Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I'm being a victim.

That's all - I'm being a victim of the life I am wanting to live.  I'm so lucky I'm sober - I have a beautiful man in my life and I know wonderful people.  I also believe that I'm sad that this show and my idea around how to get people to it - was manipulative and - I don't know - similar to how I used to live in the past but also - I need to ask some questions.  I know Im not being clear.  I need to live and create differently now that's all.  It's okay.  I prayed & meditated and my thoughts shifted.  It's okay - it's all just a challenge and I just need to take this opportunity to ask questions, have my power and be clear.  It's all good.  And even better I don't have to work with that crazy chick today haha so awesome.  Okay so let's make the best of this day and grab life loosely (but don't let goooooo) the horns and breathe.  Bye! 

Weirdest dream.

I dreamed I was a wife and a husband - it kept switching - then the husband shot the wife but then the wife shot the husband.  Hid the gun - then it as like some horror movie where the wife/husband came to life only in the middle of the night.  Then I kept hiding the gun but trying to find it and escape from the house.  The house was scary and had snakes I think?  Or some evil part to it.  Next thing I know there's a little tiny Indian boy inside a giant wok on the stove and he's cleaning it with a big white puffy sponge.  He's rolling it around and talking about how this is the only way to get pots clean - is to get little!  Then the brother was in a different pot and cleaning that one but not enjoying it that much.  Then they say they have to take the stuff to make them bigger so they can clean the rest of the house.  OKAY.  Then Im trying to escape the house by going upstairs (what) then one of the boys (or someone) says um - there's a problem - there's a thing.  I look up and there's this giant tree/snake/dinosaur thing growing through the middle of the house (that's now a mansion) huge and it's sort of breathing.  Then my alarm went off and now I think I have a brain tumor.  UGH.  I have to go to work.  One thing that is better about this job is that I have to be there an hour later.  That's the only thing better.  Oh man my attitude stinks.  Why am I so sad all of a sudden?  I don't even know.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Dont know if this is going to work.

I mean what am I doing?  Im middle fucking aged for fuck's sake.  Im running all over town doing shows that no one sees me at.  Or no - that's not even it.  I don't even have time to write.  I mean I go and do these shows and then I have no real material - or that's how it feels.  Maybe Im just not funny and I really cant do this job.  That never actually occurred ot me before to actually question whether or not I can do this job.  I mean I really don't know.  Im fucking exhausted and I have no money.  I mean Im so broke.  Oh good lord I don't know.  This is just totally crazy.  What would I do if I could do anything in the world?  I would dance, sing and act.  I would do comedy too but I would do it differently.  I mean god LORD.  I have to go to bed - Im so tired.  Im grateful but Im tired.  What?  Im not grateful Im angry.  BLECH.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Overwhelmed.

Well the new job and that crazy chick I work with are a lot.  I dropped my cell phone in the toilet at therapy on Saturday.  My therapist said she's a contagion - that she catages me with her negative energy.  I don't want to be a victim of this woman so I am practicing walking away - looking her in the eye and saying "Okay."  That doesn't make any sense.  She's just all over the place an dI haven't figured out how to create internal boundaries around her.  She can be likeable sometimes but she's also a toucher and a grabber.  Honestly it's INSANE.  She slapped me on the arm the other day and it HURT.  Haha - what the fuck?  Where are my God Damned BALLS for fuck sake.  Just hello please stop doing that already.  I will get there - good fucking LORD I will get there.  Im so stressed out.  I don't have enough money and my credit card is running out.  Someone called me last week and tried to get me to give him $6500.  HA.  He called and left a message saying "This is serious there is a complaint against you - you need to call me."  So I did and then he scared THE SHIT out of me until I realized he was making no sense.  I even called the credit card company he was talking about and THEY said to ignore him - he's scamming you.  But omg - I really fell for it.  I was so scared.  I did such shadey shit when I was drinking that I actually thought maybe I did something and forgot about it.  Um - $6500????  Who the fuck forgets about that much money?  I seem crazy right?  It's my day off - I worked yesterday and I hosted a show last night - it was a good day but long.  So now I have  prayed/meditated, jogwalked in the park and cooked myself lunch.  Now Im going to dye my hair and go to my acting class.  Oh a meeting.  Im going to try to make it to a meeting although it's looking less and less likely that Im going to get to that.  Just calm down right?  Just breathe - one thing at a time.  Oaky love you Bleubie bye.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Totally overwhelmed.

