Friday, January 31, 2014

Kindness, love, compassion.

Now when I start to have negative thoughts on the subway (which is always) I say in my head "kindness, love, compassion" over and over again - it helps.  Today I woke up after a good long day yesterday.  I went back to the comedy club I worked at and it was fine and I went to a meeting and hosted a show.  All of this after working for a day so it was a good day.  But I woke up - what - alcoholic I guess.  That snake doctor used to tell me the best thing I could do for myself was be kind to myself.  How nice is that?  So I am going to focus on that today and boy are my arms tired already.  That and what else?  Oh I know - sometimes I can feel the tectonic shift in perception that wants and needs to happen in my brain.  The shift from alcoholic thinking to healthy, loving thinking.  I can feel the pull that wants to happen.  So that's what I guess part of the meditation does.  Also - I can't keep thinking negative thoughts all the time and expect this to happen.  Hello who am I?  I don't know - I guess the most I can hope for is to at least stop the negative thinking once it starts - how about that?  Holy crap my coffee is so strong.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.  ps I'm home so I can hear the vibrator users upstairs and honestly the amount of sex these people have is beyond me.  Kindness, love, compassion.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Self-centered poem.

All I think about is me
I'm so bored of me
Why can't I stop thinking about me
Why can't I help other people
I'm so tired
There's hole in the floor of my dreams
I had a burger for breakfast
I shoved it in
I didn't want my back fat to be lonely
I gave it more to love
My fucking back fat can go fuck itself with the rest of the back fat I just gave it.
I just shoved a candy bar on top of that.
WHY THE FUCK NOT??

Alright - well - ugh.

I totally forgot to call my alanon sponsor this morning and I was also late tot he store.  The level of anxiety these things caused me was horrifying - and of course because I was running late the fucking train waited in each station for an eternity with the doors opening and closing over & over & over again.  It was like a scene out of a horror film for me - dear LORD.  I'm so confused because I went to that dance class, wrote with my friend and then went to a late night meeting to make sure to go to a meeting - but it seemed to throw everything off - I just got home too late.  Or is it that I did something so great for myself - taking this dance class makes me so happy even though I am bizarrely competitive in the class with these girls that can only be like 20 - it's so insane.  Am I having repercussions of taking care of myself by forgetting things and running late again?  I mean I know I'm human and this is all a work in progress but somehow it's a choice also - if I got out of bed at 7:30 - or even 8:00 or even got in the shower at 8:45 blah blah.  Ugh - anyway - Jesus - that sickening feeling of doing something wrong and then being stuck on a train is horrifying.  Oh and to add to it I had a SOBER dream - instead of a drunk dream I had a dream I was at this meeting and I kept going on and ON about my feelings and I could tell everyone was like SHUT UP already but I couldn't stop.  Then at the end of the meeting I shared again and went into MORE details about my feelings and it was FOREVER.  Plus my sisters were there and they were confused and seemingly embarrassed.  What a bizarre dream.  So I'm all verklemped and I just want to get mad at my alanon sponsor for changing our time to talk all the time for me forgetting - but what is that?  It's my responsibility.  ISNT BEING SOBER FUN????  Bye.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Hi.

It snowed again but it's sunny today so that's nice.  I made it to the store on time today and I was only 10 minutes late yesterday.  I have been getting in the shower earlier and timing myself wherever I go so I understand how long it takes to get places.  I just can't handle the anxiety of being late anymore.  I'm also sticking to my schedule of going to a meeting everyday.  Also - what?  I forgot what I was going to write.  Oh!  I'm going to go to a dance class again tonight!!  Oh BOY!  I tried something on in a store the other day and it looked like my entire leg was made of cellulite!!  HA - oh dear LORD - I was like - ooof - that's just a lot considering I have skinny legs - Jesus.  Okay - so who cares but it did make me realize my workout schedule is lacking so even though it's fucking freezing out I am going to this dance class.  What else?  I had my acting class last night - that was good - you know - that man talks A LOT.  So very much - about himself.  Okay anyway a customer is here she just scared me - people are so desperate when they shop - holy fuck.  I'm all off myself now - she's got a creepy looking long gray braided husband or something outside pacing back and forth waiting for her.  Ha - and - weird.  Oh I figured out how I can help the world more or at least the alcoholic one.  I'm going to help bridge the gap.  Help people go from rehab to their group homes.  Something like that.  Yeah.  I don't really know what I am talking about but I want to do it.  More on that later bye.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Day 1605.

