Lesbian meeting and homework.

I went to a super lesbian meeting after work - it was so manly but you know what - they were funny and awesome and I loved the transgendered drunk "bitch from the 80's - THROWBACK!"  That's how she talked about herself.  Omg - I'm so tired - how did I ever work at that other job after working a brunch?  I did homework tonight, cleaned the bathroom - took a bath and ate - McDonald's.  Ugh - I did - now I'm washing my clothes n the sink.  Am I the most boring person alive?  I don't know 0 let's figure it out tomorrow - I'm so tired- I love you Bleubie bye.

Totally beating myself up.

I really am - I'm just - ripping myself a new one.  I am back home here in the city - I had a great day and I got back reasonable well.  I have to do laundry and be at work at 8:00 am and I hate that.  My eyes looked so clear from being in the country and now I smell cigarette smoke and I want to slaughter my super.  Why am I so poor that I have to live above cigarette smoke?  I should just stop writing.  I'm drinking coffee because I really had no energy to do this laundry and I can't wear the same clothes for the 3rd weekend in a row.  I'm just - annoyed.  I never get to travel - oh dear GOD - I haven't been to a meeting now in 3 days - this is the 3rd day but one day I listened to 2 phone meetings.  I'm just grumpy.  I don't want to do laundry - I got into a little bit of vacation mode and I guess I don't want to stop.  I didn't get to see my best friend and my poor Grandfather is turning into a gnome.  Oh boy - he's so sweet and pleasant but he can barely walk - and his toupee is barley on and his teeth - he forgets to put in ALL his teeth. Awwwww - it's like watching my dog all over again.  I just want to lay here in the cigarette smoke and read - haha.  I wish I had a house with a washer and dryer for fuck's sake.  One where someone isn't smoking under me.  Ugh - okay - I'm frustrated and annoyed that's all.  Why don't I be grateful I don't have to wash my clothes in a stream.  Maybe I would like that better than washing them on 204th street though?  Maybe I'm never going to get married again.  Holy shit - maybe I really missed out - I'm never going to have my own family and now I don't even have a dog to travel with.  Maybe it's only going to get worse from here??  Oh my fucking GOD - what if I really fucked up - I really made a huge mistake - what?  WHAT?????  What am I talking about?  I'm going to leave now and angrily do my laundry so I don't feel completely gross tomorrow while I wait on people.  Then - I am going to come home and work on my scene for class (which I did today also) and my monologues for an audition on Friday.  I'm going to pick up my paycheck from work and order headshots and give them to the people that asked for them.  Jesus fucking Christ - and go to a meeting - I will also go to a meeting.  Bye.

Grateful and Goals.

I'm so grateful I am sober and I am so grateful I am her on the farm with my parents.  They are as coo-coo as ever and it's wonderful.  It's a crisp, sunny, gorgeous day and I am awake and showered.  Are you kidding me - I'm not hung over and I'm not freaking out.  How amazing and beautiful is that?  That being said - I need and want to get my shit together now.  Here are my goals.  I need to be and will get more organized with my time - so I can write and I mean write some shit - not just scribble in my journal.  I'm going to write a plat or a movie and I'm going to fucking produce it.  Maybe both.  I want to make money performing - form my art - whatever - I want to be able to rent a car or a plane or whatever - hello let's grow up.  I want to - PARTICIPATE IN LIVING!!!!  I need to go downstairs and peel potatoes and make hors dervs.  I want a baby and a dog and I want to let it FLOW THROUGH ME.  OPEN UP MY SPIGOT!!!!  So I need to organize my time and I need to get to it.  Gotta go peel - love you Bleubie - so grateful for you in my cyber life.

Okay.