Im supposed to be in the shower.  I am just so completely overwhelmed.  I have a big show next week that we are producing and it is zero percent ready.  Holy shit then going to a wedding the next day - don't have a dress.  I cant get to my regular meetings on time because the new job gets out an hour later and - UGH - WHY AM I WRITNG THIS??  I need ot be in the shower and I'm fucking tired.  I just can't juggle it al right now or whatever.  Also I keep thinking I shouldn't have left that job yet.  It's so crazy - there was never a good time to leave there and this was as good a time as any.  The best time.  It's done anyway.  Im so terrified about money - this job is even less money and I wasn't even making enough at the old job.  Am I ever going to be able to make any money?  I mean what is my fucking problem?  Im exhausted and it's 9:45 am.  UGH.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Day 2211.

Hi.  I just came back from my acting class and made myself a veggie burger.  No bun.  Who am I?  I have only the one job now which is super disorienting and now I am changing my diet which is 100% disorienting.  Lord I am trying to lose weight and I've adjusted my food - I lost about 5 pounds.  That's it.  SO FRUSTRATING.  But reading that book Eat Pretty I realized (and since I'm really trying to make a lifestyle change barf) I was eating cheeseburgers, muffins and potato chips on a regular basis.  I mean - those were my food sources.  I would say I was 20% healthy eating and 80% not.  Maybe 50/50.  Okay I will give myself 50/50.  What the fuck is that?  Haha delicious that's what.  I haven't had a bacon cheddar burger in at least a month if not longer.  Seriously that really is a fucking miracle.  Anyway whatever - I can't afford to eat in the new neighborhood I work in now.  I got a small ice coffee and a brownie one day and it was 8 fucking dollars.  Ha!  Okay so Soho is even MORE expensive than the upper east side whoa.  Whatever.  Anyway Im still not ironed out enough in my schedule that I have started to work on my writing more.  What am I talking about?  I mean why am I writing this right now?  I guess because I WANT to.  Okay so it's okay - everything is okay.  I made it through all the extra days of working and I will figure out this next new phase of living also.  It will be weird to not live in this apartment anymore.  I mean Im not moving right now Im just saying.  Fuck Im so tired.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Poem.

Love my guy
Job is ending
New job - decision pending
Have my class
Have my love
Prayed & meditated
Sought from above
Inside outside
Old ladies new
Lord help
help me stay true.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Exhausted.

I had class tonight - worked at the new job the last 2 days and saw the guy.  I got feedback from "The big show" that said to be more real and honest.  HA.  See?  You kick ass and then someone says to be more real.  Lord.  I can not believe it's my last week of this job.  I'm totally ready.  Really?  Well Im ready to be ready how about that?  ALso Im ready to have more time ot do comedy and other shit I love - like CLASS.  Ugh.  I was so tired tonight I just watched in class - then I left - forgot my cell phone - came back looked EVERYWHERE for it - someone called it - twice and I was crawling under a couch looking for it - if someone kicked it under there and another student came up and said "Are you still acitng?  CLass is over."  HAha.  What?  I changed my clothes at the new job (they gave me some clothes - we have to wear the clothes there and they gave me some pieces) and I left my whole entire own outfit plus sweatshirt - there.  Just there - the whole outfit - forgot it.  Lord have mercy.  I am TIRED I tell you.  Anyway.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Hi.

So the big show was great and now Im ready to do - a million more.  Im home and getting ready to go to bed - I have to get up at 5:30 to do some extra work - Im sorry background.  So strange that this is happening when the store is closing.  No one would ever work for me before and now they are all scrambling for the money and covering!  So its fabulous.  Im fucking exhausted.  I worked so hard at my comedy all day today - haha at the store.  It was so slow!  It's been 90 degrees!  I mean who wants to shop for a Fall outfit in that weather?  I think Im sad.  Im sad the store is closing and that Im leaving.  Who am I going to blame all my problems on?  Im going to just have to stand on my own two feet.  Who wants to do that?  Ha.  So weird.  Sometimes life changes big and it's weird.  This is one of those times.  I still cant believe how gracefully this is finally ending.  Im just able to go.  I have to tell you - I want a bonus and a send off package so bad.  I staffed that store for the rest of this month and October.  With my friends!  I really want a bonus!  Okay so that's not going to happen.  Oh see - there we go - that's how I can be miserable about this haha.  Jesus - Im such an alcoholic - I cant even just be grateful that Im moving on in a healthy way.  But I am - I am grateful.  I also have pms and honestly theres only so much I can do.  As far as a good attitude is concerned.  I have to go to sleep!  Loooove you Bluebie byeee.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Well......