Today is my 1605th day sober and it only matters because I am an alcoholic and I was drowning in booze and marijuana.  So I guess it's a good day right?  I mean - I'm not drinking and I am not planning what I am going to drink or - oh Lord - I just remembered my pot dealer - the guy in the van - I could never call him before 5 or 6 - hello - because HE HAD A JOB!  He told me that once - he got mad at me and said "I have a job - you can't call me before 5 - I'm a t work!!"  In a Jamaican accent.  Okay - well excuse fucking me.  So I am not waiting until 5 to call him.  What else?  Oh I used to go to the store and buy all this beer and when I saw my neighbors it was so embarrassing - being like "Oh hi - yeah I'm good - I just need to go drink by myself - no big deal."  So - alright - well.  What does this have to do with me helping the world?  I didn't take a shower today and I left work early - it was slow - I just - I can't work 6  days a week - right?  I mean - what?  Oh I am kind of a mess - not showering is a bad place for me to be in.  I mean - ha - okay - whatever - I am going to call another alcoholic right now and try to help them - that's what I am going to do.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Love.

I was being a turd today when I was waitressing brunch because waitressing brunch sucks and then this cute guy came in and smiled at me so I started to act like I wasn't a turd anymore.  Only I was still being a turd (I forgot he was there and came around the corner swearing about some douche bag) and at one point I was like "Wait a fucking minute - he's cute but I'm still annoyed - a lot of these people are annoying and if this fucking guy doesn't love me when I'm being a turd about people who are crying about eggs well then HE WON'T LOVE ME ANYWAY SO FUCK HIM!"  Right?  Wow - there's some freedom there right?  I'm so tired - I just made stew and it's starting to simmer and smell like stew - yum.  So - yeah - I went to my meeting tonight and I'm just going to keep going to meetings.  Is it  fucked up for me to go to that lesbian meeting even though I'm not a lesbian?  I don't know why - I've gone to tons of gay men's meetings - so who cares?  Um - what I need to go to sleep right now I love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Spinning my wheels.

I just feel like I am spinning my wheels - this seems so totally insane to me.  I mean so the open mike I was supposed to host tonight got cancelled and thank God class didn't get cancelled but - so I did no comedy this week.  Now tomorrow starts my 3 days of waitressing.  Dear fucking God - can I do it?  I just feel so crazy - this doesn't seem to be happening - no relationship - no momentum with acting and comedy and right now I honestly looked at my naked body and couldn't figure out why I don't look completely different after one dance class.  Um - do you know what I asked my dance teacher in that class after he showed us these sit-up moves we were supposed to do?  I asked if he had a modified version of that move.  Then he told me "THAT IS THE MODIFIED VERSION THIS IS THE BEGINNER CLASS."  Oh - well excuse me for being in my 40's old and fat.  I'm not even fat - I'm a little fat and a lot droopy.  Okay here's one good thing - I met my cousin and her baby for lunch and I bought lunch.  Amen to that - I could buy them lunch.  Now please let's not let a week go by without me talking about my never beginning relationship with my acting teacher WHO IS SO GORGEOUS AGAIN.  He just - I have no idea - is it because he was wearing plaid tonight?  I don't know - he's so fucking beautiful and goofy - I just wanted to sit on his lap all during the class - is that wrong?  Ugh - I left feeling so crazy though - I ugh - I have no idea.  I went to a meeting today - that was good - except for the lady eating 10 pieces of candy next to me, then sucking her teeth to clean them and spitting out on the floor what she sucked out of her teeth.  I found that disturbing but - well - when she shared she was so vulnerable.  She probably thought she was being subtle.  I mean I don't know how spitting on the ground indoors can be subtle - but I used to throw up on the floor - and just ignore it so who knows.  Ugh - I just feel like I am spinning my wheels that's all.  Not in my sobriety but in my life.  Maybe brunch will be so magical tomorrow - that could happen right?  Okay love you Bluebie bye - thank you for being such a good listener.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

BORING WARNING!