There was just an old lady in here with her friend/helper - and she smelled a lot and I mean a LOT like pee.  Her helper/friend is one of those people who says things like "Oh - I don't like it - it's so ugly - that's why I didn't buy it before - it's so ugly right there."  What?  Are you sure you didn't buy it because it's 1000 dollars?  Last time she was in here by herself and she doesn't remember I was here I guess because she said that time "Oh - oh I wish this scarf was on sale - all I need is for it to be on sale or I need 250 dollars!!  Then she gave me these puppy dog eyes.  Um - what?  Why is she letting her old friend walk around smelling like pee?  I mean the lady reeks of pee.  It makes me so mad.  She is not a good friend/helper.  Anyway - fuck - I just want to go to the farm and eat a lot of Thanksgiving food.  I want to visit my dead dog and cat and get some fresh fucking air.  I just got myself a lovely free cappuccino - that was nice.  My friend who works her gave me free cards to get free coffees at a place near her where it's 5 dollars for a teeny tiny drink.  The girl put a heart on it and it's delicious so that was so nice right?  Why am I so angry?  Um - I don't know either.  I'm going to write for a little while bye.

So creeped out.....

The last few days I have felt like someone has been following me.  Ever since I got my new coat - I mean last night I thought to myself - maybe it is just the fur (faux - haha) lining on the hood - maybe I am just seeing that and it's freaking me out.  But seriously there has been times over the last 5 days or so and RIGHT NOW where I feel like someone is watching me and following me.  Why in the fucking world would anyone do that?  I mean seriously - am I totally losing it?  I just stood up at the store and went over to the door and stared out to see if I could "catch" this person and this black guy walked by talking to his friend and looked at me like I was crazy.  I think I scared him.  It's just dark and eerie out right now - that's all.  RIGHT??????  You know it all started last Tuesday night when I was walking to class and as I opened the door to the building and I was on my phone so I was distracted - this guy in my class opened the door with me - right like he was to my right and like - opening the door for me and he like "Yeah - hi - how you doing!?"  Oh this was the guy who told me he was a fucking Christian.  What does that even mean?  I must have looked at him like he was crazy - I mean I didn't see the guy anywhere and he must have been walking right behind me.  AM I THAT GOOD OF AN ACTRESS THAT I AM GETTING STALKED JUST FROM MY WORK IN CLASS?  Must be.  Must fucking BE.  What?  This is isn't funny.  Am I that delusional and crazy?  The answer to all these questions could be yes.  Okay - well I just off the phone with my father who just had cataract surgery.  He said "If this were the old days I would be sitting in my rocking chair blind as a bat."  Haha - sigh.  I love you bye.

Different day....

It's a different day - so quiet here at the store and even outside for that matter.  I think everyone is leaving the city for the holiday.  It's starting to snow and it's gray and cold outside.  So I made some phone calls and I ate the guacamole I made last night.  I cooked last night - I made fresh guacamole, fresh green beans with garlic, rice and then I got a half of a rotisserie chicken.  For the life of me I don't know why I insist on eating rotisserie chicken and watching The Walking Dead.  I only watched one episode last night - I just couldn't - it was too depressing.  I did my hair and my toes and I got a decent night's sleep.  Oh boy.  So now what?  I don't know.  I called my cousin - she didn't answer.  I have my big meeting tonight and class - although I think it might get cancelled.  Why don't I do some more self-care right now?  Some career self-care?  I can schedule some things and prepare for class as if it it is going to happen.  Yes - okay.  Yes.  Okay - let's get up and out of ourselves Bluebie - let's take advantage of the quiet and get on solid ground.  What?  Love you bye.

What the fuck am I doing?

I'm so freaked out - I just got done working my 3rd shift in a row at that new job - rehearsing for a new scene for class and went once again to do a late night spot at the comedy club and it was cancelled.  I'm so tired and fried and I don't feel like I am even going forward a little bit.  I'm freaked out about my uncle and I'm so confused by how scared I am that I am not at that job anymore.  I don't know - I just keep thinking "But I want to act and do comedy - why am I so freaked out about leaving a job where I get to do NEITHER of those things??"  I've hated the job FOR YEARS.  Oh my GOD - it's so crazy.  The money though - lord - I just have to be so much more careful with money now and it's freaking me out.  But so what?  I'm just scared I'm never going to make more money and that - oh my fucking GOD I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FANTASIZE ABUNDANTLY!!  I can't even fathom me getting paid a shitload of money to work on a fun, brilliant, wonderful film or TV show or play or musical OR ALL OF THOSE THINGS.  I am home, it's warm in here (fucking FREEZING outside) and I can make myself a nice dinner and I bought some things to bring home for Thanksgiving.  I have to call my cousin - how can I not have called her yet?  I'm just fried.  I need to get some sleep, take care of myself - I can do this.  I just need some super duper self-care right now.  I don't know - I really don't know.  I'm going to eat some food.  I just replaced the light bulb above the stove.  This is the second time I have done that and it fascinates me every time that I can do it.  How bizarre is it that I am in awe of the fact that I can unscrew the lid, take out the light bulb, put in a new one, screw the lid back on and it works?  Is that bizarre or is that fantastic?  I miss my dog.  Ugh.  I don't know - I need to eat some dinner bye.

