Saturday, November 30, 2019

Addicted To Feelings (and deprivation)

My sponsor seems to be under (the correct) impression that I am addicted to feelings of being upset, frightened, alarmed - I don't - negative emotions basically.  I have to say it rings true!  I had to stop talking to a woman who was addicted to being miserable.  I mean it just never stopped.  Yet here I am one misery after the other and my feelings go UP and dooooown. UP UP UP!!!!  Doooooown down down.  She moved away this friend and she had a party and I couldn't go - she invited me so I just sent her a message & said you know oh bye!  Wow - have a great trip!  What are you doing blah blah.  She told me all her plans.....then never one single time ASKED ME HOW I WAS.  But guess what?  I talked to that friend for YEARS & YEARS feeling AWFUL most of the time.  So really - who was the fucking pyscho?  Me the answer is me.  I just hung out waiting for her to change and I kept waiting to feel differently around her and I never fucking did.  So was she addicted to being miserable or was I?  I.  I was.  I am.  However I am OVER IT.  I sang that part....OOOOOOVERRRR IIIIIT.  Over it.  I can't stand feeling toxic anymore and if I am addicted to it then there is something I can do about it by turning it over to my higher power for help.  Help me Lord.  Please help me.  I don't want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth fighting the Universe.  I just don't.  Let Go & Let God.  I am exhausted.  I believe in my higher power right?  I do and I always have - so why don't I go ahead and start trusting as well.  It's truly worth the risk.  As I write this I feel gross because there are people who don't believe and I know that.  I always said I understood that but I don't.  I am in a program that is based on having a relationship with a higher power.  Whatever.  I just also care what people think and I am also getting over that in a really big fucking way.  UGH.  So annoyed an uncomfortable.  Going to practice some turning over right now.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Coffee Break

I'm taking a little coffee break and it is grand.  I have the day off from the kids - the rest of the week actually and that is wonderful.  I jogged and went and got stuff to make an appetizer for tomorrow - Thanksgiving and I got myself some groceries so that when I am there I am taking care of myself.  Had the upmost craziest realization.....I mean yes that is always happening to me but this one is a real boulder in my path that I never fully realized.  Actually it's 2 things....I know you are so excited haha.  Well anyway the first boulder is my inability to be able to stand other people's feelings and I AM AN ACTOR.  By definition I am trying to get other people to feel.  I love the laughter but laughter is a drug.  Or at least comedy as a world is.  AGH.  But yeah even that is difficult to deal with - I just like it better.  Other people's feelings - who the fuck knew?  I guess I knew but I never really, fully completely realized how it's truly a boulder in my path.  Well I see it now and I have learned from all the stuff I have done over the last 1o years that other people's feelings are none of my business.  Or is it their thoughts?  I don't know and I don't care all I do know is for sure they are not my responsibility.  Mind blown!

The second one...is......I CANT REMEMBER.  Seriously!??  Fuck me.  Ugh.  Let me think....haha.....okay I think I have it.  I am rereading a book on acting and she talks about how the only thing we can really do is be the best version of ourselves possible.  UM - WHAT?  I have literally been trying to be the best version of like 25 other people my WHOLE LIFE.  Sometimes I get tired and annoyed and then I'm like fuck it - here's just me deal with it.  I have done it in comedy and I did it with men - finally - thank God.  But as far as being an actor?  Not completely.  Cancer helped.....I was so tired and sick and I just couldn't try to be someone else and I couldn't wear that fucking wig - I was just like forget it - this is it - whatever.  Then I booked 2 jobs!  But now I have tried lately to grasp on again and last week I went in to an audition and tried to be what they wanted.  I am going to say what they wanted was a 75 year old because that was everyone there except me and yes I was confused and completely insulted which IS RIDICULOUS because who  fucking cares?  A job is a job!  But then I tried to be something and it wasn't good.  I was upset that day anyway.  So there you go - just do you.  Go figure.  Be the best version of me I can be.  Wouldn't I want to do that anyway no matter what I was trying to do for a living?  Or actually DOING for a living?  Yes - yes I would.  Jesus that's one of the reasons I do all this work anyway - to be healthy and the best member of society I can be.  GOD IT'S SO MUCH TEDIOUS FUCKING WORK.  But it's good.  I am into it.  We are the lucky ones.  I will happily be the best version of myself playing a 75 year old no problem.  It's fun to act no matter what.  OKAY.  Gotta go do stuff around the house and call my sponsor.  Woo-hoo!  Happy Thanksgiving Bluebie - love you.

Monday, November 25, 2019

Awareness.

