I'm taking a little coffee break and it is grand. I have the day off from the kids - the rest of the week actually and that is wonderful. I jogged and went and got stuff to make an appetizer for tomorrow - Thanksgiving and I got myself some groceries so that when I am there I am taking care of myself. Had the upmost craziest realization.....I mean yes that is always happening to me but this one is a real boulder in my path that I never fully realized. Actually it's 2 things....I know you are so excited haha. Well anyway the first boulder is my inability to be able to stand other people's feelings and I AM AN ACTOR. By definition I am trying to get other people to feel. I love the laughter but laughter is a drug. Or at least comedy as a world is. AGH. But yeah even that is difficult to deal with - I just like it better. Other people's feelings - who the fuck knew? I guess I knew but I never really, fully completely realized how it's truly a boulder in my path. Well I see it now and I have learned from all the stuff I have done over the last 1o years that other people's feelings are none of my business. Or is it their thoughts? I don't know and I don't care all I do know is for sure they are not my responsibility. Mind blown!
The second one...is......I CANT REMEMBER. Seriously!?? Fuck me. Ugh. Let me think....haha.....okay I think I have it. I am rereading a book on acting and she talks about how the only thing we can really do is be the best version of ourselves possible. UM - WHAT? I have literally been trying to be the best version of like 25 other people my WHOLE LIFE. Sometimes I get tired and annoyed and then I'm like fuck it - here's just me deal with it. I have done it in comedy and I did it with men - finally - thank God. But as far as being an actor? Not completely. Cancer helped.....I was so tired and sick and I just couldn't try to be someone else and I couldn't wear that fucking wig - I was just like forget it - this is it - whatever. Then I booked 2 jobs! But now I have tried lately to grasp on again and last week I went in to an audition and tried to be what they wanted. I am going to say what they wanted was a 75 year old because that was everyone there except me and yes I was confused and completely insulted which IS RIDICULOUS because who fucking cares? A job is a job! But then I tried to be something and it wasn't good. I was upset that day anyway. So there you go - just do you. Go figure. Be the best version of me I can be. Wouldn't I want to do that anyway no matter what I was trying to do for a living? Or actually DOING for a living? Yes - yes I would. Jesus that's one of the reasons I do all this work anyway - to be healthy and the best member of society I can be. GOD IT'S SO MUCH TEDIOUS FUCKING WORK. But it's good. I am into it. We are the lucky ones. I will happily be the best version of myself playing a 75 year old no problem. It's fun to act no matter what. OKAY. Gotta go do stuff around the house and call my sponsor. Woo-hoo! Happy Thanksgiving Bluebie - love you.
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