I am always late to that fucking boutique - almost every fucking time.  It stresses me out and I still fucking do it.  I woke up today to get ready in plenty of time and I wasn't tired still - my alarm went off and even though I was having icky dreams I was okay.  SO I SLEPT FOR 50 MORE MINUTES.  Why would I do that to myself?  That trip into work was torture and then having to explain to her why I was late on top of trying to get to leave to go to an audition?  Listen - this day might have been horrible anyway - but - it was a lot fucking worse because I was late.  And you know - I get to the other job a little late now.  I just read some articles about lateness and one of them is about the adrenaline rush of being late - being a drama junkie.  That doesn't sound like me at all.  It's a fucking responsibility thing too - I just don't want to fucking be uncomfortable ever and it's uncomfortable to get up on time and to get to places on time and to be a fucking grown-up.  I mean I know this is boring but seriously - what the fuck am I doing?  This isn't okay - I don't want to be that person.  At the comedy club there was this manager who was always so late it was insane - she wouldn't even get there until AFTER the show started sometimes.  So she wouldn't even leave her house until she was already supposed to BE at work.  So - so this is so crazy to me that I'm doing this.  I mean I don't want to be at these jobs - I want to be acting and going on auditions and doing shows and having fun.  But - fuck - me being late and stressing out isn't going to help that happen is it?  Am I just a giant failure?  What am I doing?  I should have just left that shithole (it's not a shithole) today and gone to the audition right?  NO.  I'm so frustrated - I just ate a small pizza.  Good for me for not getting the cheesey bread right???  If I was in a dance class right now I would 100% throw up.  A whole small pizza?  Who needs to do that?  What is happening to me?  Listen - I have great timing but I suck with time - I really do.  I have no idea how long anything takes.  I cook until it's finished - that's it.  Not with everything - ugh.  I hate that I'm being like that manager from the comedy club.  She was such a turd about all of that.  She would show up late and then order a shitload of food and sit there and stuff her face.  WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?  Why am I writing about this?  Now I have anxiety.  So do you if you managed to somehow read all of this.  Love your Bluebie blog face bye.

In the name of science - this day sucks.

And why?  I don't know - it just does.  I had such a good day yesterday - I fucking actually went to a dance class at Alvin Ailey - un-fucking believable.  I almost died at first - for real.  I was like "okay if I have to throw up I will run out in the hall and do it and I will be so embarrassed but I will come back."  But then I didn't throw up and it was so much fun - sososososooooo much fun and all I want to do it dance.  I didn't have to work here at the store and so I went and met my friend and wrote and then went to this great meeting and got an audition for today.  THEN TODAY HAPPENED.  I fucking got on the train late and then there was some sort of incident so we all had to get off the train and go back uptown then downtown then uptown - what are you kidding me.  Then I couldn't go to the audition - because she wouldn't let me leave the store and I am obsessed with this gay guy from work.  No - no - I am not obsessed with him - at all.  I dreamt about him all night last night and it freaked me out.  I'm triggered by him I guess.  Yeah - so - there's that.  That's - itching me.  I'm so thirsty right now also - oh my God.  So I'm just fucked up right now.  I'm all off myself.  So in the name of true record keeping I am taking this down here on my sobriety blog (that was hard to write with a straight face) - and so this is a new day right?  Yesterday was a good day and now today is a new day and I am doing the best I can.  I just want to go home right now but I really need a meeting.  I mean right?  What I really need is to get out of my fucking head and get some water.  Okay - whatever - how did I ever do anything before when I was drinking?  I mean I can't do anything.  I'm beating myself up right?  This will pass.  Okay - so - barf - I'm verklemped today but at least I'm sober.  So just for today I need to stay sober.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Responsibility......