My uncle just died.

Ugh - why do these things always have to happen around the holidays?  He was an alcoholic - terrible - I honestly don't even know how he lived this long.  So - I just have felt so sad the last few days....I saw a weird thing on the street - I don't know - I just knew something was going to happen.  Oh - he must have been in so much pain.  He has been in and out of hospitals for years.  He would detox and get out and go right back to drinking - just couldn't get out of the cycle.  I hope he is in a better place - I hope he is relieved of the pain and suffering.  I just don't know what else to write - I feel so sad and I feel more grateful than ever that I am in the program - that I have been given the gift of sobriety - and it is - for me - a gift.  I am not waiting for a drug dealer right now and I'm not sloppy drunk humping a radiator by myself while I watch Dancing With The Stars.  Good fucking lord.  Good Jesus fucking Lord.  I had my last night at the comedy club tonight and they fucking called me off.  I had said I didn't wan to come in earlier in the week and my friend said I should come in - that they needed to get me a goodbye cake or pizza.  Then at the last minute tonight he was like - oh it's slow - we don't need you.  HA - ugh.  The place were I really bottomed out - that comedy club and that Bed and Breakfast.  Those 2 places are behind me now and my poor uncle is dead.  Ugh - life is so tender - so - what I don't know - I'm crying.  My poor uncle is dead and I'm making it about me.  I didn't even know him really - I just feel sad what can I say.  I ordered Chinese food.  I'm going to get myself ready for bed and paint my nails.  You know what I'm going to do?  I'm going to pray.  I'm going to pray and just love.  That's all.  Okay bye.

I'm going to deal with that later or never......

A lady just came in who is creeping me out - why?  She looks nice - smells like a Grandma even though she's not old enough but nonetheless - creeping me out.  Anyway she picked dup a beautiful pair of earrings and asked if something was missing from them - so I picked up my broken glasses (which are ironically missing the stems) and I looked and indeed - there are 2 giant pieces of rhinestones missing.  Which is too bad - they are so pretty - but I put them aside and I am so not dealing with it right now.  3 people asked me for directions and help this morning on my way to work - I lost my metro-card on my way to work and I was sooooooo sad.  I just got so super sad.  I feel like I am in college again only with less money.  I'm living just exactly okay with money and I feel so lonely - what?  I miss my dog.  I'm happy she's in a better place and now I can see her this week when I go to my parents farm for Thanksgiving.  Oh good I'm crying.  Fuck.  What is wrong with me today?  I just don't have love in my life and I feel heart broken.  I'm so lucky right?  I have beautiful, kind friends and I'm sober - which is more than I can have ever hoped for.  I'm doing comedy again - I love my acting class and I have my own apartment.  Now I'm really crying.  Okay - I just decide this hormonal.  Right?  I'm hormonal.  I just feel depleted and I miss LOVE.  What?  I'm going to go for a walk - it's chilly today but it's sunny and crisp- it's a beautiful day.  I - what - I had a gorgeous breakfast - a salmon ceaser salad - I felt better after I ate.  I'm going to go for a walk and get some chocolate - get ready for the show tonight that I hope happens.  I'm hosting so I really need to be ready.  We wrote last night and that was great.  I guess I feel vulnerable.  GROSS LET'S SNAP OUT OF IT!  Okay - walk, bank, chocolate and hydrate.  Thank you - I love and can love - let's do this.  Bye sweet blog I love you.

Acting and broken glasses......