so - wow - I REALLY wanted to sit down and write and now I have no idea what I was so passionate about.  I had a great weekend with the guy and I worked at the new job one day also.  I have a show tomorrow night Im terrified about and I should really be working on the that and instead I went to the store and took out the garbage.  It's fucking so hot - Im ready for some Fall action.  This is my second to last week at the store - I can't even believe it.  So crazy.  Im so in love with this guy and it's starting to drive me nuts not living together - although he just brought me home and Im totally fine here.  Ah - of course - it's my apartment.  What?  Oh my God - Im so tired - I need to go to bed - it's going to be a long day tomorrow!  I need a good night's sleep.  I hosted a show Friday night that was SO fun - omg - so fun.  I just love it so much.  I cant even believe Ive been performing again - isn't that so amazing?  I wish I could stop regretting the past now. Haha - yeah that would be great - if I could amaze myself and be in awe of no longer regretting my past.  AH - it's such a waste of time!  Love you Bluebie bye!

Friday, September 4, 2015

Good morning!

It's the day after my anniversary.  6 years.  Haha almost everyone forgot.  Not everyone but really most people but also - really - who cares?  I get to be sober and functioning in life.  And why should people remember to celebrate the day where I finally gave up a horrible life?  What?  Obviously it hurts my feelings oh well.  Not one of my sponsees remembered and I had to call my parents and remind them.  My father was like "Oh that's nice - I thought it was tomorrow - your sister put it on the calendar on the wrong day."  Haha sort of.  Anyway - I got a good night sleep last night and took care of myself before bed.  Now Im awake, prayed & meditated and I have hair dye in my hair.  I have a show tonight, work today and therapy begins again yaaaaaay.  That's not a sarcastic yay either.  I had such an epiphany this morning while I was meditating.  I have been troubled with such negative thoughts about people from now and the past - people I feel like I have "helped" and whatever - have given time to and I haven't gotten anything back.  The epiphany consists of 2 parts - Im mad because I was "giving" with expectations - which stinks. Then also - I say yes to times that don't work for me and put other people's needs above my own because otherwise I think it wont work out.  And whie I was thinking about how mad I am it occurred to me that my time is valuable and I matter and I'm not taking care of myself in these relationships or I wouldn't be so fucking mad.  DUH.  Wow.  It's always like dating - if I have to try that hard to make it work - if I have to hurt myself to make it work - Im going to be angry - SO ANGRY and it doenst matter anyway - he's not that into me ANYWAY.  Im more valuable than that.  So much more.  I deserve better.  The thing is also that Im not even sure if these people are asking me to twist myself into a pretzel but ugh Im getting confused.  I just need to take care of myself in relationships or Im going in the wrong direction - that's it.  THATS IT!  Fuck I can feel my brain trying to re-wire as I type this and it's like "nooooooo you must control and manipulate and and and ahhhhhhhhh!!!!"  Gross.  It's only 8:50 and Im exhausted haha. Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Omg I am so fucking tired.

Shows, costume fittings, working both jobs (till this one ends), spending time with the guy and trying to fix everything here for me leaving.  What the fuck I am so tired.  so tired and SO GRATEFUL.  I fucked up today time-wise but well - it's okay!  Everyone makes mistakes and I certainly learned from it - BIG time.  Am I making any sense?  Im not going to be able to write on my blog at the other job!  I wont even be able to be on the computer!!  Holy shit it's like a real job.  Well I am going to enjoy being able to sit down and be online while I am here haha.  Ah it's so wonderful - life is shifting - I feel so very grateful and so grateful that it's happening in a kind way.  Im just trying so hard to be nice to myself.  Im really trying to kindly shift myself away from the negative thinking once it starts.  I mean I can't help it starting (supposedly)  BUT I can help it from continuing and I can be nice to myself about the whole thing.  So how's that for some mother-fucking recovery??  Im crying a little bit but I think it's fake crying because my nose is tickling itself - that's when I always know Im crying fake tears.  Oh good LORD - okay well I somehow managed to get to work on time today, go to a costume fitting and get back here - so now I just need to sell some stuff and organize my whole life.  Haha.  Right.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!!!  Bye.