The Unbearable Lightness of Being Kind

Well here I am again - unable to figure out how to be authentically kind, from a kind place inside myself for longer than 15-20 seconds.  I just start remembering "this" or "that" and think so myself "oh now you want me to be kind?  Oh so NOW I am supposed to show up for you when you couldn't even be blah blah blah."  Ew.  Ew so much.  Even writing that was uncomfortable and made me queasy.  I am at some sort of turning point because the resentments and anger are not working but it feels so unbearably impossible to be kind.  It's like I am holding onto for dear life, to my kindness!   It doesn't hurt me to be kind.  I don't have to do more than that.  I can just be kind.  I don't have to give more than I have to give.  Agh - what?

I'm getting lost.  I need to work on something and I think I am just getting distracted.  That's all.  I can be kind.  I can be kind first to myself and take care of myself and then give what kindness I have to give without hurting myself.  I believe it might be that simple.  It's a beautiful day today - just gorgeous.  I have taken really good care of myself.  And as I sit here on the couch I am grateful that I am not hung-over.  I'm not even hung-over emotionally and that is a beautiful thing.  I'm very anxious about this thing I need to work on and I am not quite sure how I am going to pull it off.  I will do my best - I can do my best.  I can put my heart into doing my best.  I will take care of myself and show up and do what I can.  I mean I can do what I can by doing my best - whatever that ends up being.  Lord I love a challenge!  I really, really love a challenge.  Okay let's get to this.  Wish me luck sweet blog - xoxoxo!

Friends With My Anger

My therapist told me to love my anger - to become friends with it. She said "Can't you just love your anger! Just looove it!"  Speaking of anger what the fuck is up with this new format??  It sucks my fucking balls.  Okay here we go - let's do this.  In honor of this wonderful woman who has worked with me for almost 20 years straight!  FUCK THIS STUPID FORMAT.  I am feeling a LOT of anger - my very, good close friend anger is here - she's such a cunt!  But I love her for it.  She doesn't give a flying fuuuuuuuck and she is here to say this new format and having to type sloooowly sucks the hugest hog of a cock and it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. I can't even do this - it's not working!  OMG Fuck this - I will hmmmmm - okay so it looks like this is the only option.  But now it seems to be working better.  How absolutely bizarre.  Okay so.  I don't know - I guess it all goes along with not being a victim - you know?  God - I lost all my oomph by getting angry and trying to figure out how to revert back to the old interface.  Well anyway - I will write more tomorrow - love you.

PS!  Omg - I guess I still have the other one - I somehow saved it.  I kept changing it back to this one so I think I get to keep it!  THIS HAS BEEN A VERY DRAMATIC BLOG POST FOR ME.  Okay so anyway bye.

Gratitude List

1. Food
2. Water
3. A place to sleep
4. An office to write in
5. My guy
6. My other guy
7. Just kidding!
8. That I don't have "other guys" anymore
9. Sunshine
10. Exercise
11. Cooking
12. Cookbooks
13. The www
14. Taking care of myself
15. All the tools I have now
16. Support
17. Books!
18. More food
19. Being my own parent
20. Being so much nicer to myself.

Bye! :)

Pooping Boots

I just sat down to write and then looked at boots for 15 minutes.  I found some beaaauuutiful boots!  Omg!  I want those boots!  I also want to poop.  Do you poop a lot?  I think I was poop shamed at some point because I literally hold on for dear life, to my poop. I mean as with so many things I didn't "know" I was but I am realizing it now.  I went and got body work done yesterday and she was like "if you need to go just go" because we were focusing on that issue.  Then I felt major movement and I was MORITIFIED.  Then I was like "oh hell no - I am not pooping in this tiny apartment!  No fucking way!"  And so I realized - I have poop shame.

Can you imagine a poor little baby ashamed of pooping?  It's just natural!  Who cares!  A sweet little dog?  I mean it's worse when they are big and it's BIG poop to pick up but who cares?

WHO THE FUCK POOP SHAMED ME???

I am ENRAGED about this. I am just a body, a human body that needs to eat, pee, poop, sleep and rest.  Also drink water.  And fuck - if I want to.  And whatever else I need to do.  WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK??  My sponsor said to me the other day that - wait did I say this already?  Let me look....no I didn't - she said I have an issue with the space I take up.  She said it very kindly!  And I know she's right.  I just have an issue EXISTING.  But also I want TO BE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

Okay so those are my 2 issues - the 2 programs....I'm sorry I exist and I EXIST AND I WANT TO BE THE BEST AND GET THE MOST.  Also I love your shirt.  What? 

I'm guessing if I pooped something magical like handmade boots I wouldn't feel so ashamed.  Is that what happens for some people?  They can poop anywhere because they are like "Oh I am about to create something SO wonderful!  Here we go!" 

Well this must have helped me somehow because I sneezed a bunch of times and then I pooped.  Also she helped me!  God we humans need so much help.  Or at least I do.

Okay bye bye.

Detaching With Love?

Did you know that that was a thing?  Detaching with love?  I am a little tongue tied (finger tied?) over this right now....I mean I am practicing it.  I am taking care of myself and lovingly detaching from things.  But it's so hard to do!  My instincts want to detach with a "fuck you!"  Ugh.  Anyway turning stuff over to my higher power helps.  Meaning first turning things over then detaching with love.  I literally am not sure who I am anymore.  I have heard people talk about this shit for years but I had no idea - REALLY - what they were talking about and I certainly couldn't do it.  I am guessing I didn't even want to do it.  I love saying "fuck you!"  It's fun!  Only I was doing it on the inside and it was hurting me and I can't afford that anymore.  Um - also?  It's boring.  It's boring to just be enraged and clench my teeth.  Over it!

I am exhausted.  It has been a rough week.  I haven't slept very well.  I have had to talk myself into sleeping.  Saying "Let yourself rest, heal - just rest heal" over and over again.  Then I wake up and have to do it all over again.  It's okay I am practicing - just practicing, practicing practicing.  Ugh. 

Who knew it was so fucking hard to be kind!?  To myself first!?  Wait I just realized - if I am kind to myself first is it easier to be kind to others??

I sound like an idiot.  Oh well!  I'm fine with it.  How else do we figure this stuff out?  Do you know how many shitty plies I did before I did one that was right?  A LOT.  And now that I think about it "right" is a very bold word for me to use.  Wait - fuck that - I did a pretty fucking good plie. 

Okay bye.