legitimate question.  I feel sick and I am so scared to be biopsied and operated on.  I have never had anesthesia and it's very scary to me.  I think I feel sick because of this diet though and not even the sugar withdrawal anymore - I think it's the garlic I keep putting on everything.  I just realized right this second when I burped and it tasted like garlic that it's probably that.  Oh duh.  Okay so I have reasons to be scared and I also have PMS, can't take any midol (because of the biopsy) and I'm not eating the cake/ice cream/brownie/French fry/Wendys combo that I used to eat when I had PMS so I just don't have that comfort.  LISTEN THESE ARE FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS I GET IT - but this is what I am going through and I'm allowed to fucking express myself about it.  Who the fuck am I yelling at!?  The craziest thing is that I have now lost 5 fucking pounds on this diet and I am eating A LOT of food.  Saying I lost ANY weight when I have PMS is amazing.  So I guess now is as good a time as any to change directions health-wise.  What?  Yeah.  I just got off the treadmill.  It felt almost impossible to jog today.....it's so fucking hot already.  But I did it - I don't want to lose the exercise - I have worked so hard to be able to jog and I want to be able to keep doing it.  Also I know it helps the PMS beyond.  I have been watching too much New Girl.  It's okay it's just weird and I dreamed a really boring episode last night.  Not a real one - just one my subconscious made up....about a leaky hose and a "problem" at the hospital where hilarious chaos ensued.  Okay I have plenty to do today and feel super grateful that I have this time to help shift directions health-wise and that I can be home to take care myself - it's glorious.  I prayed and meditated this morning, made myself breakfast, wrote in my journal and I'm about to listen to an Alanon meeting.  Ugh I just got depressed.  It's okay - I can exercise more later and that will help.  Am I lying to myself?  About - oh my fucking God who cares.  OKAY - love you Bluebie bye.

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