So the meeting I went to last night was about SEXUALITY - being SOBER SEXUALLY - which I DO NOT WANT TO DO.  I don't want to but guess what?  Not being responsible - in any area of my life - if I want to keep growing in my sobriety - isn't going to work for me anymore.  So.  So now I am at another crossroads?  Is it really that dramatic?  I don't think so - I just simply don't have sex - or date anyone - so am I dry sexually?  What and ew?  Like a dry alcoholic?  A dry sexanon?  What am I talking about?  I can't even write about this I'm so uncomfortable.  Fine - okay - so I already said it and now I will let the thought sink into me (SINK INTO ME PLEASE!!!) - I want to be responsible for my sexual life and that includes me being responsible for the other person also.  What?  I just want to have sex again before I'm 95.  In a healthy way - is that possible?  Okay on another note there is a crazy snowstorm and I am just sitting here at the boutique watching cars slowly go by and spin their tires - it's so terrifying.  Omg!!  The owner came in just as I was typing this and just as - ugh I had like 50 windows open on the computer - Jesus.  Oh and I'm wearing a 400 dollar sweater.  IT'S COLD IN HERE!!  Awkward.  At least I wasn't crying - right?  How does this job stress me out so much?  I'm going to hang up now dear sweet Bluebers - I love you bye. 

Monday, January 20, 2014

Great night.....

Worked all day  - went to a show - it was so good - it was so soooo good - so inspiring.  Then I walked to a meeting and it was such a good meeting and I even raised my hand - holy shit and then I came home and made myself a sandwich.  I worked on my monologue for class on the train and I felt like it was such a great night.  I was laughing so hard during the show that I was making the girl next to me uncomfortable.  HA TO THAT.  Ugh - I have intimacy issues and I am at a crossroads with my sex life now.  Relationship life?  What?  I don't want to deal with it.  But I want to be alive and I want to have fun.  Okay great I will deal with this tomorrow.  I just know I feel better when I go to a meeting everyday - HA - that's all I know.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

It got boring......

So reminded tonight when I was on the train after another long day of working and a good meeting how bored I got at the end of the drinking.  I got on the train and sat down and looked over at a beautiful picture in a book a man was reading and thought how that was so interesting.....somehow that brief moment of looking over and seeing a beautiful picture was infinitely more interesting than being in a dive bar talking to smelly people who don't want to grow or live - or can't.  It was a picture of a woman in a yellow tank top or body suit and she was in a back bend and the photo - I don't know - had an ethereal quality to it - it was so - interesting that's all.  I just thought for a brief while during my drinking years that it was interesting somehow.  Oh my God - really - throwing up in a bar on the floor after hours and then deciding to take a nap - RIGHT THERE - that was interesting.  Ugh - listen - I'm frustrated and tired - and I have no idea what I'm doing - but this is so much more interesting than getting drunk and high and puking.  That's all.  Okay - I need to get ready for bed and once again - go to work.  Dear Blog - help me get to the next level - love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Serious doubt right now.....

I mean about being able to stay on this schedule and grow.  I know I have to stay sober - that's it - that's the only thing I know.  How am I going to keep working at these jobs?  How in the world?  I also - my eyes feel like they are going to explode out of my head - they are so sore all the time - this whole glasses thing is such a pain in the ass.  I finally got some relief from a meeting tonight - finally.  I feel better after having gone to meetings 3 days in a row.  I'm just so tired and I can't seem to keep up on my self-care.  Okay - but not only that - hello - what was I going to complain about - not only that - but oh right - I'm not doing enough comedy.  I hosted an open mike last night - okay - fine.  And my acting class - with my beautiful acting teacher who only loves my talent.  What??  But - oh my dear Lord - I'm too tired to even write about this - I have to be up at 6:00 tomorrow morning.  Okay.  I have to get myself to bed right now and do my little bit of yoga and get ready for bed.  I just cleaned the humidifier and I was burning candles which is so nice to do after coming home from work - and I had tea.  So nice to have tea.  Okay - good night sweet Bluebie - let's have nice dreams.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Can't go without meetings.....

