The Core of Me.

Well here I am at the end of this blog.  It's a little bittersweet because I am not sure I would have done it if they hadn't changed the format, which then made it so difficult (for me!) to use but well - I think it's probably time anyway.  I just went and looked at my first post from May 11th, 2010.  I'm a lot, a lot - a LOT healthier now.  I'm a lot happier.  I have a life that I can manage and when I can't I have so many tools and people who can help me.  Today I am struggling - I didn't sleep well and I woke up super early.  But I did something that I was never able to do - even years into recovery.....

I took care of myself.  I went for a jog and I prayed & meditated before that.  I cooked some healthy food, did the dishes and then took a shower.  I have stuck to my schedule for the day.  Now I'm having some tea and I'm allowing myself some closure by posting this.  And now - I feel better.  Amazing.  I didn't have to drink or do drugs for me to feel better.  I just took care of myself and eventually the feelings shifted. 

I don't have the room in my heart (anymore!) to be angry about this site changing and honestly I have other projects to work on.  And maybe it's just enough.  This has helped me so much.  I needed someplace to put all my thoughts, anger, fears, hopes and dreams.  I needed a place to be creative while I struggled with rebuilding my creative life.  

So.

So here I am graduating myself from my secret blog that maybe 2 people read.  And to you 2 people - thank you!  From the bottom of my heart.  May your life be blessed with whatever creativity you need and want and if you need recovery like me - I hope you get it.  It's a beautiful program and for today - GOD - just today!  I am going to work it.  

Also thank you to this site for giving me a place to put my words, love and angst.  I guess some of us need to write our way through life and I am grateful to have had a place to put this decade long chapter.   

I'm crying!  But it's okay.  Love you SO MUCH Bluebie!  Bye.

PS - Jesus I almost forgot - what's so crazy is that lately I feel like - I think because I have been home so much, meditating more and really being with myself...I have gotten to the core of myself.  The stuff that all the drugs, alcohol, anger, food and busyness covered up.  And I feel like I am really untangling it.  So really there isn't more to say anyway.  I am at a part that I can't write about anyway.  I need to meditate and do the work.  Help others.  Help others!?  Ew.  I'm kidding!  Okay bye bye - biggest hug - xoxoxo