Okay - there is salt all over the counter at the boutique - so annoying.  She got salt delivered for the sidewalk when it snows and one of the containers opened inside the box - yeesh!  Anyway - I clearly don't feel like dealing with it.  Soooo - last night I had class and my scene partner - haha - SAT ON MY GLASSES - and broke them.  Guess what my gorgeous, giant crotched teacher said?  THAT IT WAS THE BEST PART OF THE SCENE.  GREAT!!  Good thing I have an excellent sense of humor - fuck.  I also - THANK GOD - have a pair of glasses waiting for me that are ready - jesus.  So anyway - ugh what a turd.  He's a turd but he's awesome but also - sooooo long winded with the stories - Jesus.  He told us all about how his teacher's wife of 62 years died - the music they played - dear GOD - I couldn't HANDLE it.  When he was finally done with the story I started to clap - I didn't even realize I did it - I JUST WANTED TO HAVE ACTING CLASS FOR FUCK'S SAKE.  I already read the article about her in the New York Times and it made me cry and I just can't handle long winded dying stories at the beginning of acting classes.  He was like "Okay - she's clapping - I'm done with the story."  Haha - SORRY BUT COME ON.  Well so I don't have on glasses right now but it's okay.  This creepy guy in class was like "Oh - are you going to get home okay without your glasses?"  WOW - NO - CAN YOU GUIDE ME HOME AND PERHAPS FUCK ME OR TALK TO ME ABOUT GOD WHEN WE GET THERE?  He told me he was a Christian.  Great - I didn't ask and no thank you.  Is that mean?  I believe in God - but I also believe in keeping that shit to yourself.  Also anyway he's fucking creepy and he makes my shoulder blade feel funny and that IS NEVER A GOOD THING.  My rage has really subsided right?  Okay - I'm going to write with my friend tonight and that should be good.  I don't know - I just got a little sad.  One more shift at the comedy club only.  Maybe I would like to take another writing class - doesn't that sound wonderful?  Christ - will I never find love again?  Haha - who cares?  You know I heard someone say last night you only get 3 loves.  Is this a true thing?  I've had one true love and at least a dozen partial ones and perhaps one other trueish one.  So those dozen and that last one equal 1 more.  Maybe I just get one more after that and it's actually my acting and comedy.  Ugh - the cigarette smoke today - UGH - so gross.  I want to move to California where the air is fresh.  Is the air fresh there?  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Hi it's Tuesday.

Oh my God I just remembered I forgot my wedding anniversary.  Wow - that's amazing - really fucking fantastic actually.  Okay - so I'm really uncomfortable.  I worked all weekend - long brunch shifts - plus a double Saturday.  I went to a show for Larni last night and bought a book that another comedian wrote.  I think after I write on her I need to write in my journal.  My scene partner for class just came to see me here and rehearse her - that was so nice.  It's been warm the last few days but today it's cold again.  So I don't know - I have really one more shift at the comedy club and I don't want to do it but I will I guess.  I'm so over it - it was so awful Saturday night.  I could definitely use the money of one more shift.  Anyway.  Um - I'm just uncomfortable physically and emotionally.  I think I might have to work on Christmas.  My mother is going to freak out - maybe.  I went to the show last night with some of the other people from my new job and this one kid - he's a kid - he's such a gentleman - okay - whatever - I'm lonely - that's my point - haha.  Oh boy - last week it was my acting teacher - who today at this moment - I think he's such a turd.  I think he's a great acting teacher but he's turd.  I just haven't met the guy yet - that's it.  IT'S THAT MICHAEL BUBLE SONG HELLO.  I keep not doing yoga before bed or really any of my nighttime routine.  I'm so fucking exhausted.  It take s a total of like 20 to 30 minutes.  It's so good for me.  I want to dance.  Do I?  Wouldn't I be doing it if I wanted to be?  I want to dance I just don't want to see myself in the mirror.  What am I??  A fucking pussy???  Am I?  AM I???????  Fuck.  Ugh - frustration.  Well anyway - I think I'm embarrassed about how I might have been acting towards that guy from work.  Really I'm just afraid someone could tell I have feelings for him or could see I'm attracted to him but SO FUCKING WHAT?  He's hot and NICE - there was this black girl there who was like "You get a little older and I'm gonna tear that shit up - alright?"  I just think I smell bad.  Haha - and she kept farting or SOMEONE did - for once it wasn't me - Jesus.  I keep using this shampoo and the white spots aren't going away from my skin.  I'm all over the place.  Larni also said I need to trim the fat from my jokes and he's so RIGHT - I just don't know if I can.  I don't know what I can do.  Well - okay - bye.  Love Youbie.