Well so you know sometimes I make the mistake of listening to what other people do and think I can do the same thing.  I kept talking to people these last few weeks who only go to meetings twice, 3 times a week - 4 - 4 times a week and so I was like oh - great - I am going to less meetings and so last night - I didn't go to a meeting and then but this morning - by the time I got to work - CRAZY.  Some man bumped into me getting off the bus so I FOLLOWED HIM until I could walk past him and GLARE at him.  Did he notice?  No - he was on his phone and he was in his own world.  Rude?  Yes - but would that have bothered me nearly as much if I got to enough meetings this week?  No.  I mean I missed going on Monday also and then 2 days last week and actually only 20 minutes on Friday and a short meeting on Saturday.  So - yeah - oh well - I guess I just have to accept I need a meeting everyday and I am once again reminded that this has to come first - staying sober.  That's a lot to accept I guess but I have to be responsible or I'm a dick.  There's already too many overly sensitive crazy pants in the world who don't even know they need programs to function better.  That is really selfish of me if I KNOW I need programs and know they help me - to not take advantage of them.  Okay I love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Class.

I had my acting class tonight.  I was so tired - I did all that laundry yesterday - did it well - put it all away - changed the sheets and even hand washed the stuff that needed to be hand washed.  I made myself dinner and I washed the dishes.  I got up today and prayed & meditated and got myself to work.  I went to my big meeting after work and then got to class.  I sat there and this other student started talking at me right away while we waited and then he walked in - my teacher - and I just fell in love all over again.  HOW DUMB IS THAT???  He swoops in all sort of gay and acting teacher like and I just LOVE HIM.  He sat down and started talking and I was like "I want to have his children - his eyes are so amazing and blue and his jaw line is just unreal and that dimple and his neck...." and then 45 seconds later I was like "IS HE EVER GOING TO SHUT UP I AM EXHAUSTED I NEED TO GET HIS OVER WITH AND GO HOME."  Dear GOD how insane is that.  So I had done my homework so by the time I got up to work I was more or less ready - and I did the work and he loved it.  He said to me I know the work I need to do and when I am confident - it's great work.  THAT MADE ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  He really is so gorgeous but also - he's nice - he's a nice person.  Ugh - whatever - he's a great teacher.  I just got home and made myself dinner again.  I have to work again in the morning and then I am auditing a writing class tomorrow night.  Alright - well I am certainly packing more into the stream of life - that's for sure.  Hello vibrator upstairs!!  It can't possibly be a vibrator - because it goes on like 5 times a day - who jerks off 5 times a day??  That's over 15??  Plus it's an old man who lives ALONE???  I don't get it!!!!!  Okay I need to do the dishes and got to bed.  I need to do my yoga before bed - that's it.  Okay I love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Annoyed.

Just got home from waitressing - again - third day in a row - I don't mean to brag.  I really don't know if I can keep doing this.  Working 6 days a week is really hard.  Haha - I got sent home an hour early today - I mean - Larni wanted to leave but they sent me home.  I looked horrible - I had toothpaste on my arm and I didn't shower AND I was so annoyed to be there anyway.  It's too much!!  I worked 9 hours yesterday and the day before and I slept through my alarm to day - too much.  I had toothpaste on my arm because I wiped my mouth off on my sleeve before I could remember that was a bad idea.  Lord help me now I need to do laundry.  Is it even possible?  Can I even possibly do laundry right now?   3 weeks of laundry??  I mean I have to - no clean clothes.  I can do this right?  I'm so annoyed - I really think I am working so hard and I'm not getting anywhere.  Since I have worked at this new job at least 2 new couples have formed - CUTE couples.  Do I really just have to accept that I am never going to find anyone?  I guess so.  I'm so sexually frustrated and I am so annoyed.  So fucking annoyed.  I hate when my hair is dirty because I become even angrier.  Okay - well - this didn't help.  I have to focus and regroup.  Clean my clothes and me - start my different work week over and figure this shit out.  BYE BLUEBIE I LOVE YOU.  ugh.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Grandpa funeral and then a picture of my real Grandfather.......

