Good morning!

It's the day after my anniversary.  6 years.  Haha almost everyone forgot.  Not everyone but really most people but also - really - who cares?  I get to be sober and functioning in life.  And why should people remember to celebrate the day where I finally gave up a horrible life?  What?  Obviously it hurts my feelings oh well.  Not one of my sponsees remembered and I had to call my parents and remind them.  My father was like "Oh that's nice - I thought it was tomorrow - your sister put it on the calendar on the wrong day."  Haha sort of.  Anyway - I got a good night sleep last night and took care of myself before bed.  Now Im awake, prayed & meditated and I have hair dye in my hair.  I have a show tonight, work today and therapy begins again yaaaaaay.  That's not a sarcastic yay either.  I had such an epiphany this morning while I was meditating.  I have been troubled with such negative thoughts about people from now and the past - people I feel like I have "helped" and whatever - have given time to and I haven't gotten anything back.  The epiphany consists of 2 parts - Im mad because I was "giving" with expectations - which stinks. Then also - I say yes to times that don't work for me and put other people's needs above my own because otherwise I think it wont work out.  And whie I was thinking about how mad I am it occurred to me that my time is valuable and I matter and I'm not taking care of myself in these relationships or I wouldn't be so fucking mad.  DUH.  Wow.  It's always like dating - if I have to try that hard to make it work - if I have to hurt myself to make it work - Im going to be angry - SO ANGRY and it doenst matter anyway - he's not that into me ANYWAY.  Im more valuable than that.  So much more.  I deserve better.  The thing is also that Im not even sure if these people are asking me to twist myself into a pretzel but ugh Im getting confused.  I just need to take care of myself in relationships or Im going in the wrong direction - that's it.  THATS IT!  Fuck I can feel my brain trying to re-wire as I type this and it's like "nooooooo you must control and manipulate and and and ahhhhhhhhh!!!!"  Gross.  It's only 8:50 and Im exhausted haha. Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.