Awareness, Acceptance and Action.  Until I become aware of it , I can't change it - ugh and until I become aware of it - and ACCEPT it - I can't change it.  Anyway I was going to go on a whole thing that well - no wait.  It deos matter.  It matters to me.  Here's the thing - it's been a rough few weeks an in fact - months.  Wait - YEARS.  Cancer has changed my life for the better but going through all this has been so difficult and transformation is painful.  So now I am learning how my codependency has manifested - OH MY GOD NO.  I am not writing about that either.  WHAT AM I TRYING TO WRITE ABOUT?

That I am an empathy.  I get confused when other people don't feel well and I think it's me who doesn't feel well.  Then I get upset.  Then I attack myself.

HOW ABOUT THAT SHIT SANDWICH?

EXCEPT......

I have finally become aware of it.  And this is one of the things I have struggled with incessantly with throughout my life.  That and a million other things but right now today and after these last few months of struggling with other people's energies and my own and not understanding what has been going on - this is one of the conclusions I have come to.  I also have the codependent stuff where I want people to be different and I hope that if I am different then they will be different and guess what?  THAT ALSO DOESNT WORK OUT SO GOOD.


So here I am now - with a lot of intel and I really need - no - I really want to heal.  But most of all and this is one of the reasons I truly think I got cancer & this is going to take a lot of fucking practice and it is not going to change overnight but.......

I can not longer attack myself.  Or rather - wait this is so confusing because it feels like I am attacking myself for attacking myself.  I am learning - here we go - I am learning to recognize that I am attacking myself and I can slowly shift that barge in a different direction.  I never even realized that that's what I was doing.  Now when I feel my stomach start to beat and I start to panic and wonder why I feel so awful I stop and say to myself "You are being hard on yourself....increase your positive emotions, breathe - you don't have to do this to yourself." Last night I must have woken up 5 times and had to do that.  The good news is I kept going back to sleep.  2 years ago or even 6 months ago I would have been awake the whole night.  Jesus - 3 weeks ago!

My friend got upset with me.  Someone who I work with a lot.  I was late to something and then she - listen - she didn't handle it well.  Then she basically blamed me.  That's the truth.  It's uncomfortable for me to say that but it's the truth.  I had been taking care of her emotionally and I wasn't there to do it and she didn't react well.  But I had a part in that.  My part was taking care of her emotionally.  And I do that with people and it's manipulative.  There is an asset to it because I am kind but it was imbalanced. It's super uncomfortable but I have done something which I have almost never done before and that is from a truly kind place I have done my own work around this.....looked at my part...and continued to take care of myself and most importantly....I did not tell her to go fuck herself.  And trust me when I say that after someone tells you that you are to blame for their poor behavior it is VERY DIFFICULT to not say go fuck yourself.  But again there was a dance pattern in place that I wasn't there to dance and I helped set up that pattern. So it's so crazy right?  To look at this...see my part & her part and then not hurt myself because it is SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE.  Holy shit.  I have had to sit on my hands to not text her, write to her, message her, send her VIBES.  Good Lord.  Challenging is an understatement. 

Here's the most amazing thing also - so so amazing......and this happened to me while I was drinking and I was truly so lucky to have this clarity of thought before my brain got completely melted from booze and drugs.......

It is fucking boring to continue to live like this.  It was a boring, predictable pattern to continue to drink and just destroy myself.  It's not loving and it's not kind and it's certainly not interesting.  I am not sure what is going to happen but  I am willing to go through the pain of healing and moving in a different direction.  Ugh and it's been a tedious couple of weeks while I continued to be polite and as a kind as possible while we dealt with different things together.  And it's also been tedious while I continue to be as kind to myself as possible while I sit in this discomfort.  It's physically uncomfortable!  But well - okay - that's life.  I have solutions and one of them I am doing right now.  I write, I get it out, I feel better.  I will continue on with my day and just stay in today.  I have my guy, work, my meeting and service and a show.  That's enough for today.  And breathe.  I am going to continue to drop my shoulders and breathe.  Progress not perfection.  Just a little bit of progress.

Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, November 8, 2019

Quarter Pounder With Cheese

I ate one last night.  I was so fucking mad & upset that I ate a fucking quarter pounder with cheese and it was HOT and fucking JUICY and it dripped all over my fingers and it made me feel better.  I honestly & truly thought to myself "Why is this so bad?  IT'S FUCKING GOOD & I feel better!"  It's better than drinking and who cares??  There's fucking raccoon that's always eating at that McDonald's and he's FINE.  He eats and then waddles back into the woods.  FINE.  Then 2 hours later I took the napkin out of my care - wait - it was like 20 minutes later,,,and then napkin with grease all over it was hard as a rock.  Fucking gross.  Anyway it's been the worst fucking week.  We worked SO HARD at this dumb show and hardly anyone came and my partner just lost her shit and it was really, really awful.  The show itself was great.  But it was awful and I am hurt because she was mean to me.  Dismissive and also outright spoke to me like I am a fucking idiot.  Then tonight I had 2 shows...I wasn't expecting much but I thought I was getting paid a certain amount and then he pays me TEN FUCKING DOLLARS.  Which OKAY I WILL TAKE IT.  But this si what is happening...that everyone else got paid and I am just what - so nice that I can be the one to not get paid?  And the show was a fucking SHIT SHOW.  Seriously.  Okay - it's okay.  It's not okay because I am worth something but it is okay because I have fucking had it.  I have had it.  I'm tired of giving it away for free AND I was one of the best parts of those shows.  Fuck the other comics were so angry and it really rubbed off on me.  So it didn't help trying to not talk shit about this guy all night and then he pays me $10.00?  HA.  Wow.  Okay well yeah - had it.  I did stick up for myself and ask how I was getting paid (which is when he venmoed me $10.00).  Then I said I thought I was getting paid more which he ignored.  Also why wasn't he there?  I DONT KNOW.  Fucking comedy is so shady.  People are so shady.  He has taken care of me almost all other times.  We also never got paid from this show we did last night either.  Which doesn't feel like is going to work out in my favor but it's okay.  It's okay - my time is coming and it's going to be grand.  Tomorrow I have the day off and I can get myself together.  Thank God I have other work that I do and that I am on a budget now.  What is going on with this guy that he would do something like that?  You know he was vague and used language that was - well vague.  So I suppose I misunderstood.  I didn't clarify.  So.  So okay.  It's not what I am supposed to be doing that's all.  Sure I can still work with him if I am going to get paid and I will ask and clarify.  He isn't making good choices.  So it isn't something I really want to invest a bunch of time in.  Jesus I am so trying to talk myself out of being so angry.  It's so unhealthy.  I'm sad.  I'm sad that people take advantage of other people.  I think what is really upsetting me is that he told me not produce a show someplace else - he strong armed me.  He said he couldn't book me anymore if that was what I was going to do.  I mean I couldn't care less - I didn't even know the other guy that asked me to do the show.  I just feel fucked with as far as money goes.  God I am so tired now.  I just want to feel my feelings and fucking heal from this week.  Exercise and see my family.  I am taken care of.  I am fine.  I mean I really am.  I need to let go.  Get some rest.  Let it go.  It was a shitty week - oh well.  It happens.  I'm one of the lucky ones - I'm sober and I have tools and help.  I love and I am loved.  And I am realizing I have something that no one can take away from me.  So that makes me very fucking lucky.  So tired.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, November 4, 2019

Going Against My Instincts

Right now my instincts are saying to push, even though I do not feel well.  I couldn't sleep last night and the menopausal symptoms are in full force today.  I am having so much trouble being grateful and staying in the day.  Oooo!  My alcoholism is alive & well right now.  I did a lot of things to take care of myself - I prayed & meditated...made myself a delicious healthy meal...I called my sponsor...cancelled something that I was too tired to do....did the celery juice...did all the dishes...meditated AGAIN because my sponsor suggested it.  I put hair color in my hair and I will be able to shower before work.  I also exercised.  Did all my holistic things for my cancer.  It will shift - I know it will.  I will feel better.  It's so hard to have so suddenly gone into menopause & the painful sex part of it - whether or not it's from the chemo, the menopause or both - it sucks.  Meanwhile I'm such a wohre that it hasn't stopped me from having sex and I am hoping that the physical therapy I am doing will help it to change.  But WOW - does it suck.  For some reason I am thinking of people from my past who I might have told all these things to....have awful I feel physically and how the hormonal imbalance puts me in such a negative frame of mind.  How sad & hard it has been to go so suddenly into old age or this phase which feels old......then I am thinking how these people would not give me what I am looking for which is comfort and understanding.  Saying "Yes that does suck.  I am sorry you are going through that but I am sure it will shift!  You will feel better!"  So anyway I am telling myself those things.  I will feel better.  I will feel healthy and vibrant again although it will be different.  I have so many tools now and so many people to turn to for help. We can't give what we don't have to give also & for some reason I have turned to some very cold people for help.  Or seemingly cold.  Just empty cups.  Or again - seemingly empty cups.  We all need to take care of ourselves also and let's face it - dealing with emotions is TrIcKY.  Tricky.  Yikes!  Okay time to go get ready for work.  I can't wait to go to a meeting!  God!  Also I can't wait to walk the dog - he makes me so happy.  So lucky I get to do that again.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

The Core of Me.

Well here I am at the end of this blog.  It's a little bittersweet because I am not sure I would have done it if they hadn't changed...