Talk about fucking confusing.  So my real grandfather killed himself when my father was 10 - my Grandmother remarried my Grandfather That I Knew and then no one ever spoke of the first one ever again.  I never saw a picture of him until a couple of weeks ago - online and then the night before last I saw real photographs.  My cousin brought them - her father that died just recently had them.  SO HOW CONFUSING IS THIS??  So I scanned the photos and I was scanning them - I blew one up - and this shit really flipped me out - I LOOK JUST LIKE HIM.  He was an alcoholic and he killed himself and I look just like him.  Only he was gigantic - so tall and a fucking HUGE HEAD and HUGE CHIN.  Which I do still have.  That really fucking flipped me out.  I was never not going to be an alcoholic.  Never.  I feel so blessed more than ever to have the program.  You know - he didn't have that option - oh wait - or did he?  I think he sort of did - but the program was so much smaller then.  Isn't that so sad?  He has the same off center face - hairline - really - the dark hair - so strange.  I have never looked at a person's picture and thought - oh I look like them.  I mean I resemble my parents - both of them and I take after my father - I guess - but oh my fucking GOD - I look like my dead Grandfather that I never met.  I have to go to sleep - these last few days were intense - really intense.  A wake, a funeral, dinners, people, babies, more food - Jesus Christ.  Oh - full military service funeral - that's a lot.  I loved so much my Grandfather - he was such a nice, funny man - so good to my Father - he was a real Dad to him.  I feel so grateful he was in my life.  I guess there is a part of me that wishes I could have known them both - that's all.  Yeah.  Oh I got my fucking period early because I almost got run over by a cab I think.  Or maybe it's my endlessly smoking super or whoever it is from the building.  Well - my sponsor said to say something when I smell it.  So I smell it - but I'm not going to say something.  Oh dear Lord.  I've had enough for a few days.  LOVE YOU SO MUCH BLUEBIE.  I AM YOUR REAL WRITER.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

My name is Feather Blogs Too Much

Do I blog too much?  Not enough?  What even is blogging and why am I still doing it?  Why is it no degrees outside?  Why did I think I would ever be normal even if I got sober??  That is something that was completed solidified today for me - the notion I will NEVER EVER BE NORMAL - no matter what and I will tell you why.  Because I called my father on his phone and the house phone and he didn't answer so it made me nervous - I called my mother and she said "Oh his tooth fell out and the dog ate it so he's at the dentist."  I said "DID YOU JUST SAY THE DOG ATE HIS TOOTH?"  She said - all exasperated - "Yes!  Yes - one of the dogs ate his tooth!  He was eating and it broke and flew out of his mouth and I guess before it hit the floor - one of the dogs ate it!"  Okaaay - OKAAAYY????  How can I be normal from those people??  Haha - she laughed and then he called me and laughed about it - ha.  I'm going there tomorrow morning for the wake and for the funeral.  I don't want to go - I do - I do want to go - I don't want to cry and I have pms - oh my GOD.  Do you think I should bring those dogs some treats - what the hell??  Why are they eating flying teeth for fuck's sake?  I mean they are gigantic - no way they are starving - but maybe they need some treats.  Okay - so - oh my God - I just missed my dog so much right now.  Fake crying my nose tickles.  I don't know.  I don't know anything - who can navigate around life?  I don't know.  Love you Bluebie bye. 

Monday, January 6, 2014

Okaaaaay and of course - it all changed.....

What the fuck do I even mean by that?  I went to see Larni in a show and it was great and then I went to a show and had a decent set and now I  love show business again.  I left work early today (it was so sloooooooooowwww) and then came home and took care of myself - went back out and took care of my art.  Okay - whatever - I am crashing right now.  I have to wake up early and go get my check before work at the store.  How in the world am I going to do that??  I CAN DO IT RIGHT??  If only I could wake up in capitals - maybe it would be easier.  I just keep hitting snooze - it's o totally insane.  I had so much fun tonight.  OH MY GOD I DID ONE OF MY GOALS!!!!  I did!!  I had fun!!!  Holy shit.  HOLY SHIT BALLS.  Wow.  I had a great conversation with my sponsee today.  Yeah - I need to get another one also.  Yeah.  I need to sleep I'm crashing.  I love you my Blueberry Blog lover.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Once again - WHAT AM I DOING?