Ugh - uncomfortable.

So the guy who sent me the texts sent me another text saying "The dream was real....."  Which I ignored and which so solidified my creepedoutness.  Then he sent me another one where he SPELLED MY NAME WRONG and then asked me if he was bothering me, did I see his texts and let him know - am I just not answering him.  Okaaaay - so my friend said to ignore him but it didn't feel quite right and then I called my new sponsor and she said "But if you ignore him, you owe him an ammends because he would be someone who if you see him you would cross the street to avoid him."  Right?  She said I could just say I want to be friends and that's it.  You know - so I did that.  I wrote and said I just want to be friends.  Done.  Which is not what I wanted to say - hello.  What I wanted to say was "You didn't ask me a question so why would I need to ANSWER you - you just sent me CREEPY FUCKING TEXTS about your dream and that was it.  HOW ABOUT HI HOW ARE YOU??  Fuck off weirdo."  I was so upset I went to therapy and told my therapist about it and said I felt confused and she said "You don't sound confused - you sound VERY clear."  Haha.  Jesus.  What in the world did Larni say to this guy?  Anyway so I'm done dating for awhile - that's it.  And WOW - no more friends setting me up - FUCK - first a guy with cancer and now some fucking weirdo who - I don't even know what he was liking about me - he was just talked about himself and then had some dream about me and then what?  Expected me to be like "Oh you had a creepy dream about me????  THAT'S SO SWEEEET!!!!  Thank you for telling me!!  I'm not uncomfortable at all - in fact all I can think about is blowing you right now!!"  Oh my God - this isn't very nice of me.  Um - awesome.  I'm home.  I have to be at work at 8:00 a.m. for brunch.  My class got cancelled tonight which is actually perfect.  I cooked a bunch today and cleaned, went for a really long walk in the park - that was so nice.  Okay - so I love you - my sweet Blueberry blog!

Responsibility.

Hi.  I don't want to be responsible.  I want someone else to do it for me.  Thanks - you're hired.  Ugh - seriously - this is the thing though - it's not working anymore - did it ever work?  No one can be responsible for me.  So I have a show tonight and while I was working on it yesterday I almost fell asleep.  Then I went to my friends house and we wrote and performed for each other and it made me mad.  Haha - then I worked on my play for class on the way home and DID fall asleep.  Then today - I haven't done any work on the show yet and I'm just tired and I don't want to but it feels wrong.  Not to work on it.  What am I talking about?  I'm so tired - that's all.  It's really cold and it's making the air more smokey everywhere in this city but really I just have PMS.  Okay - I have the day off tomorrow - I just have class.  Good and fine.  Um - so I don't really know what my point was except that I want to be more responsible - not just for my bills and shit but for my own art and my own feelings.  AWESOME - WELCOME TO GROWN-UP LAND.  What?  On another note that guy I went on the date with sent me 2 reaaaally long messages - texts - describing the dream he had about me where I was a post apocalyptic angle selling magic towels and I gave him one for free.  Something like that - so UM I'M SO CREEPED OUT and I am not going out with him again.  I don't know doesn't that seem like too much?  Or maybe it's not - I just got really uncomfortable and I don't understand and I really - I can't.  Maybe I just have PMS but a magic towel just grossed me out.  Haha - I am laughing - is nothing ever just normal and nice?  Haha - NO.  Anyway - so I'm going to go get some chocolate or work on my act or BOTH.  Oh BOY - I love your Blueberry font face.  Bye.

So sleepy.

