Well it's a new month and I am wildly relieved for some reason. I am really traveling on a new path now and I guess the new month makes it very - what's the word - concrete? New month - new path. New chapter. It's got to happen right? Well it doesn't have to happen but I want it to happen. I want to move on. It's sad and hard and uncomfortable and what else? Lonely. But I can take it. I can take it especially because all those things are nothing compared to the abject pain of trying to do the same things over & over again with zero results. It just feels like scratching for an itch and never getting to the itch. Not only that, but the itch keeps getting worse! Fuck me! I will be lonely and uncomfortable for awhile it's okay.
I am being vague because I don't want to be so specific on here anymore. This blog is now becoming for me what the programs are for me - spiritual. Barf I know! But it's true. They are spiritual solutions and this blog is about what I am doing spiritually to stay sober, grow and help others. I wrote that - "help others" and I wanted to vomit! I mean not really but I did think "ew" in my own head. So I have plenty of work to do still! Ha.
Now I'm hot. Is it hot in here what the fuck is happening. I turned on the air. I think it's just humid. Oh maybe that's why my brain has been so foggy all day. Um - this is thrilling what I am writing right now.
Um.....hmmmmmm......I'm just scared. Scared to do this new thing and scared I won't keep myself on track. Scared I won't be true to myself. Scared I will be talking to someone who makes me feel like I am floating (in a bad way) and instead of politely excusing myself I will take a weekend trip with them or worse go to the mall and run errands with them. But here's the truth...
IF I COULD STOP EATING MUFFINS ANGRILY IN MY CAR BY MYSELF THEN I CAN NOT GO TO THE MALL WITH A STRANGER WHO MAKES ME FEEL SICK AND REMINDS OF SOME PART OF MY CHILDHOOD THAT I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER.
Okie dokie. Gotta go - love you Bluebie.
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