I have no idea - worked a really long shift, went to a meeting, came home and made myself delicious eggs and now I basically need to go to bed to wake up at 6 and be there at 8:00 again.  I want to move to California - that's it - that's what I want.  I want to surf and I want sunshine and warmth and to breastfeed a baby on the beach.  THAT'S WHAT I WANT.  I want to run around and have blonde highlights and a convertible and an adventure.  I also want to have A LOT OF BEACH SEX.  That's it.  I said to someone about the cigarette smoke here and she said "Oh - why don't you sublet it?"  HA - YEAH WHY DON'T I???  This is all so slowwwww I can't take it.  I don't want to waitress anymore but also - I can actually pay my rent and I can do shows.  I have a show tomorrow night and I can take my class - it's just s FUCKING SLOW OMG.  AND WHERE IS MY BOYFRIEND?????  I want my gorgeous boyfriend/husband/amazing fun friend/sex lover extraordinaire ALREADY!!!  Is this a spiritual awakening????  I don't know - probably not and you know what - I don't know what the fuck I am doing.  My poor Grandpa's funeral is this weeks so I can go to the beach again at my parents house but - still - I want to move.  I want to live and I want to grow.  I guess that getting up for work in the morning is part of that?  I just have to listen to my heart and trust God.  I don't even know if I believe that but I'm willing to say it and try it.  WHY THE FUCK NOT??  Okay I'm going to take a bath bye.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Weird sex dream.....

I dreamed I was having sex with this guy that had such a huge penis that I could see it through my stomach - and then while he was having sex with me I decided to put on make-up.  I took out brushed and cover-up - the whole thing.  I just went to town putting on make-up while this guy patiently waited with his giant penis inside me.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???  I hate being sick and I'm never leaving my apartment again.  I'm never going to amount to anything and that can't be true but that's what it feels like.  I don't even know if that is true actually.  This is just so annoying - I feel like I am going to go to work tomorrow and get sick all over again.  Why don't I take that shower already???  Jeez Louise.  Bye.

Oh no - I'm not better and the cigarette smoke is awful.

I woke up to it - it's all I think about.  Should I call and ask him to please smoke less?  But I do not know 100% that it's him - it could be a neighbor and by law - you can smoke in your apartment - that's it.  So I guess by law - he can smoke in the office down below me.  It's so quiet here - seriously - soooooo quiet - it's heavenly quiet.  I mean if there wasn't any smoke I would never leave probably.  I just feel like a loser - like I don't know how to take care of it without a guy.  Like if I had a guy - he could go tell him to smoke less.  I think I need to call my sponsor.  I tried to pray and meditate when I woke up just now but it's so smokey I can't concentrate.  I also need to wash my hair - all things get weird in my head when I need to wash my hair.  I'm so tired and I never want to go to work again while simultaneously being so upset that all I do is work at shitty jobs.  Oh boy - I need some help right now - I am going down the rabbit hole.  Oh no - I hate so much right now.  Oh boy - okay - I'm going to come back - I'm going to try to work through this somehow - love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Sick with tectonic shift happenings......