There have literally only been 2 customers all day today - wait - 1?  Has it only been one?  And a creepy guy looking to clean the awning.  Anyway - soooo boring.  Soooo warm and boring.  I ate the hugest bacon, blue cheese, avocado burger - holy fucknuts it was amazing.  I can't imagine that is helping my sleepiness at all.  Anyway.  I got some things done, paid some bills.  I had class last night and it was challenging.  My scene partner didn't like what my acting teacher was saying to her and I could see that he was just giving her notes and was excited about her work and just wanted to give her direction - you know?  She got really mad that he had so many notes and then just sort of stormed off the stage and he had no notes for me.  The good part was I could see myself in her - she got emotional and it fucked everything up.  The way HE handled it was amazing.  How is he so gorgeous and nice seriously?  I mean come on - he had on a turtleneck and I still thought he was gorgeous.  GORGEOUS but NICE.  What the fuck.  With a turtleneck on.  I was like oh my God he's an acting teacher and he has on a turtleneck.  Haha.  All the women in class are so pretty and the men are so creepy.  Haha - although sometimes there are gorgeous guys.  Anyway - so I was also able to tell her that it was frustrating to me that she threw a fit - I mean she made it all about her x 10 - BUT she heard me and said sorry.  How cool is that?  She's really wonderful - and I'm proud of myself for saying something.  So anyway I guess I should work on that play right now.  It's so intense and tedious - so much subtext.  Okay - I'm writing tonight with my friend who works here - comedy - that should be fun.  I would rather lay down but I do also want to do that.  I'm sooooo sleeeepppyyyy.  OKAY I LOVE YOU BYE.

HI.

Hiiiiiiiii - omg - I missed you.  When did I write last?  I don't know - before that insane typhoon in the Philippines.  So awful.  New Yorkers are so self absorbed - no one is even talking about it.  It was only a year ago that Hurricane Sandy happened!  Aw - my dog was still alive.  Poor thing.  I have been going to this one comedy club to perform and I used to be a waitress there and I used to bring the dog with me sometimes and a busser who works there still asked me how she was the other night.  He was really sad to hear she died.  Isn't that so sweet?  I had the most exhausting weekend.  I worked Saturday brunch, Saturday night at the comedy club, Sunday brunch and then I went to rehearsal Sunday night (first a meeting) and then I went and did an 11:55 p.m. comedy spot.  What??  Omg - I almost fell asleep onstage.  I was fairly awful - I mean I was so tired, unprepared and all over the place but I was still funny.  I could have been so much better.  But my point is that it  was SO MUCH FUN.  I left so totally happy I did it.  Unreal.  Amazing is a better word.  Then I got up yesterday and got myself to work again - had a rehearsal last night and went home and ate a bunch of food.  On Friday I went into the park, cleaned did laundry and grocery shopped, went to a meeting and went to class.  So needless to say I am tired today and grumpy but I'm starting to feel better.  I got a decent night's sleep and it's not busy in here so I guess that's good.  I feel like I'm in my office and there's clothes hanging all over the place and people can walk by and stare at me.  I don't know how much longer I can keep working both of those brunches in row - holy fuck - it's so hard.  Whatever.  I am going to focus today on my acting and my comedy.  I'm going to write with my friend tomorrow night and work on having my set down so I can get up at any point and be ON.  I also need to book more shows.  At this moment I need t work on my scene for class but I don't want to.  I'm tired.  I'M GOING TO DO IT THOUGH BECAUSE I LOVE IT.  I absolutely love it - no doubt in my mind.  Okaaaaaaay - whatever.  Have I also said I hate it a million times?  Probable who fucking cares.  I love it today and I'm going to push through my - annoyance of the tediousness of this current play.  LET'S GET IT DONE.  Thank you Bluebie my love.

Well - I finally did it.

I gave my notice at the comedy club.  I finally decide I deserve better and I do.  They still haven't paid us and I just can't anymore.  I think I will probably have to get a different job - or work at one of my other jobs more or FOCUS ON MY ART - oh my GOD - doesn't that sound amazing?  I was able to play a little bit of music at the boutique yesterday but it's not the same as having some real studio time.  Haha - studio time - I don't have a studio - but some time where people aren't going to walk in and yell at me "How much does that cost I don't have on my glasses??"  I gave my notice and then my friend ho works there was a total turd about it but then they decided to accept the two weeks notice.  I don't know if this is crazy or not but I just can't work there anymore.  They got a new awning but we don't get paychecks.  I'm not kidding - they bought a popcorn maker - no paychecks.  He sucks his thumbs when he sleeps my friend who was being a turd.  Right after I heard my other friend say what a jerk he was I had to stop  myself from blurting that out.  I was so pissed.  He told my friend "Just tell he tonight is her last night."  But then they changed their minds.  Ohhhhh boy - yeah he sucks his thumbs - we used to date and that was a HUGE deal breaker for me.  That and I was still drinking and using then AND I was a mess - it wasn't too long after my husband and I broke up.  So.  I have had a beautiful dating history.  I wanted to leave the comedy club nicely but I don't see that happening - but also - well - whatever.  I did the right thing - I got another job, got caught up on my rent and then gave my notice.  I can't keep working 3 jobs anyway - especially not one that doesn't pay me.  I need some acting jobs!!!!!  I was hoping I would feel better after writing this.  I have the day off - I'm going to take care of myself and hopefully after I walk, do laundry and clean - I will feel better.  Love you Bluebie.