Oh boy - totally sick.  Green stuff coming out of my face and throat and I drank so much green tea yesterday I almost made myself sick.  What else?  Oh I slept 13 fucking hours.  When was the last time I did that??  And I mean I went to bed at 9 - so I slept a healthy 13 hours.  Holy shit.  I got up, prayed and meditated, listened to an alanon meeting and listened to an AA meeting - which helped so much it's unreal.  There is something going on with the alanon phone meetings where someone keeps unmuting and it's disrupting the meetings.  It's also fucking hilarious because they have their TV on in the background and it just sounds funny.  However it sucks and is really selfish.  It's probably a kid doing it.  Anyway I'm drinking more tea and sitting here resting and trying to get out of work tomorrow so I can really heal.  So I am taking care of myself.  I'm going to neti-pot myself and take a bath right now - then make myself some healthy food.  Oh boy - I almost threw up last  night and when I tell you how badly I did not want to do that - I don't know - I just sat there and prayed & prayed that I would not throw up.  I hate throwing up - it is horrifying.  So I didn't and I just remembered how that is all I did at the end of my drinking - I just threw up everyday - most mornings and often while I was drinking and often just right onto the floor.  So I feel really grateful I am just sick right now, I have the day off and I can take care of myself.  I listened to those phone meetings because I am willing to go to any length (except leave the house) to stay sober.  So what does that mean?  I shouldn't leave the house - it's 10 fucking degrees and I'm sick!!  Omg - I am so crazy.  I also keep turning it over that the super is smoking down there and it's bothering me - but what can I do?  I am praying that God shows me what he wants me to do about it.  Does that make me a pussy?  I mean I also pray that he dies but that's not really very spiritual is it?  So I am praying to be shown what to do.  Yeah.  Great.  So what is the tectonic shift?  I'm actually resting when I am sick and I am actually praying for an answer when doubtful.  Plus I don't know - something else but I can't put it into words because I have no idea what it is.  Do you know I never realized how much I talk to myself until I had to not talk to make my voice better??  SO MUCH!  All I do is talk to myself and look at myself in the mirror.  ESPECIALLY WHEN I CRY.  Weirdo.  Wonderful Weirdo!!  What?  Ew.  Time to steam myself - love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

I need to make some decisions.

Decide.  Decide who I am and what I want.  Not only goals but a definition of who I am.  I always think of myself as someone who "wants" to be an actress - "likes" doing comedy - but I "work in a boutique and I am a waitress."  Fuck that 2014 - that is going to change.  Totally.  I'm home and not using my voice.  It's a blizzard outside and I prepared for it by getting hot sauce, seltzer and tortillas.  Ha!  That's all I needed - I have groceries and the super market was insane - also fuck that 2014.  Okay - yeah - putting my energy and my definitions in all the wrong places.  I'm going to listen to a phone meeting now.  Bye Bluebie - happy snowstorm.

Chinese Food RAGE.

Oh my GOD - I am so fucking angry.  How is that even possible and this is so not how I want to start a new year but also what the fuck was I doing ordering Chinese Food??  It's fucking gross - always and forever.  Mother fuck me.  I ordered it because I lost my voice and I have a wicked cold and I just wanted hot oil to burn it out of me.  So I ordered it and an hour and 15 minutes later it wasn't here - I called - he said the guy is on his way.  15 minutes after that - still not here so I cancelled it.  The guy didn't want that - told me - it's only been an hour!!  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN?  But okay - tells me he's calling the guy - 10 minutes later - he shows up with cold food and doesn't speak English.  Whatever and the food was so fucking gross it's unreal and of course - NO HOT OIL LIKE I ASKED FOR.  OR REAL - VERY VERY DISUGUSTING CHINESE FOOD REAL.  Is this because I didn't go to a meeting yesterday?  Really?  One day and I am so upset?  I also can't talk and it's 26 degrees outside and getting colder.  I mean I really lost my voice - I can barely talk.  Oh dear - I'm jealous, upset, I feel sick and I wake up every morning to my super smoking cigarettes.  How does it not bother anyone else in the building?  It's such a disgusting way to wake up.  Oh for fuck's sake I need to stop writing.  All I want to do is go home and go to bed.  I need a meeting though - I really need a meeting.  I should also take a walk, go to the bank and mail my rent.  Yeah - I should probably really do that.  Get the fuck out of here for a minute.  I'm at the store.  Just sitting here looking at Facebook and organizing myself and acting like I am SO PUT UPON - which I am not.  I just hate when I am like this.  What am I supposed to do?  Get out of here.  I'm going to get out of here for a minute.  I love you bye.