Whelp.....

Well the good news is that Blue Jasmine is a wonderful movie.  The bad news is that I was really sad after the date.  He was nice - a total gentleman - but he talked about himself SOOoooooooOOOOooooo much - he even talked during the movie.  Then after I got home he sent a text saying sorry for talking about himself so much and then EXPLAINING WHY.  Omg - haha.  Then I read my horoscope for November and it said the one bad day for romance is November 6th.  HA - I wonder what my old sponsor would say about that????  Sigh.  I said I would go out with him again because I don't really know how much I could know after one date but - I'm pretty sure it's not going to work out.  It wasn't sexy at all - not even a little bit.  I didn't feel seen or heard.  But I showed up and I was kind and a good listener.  Which is good because he talked A LOT.  Well I don't want to write about this anymore and it's rainy out today so that's making me a little sadish I guess.  I love you my sweet Bluebie.  Byeeeee!!!

Larni fixed me up on a date tonight......

Oh boy - yes - yes I am going on a date tonight with someone who Larni fixed me up with.  He is a nice guy - I've known him for years so it's cool.  Have I written about this already?  I don't know - anyway - he's nice and when he called me he made me laugh so why not right?  We are going to the movies tonight.  I'm excited to go to the movies - I haven't been in a long time.  I got a decent night's sleep - took care of myself last night - did my yoga before bed - my whole nighttime routine and got 8 hours of sleep - so that's wonderful.  I forgot to call my God baby for his birthday and then when I remembered I called in a panic but my sister didn't even notice I didn't call - thank God.  I had sent my acting teacher a message saying how wonderful I thought that super intense OVERLLY (Can you imagine I'M saying that??) memorial was - and he never wrote me back.  So now I hate my acting teacher again.  He doesn't love me and now I do think he is a turd.  Okay and moving on.  I don't know about this guy - he's not gorgeous or anything - um - he's cute - he's funny but well I saw him once at a meeting and he was kind of a turd himself.  So what?  I'm always a turd.  Well - holy fuck I keep sneezing.  Anyway - yeah - well - I prayed and meditated this morning and I will just do what my sponsor said to do last night which is be of service today.  I'm also going to rewrite my sane and sound sex ideals.  I have no idea what I'm doing and let's face it - I have the worst taste in men and I can't pick one out for myself or in any way be in control of this so why don't I just turn it over to God - right?  I mailed my November rent thank God and now if I can just get a great - a GREAT AMAZING acting job then I could get health insurance and take care of myself.  I just need to be at the comedy club until December.  I'm almost caught up with things - I paid of my taxes finally and now I just owe my sister money.  So stressful but not as stressful as when I was getting evicted.  Being homeless is way more stressful than just being able to buy a purse.  Or shoes or whatever.  This is the know I don't want to untangle.  The knot of being responsible about money and also making enough of it.  Also feeling like I am deserving of love and knowing I'm not in control of where it's going to come from.  What?  Whaaaat???  Am I full of shit?  Am I bullshitting right now?  No - I don't know.  Okay - well I have to pee bye.

Untying the knots, service and serenity. SUCK IT

I couldn't just leave it the title as was.  SUCK IT relives some of the poofiness.  Anyway so "The Love Of My Acting Teacher Saga" continues.  It would be so much easier if he was just a turd but he's not - he's wonderful.  I went to a memorial last night that he helped put together and HIS teacher said how wonderful he is and how much of service he is and THEN I JUST LOVED HIM MORE.  Which I guess is fine - I can love him, admire his gift of service (and he's not an alcoholic - how do people who aren't alcoholics know to be of service?????), and be grateful for the amazing job he is doing teaching me.  What?  It's so fucking hot in the store right now and I just ate a bacon, blue cheese avocado burger with fries for breakfast.  Anyway yeah - he's just so gorgeous but more than that he's just - great.  Gross, barf and whatever.  Okay so untying the knots - so it occurred to me this morning that I have discovered a new know inside myself with realizing what an underearner I am right?  WHY AM I WRITING THIS???  Anyway but I thought to myself "If I didn't realize this knot and then do something to untangle it - I would need relief from it."  Yeah.  Huh - so.  Oh dear Lord I am too full to do this right now.  I need to take a walk and go to the bank.  Can't I want to be with someone who is gorgeous, loving, kind and of service and think I am deserving of someone like that?  I don't think I'm meant to be with him but can't I love him and admire him and want a great man like that?  Guy?  I really need to go outside and turn down the heat.  HAHA - GET IT???  Bye Bluebie love.

The tell tale sobriety.

Whoa - I have been having trouble staying - sober in sobriety - I mean -  you know (or don't know) - staying on the line.  Okay - I just have been missing meetings and my meetings have changed and - UGH - I feel guilty for behavior I was involved in while dating whatever the fuck his name was last winter.  Then I started having some "issues" with my sponsee - by issues I mean we got in one sort of argument and then I thought it was over.  So - 2 issues at play here - based on my last statement - I just always think things are ending when there is the slightest bit of friction in a relationship.  Ugh.  Then - based on the first thing I was talking about - I feel super fucking guilty when I am behaving even a little bit badly and that just is too much.  Too much but also - hello - I need to take care of myself better sobriety wise.  I did today.  I went to work for 9 hours - why?  Why so many hours you ask my sweet blog?  Well I was an hour early because I didn't know it was daylight savings time.  Hoorah and scene.  But then I bought a cute hat because I was cold and went to a big meeting and stayed for the whole thing and I felt sooooooooo much better.  I also talked to my sponsee and came home.  Now I'm gong to bed - I'm so tired.  I'm so totally exhausted and I just got all ready for bed and did a little yoga and now I'm going to get a good night's sleep.  I hope.  Oh lord - good night sweet Bluebie Blueb.

Good day.

I was going to title this something else - you know something painful but I forgot and actually I had a good day so why not talk about it?  I got up early and went to the eye doctor and it turns out the reason why my eyes weren't working was because my glasses were only for distance and I NEED READING GLASSES.  Omg - what the fuck??  The doctor last time didn't tell me that she gave me a different prescription and - HA - when they made my new glasses they didn't ask me or tell me that the glasses were only for distance.  Why did it take me so long to figure out something was wrong anyway????  Denial - confusion and my father has macular degeneration so I just thought that was happening to ME and I didn't want to deal with it.  Holy fuck - are you kidding me?  Well the guy was very nice - he explained everything to me - told me what to do and exactly what was happening with my eyes and he also didn't charge me and fixed my glasses to the right prescription.  I just was so grateful and also - confused.  It has occurred to me that I could have just walked in there and said "You know - these glasses aren't working right - I think the prescription is wrong" but that just seemed so confusing.  Anyway it's all figured out and he told me to eat leafy greens and it will help my eyes.  Great - good start to the day.  Then I went to a glorious meditation meeting in a very pretty room.  Then I worked for a little while at the store and worked on the web series I've been filming also.  Then I went to therapy and THEN I came home!!  Now I'm burning incense and I have the windows open and I have on my old reading glasses and I CAN SEE.  Jeez.  Jeez fucking Loueez.  Well - I guess a lot of other things happened on this lovely day - a fun trip to the post office (not being sarcastic), a lovely walk through the Upper East Side and the West Village - pretty Fall days this year.  I ate a yummy turkey burger and uh - I don't know - was grateful I'm sober.  I'm so tired.  I'm going to sleep early tonight.  Ugh - I just got sad.  It's okay - no big deal - just a little sadness - why?  I don't know.  I miss that guy I liked last night.  Okay bye Bluebie - I love your blogness.