Saturday, August 31, 2013

Weeelllllll and sooooo....

another Saturday down - I at least made some money but I gave myself 2 weeks last Saturday and I'm sticking to it.  I feel so GROSS - just sticky and gross.  UGH - I don't know - I managed to say no to going out of town with this new band tomorrow - I have a super early hair appointment and I need to get to some meetings and take care of myself.  I need groceries and to clean the shower and I need sleep!!  I'm not going to get any of that tomorrow but I can get a little tonight and a lot tomorrow night.  I took the subway home tonight even though I could have sprung for a cab - I guess but WHY?  I get to read on the bus and the subway and I save enough to buy groceries - for real just by not taking these cabs.  The amount of money I spent on cabs - oh lord - it's gross.  They must be wondering where I am - all the cab drivers.  Unreal.  I think I had to get sober from taking cabs too - whoa.  I am so lonely but it's okay - life is lonely.  I'm learning how to take better & better care of myself so - so so what?  Ha - I'm still lonely!  I talked to my first sponsor today - omg - she was so nice - it was so wonderful to talk to her.  So that's nice.  I need to go to sleep - I love you Bluebie.

Just woke up and

somehow I woke up okay after that - show last night.  there was also a man there rolled up in a carpet that you could stand on.  I did it but I didn't like it.  I didn't like it at all.  It felt like I was standing on a jelly fish.  I got myself all together before I went to bed last night - got ready, put on clean pajamas, changed my sheets into fresh clean sheets, did a little bit of yoga.  Now I've made coffee and I'm about to pray & meditate.  It was how my old life was - those crazy shows - that band with my ex-husband.  Okay - really huge painful lesson learned.  My acting class is starting again soon and I really want to do that - that and other things I've never done - make movies -play more music only for real.  I'm going to take lessons for that too.  Okay - I need to be at work early to work a pre-show.  I talked to my friend about getting another job and hopefully - I talked to 2 friends actually.  Time to move on - that's all there is to it - it's time to move on all around.  I'm just not sure what I am meant to be doing?  How am I helping the world?  I really don't know - I am really confused about that - for sure.  Well okay - I have to get my shit together - bye my Bluebie Blueb - I do love you.

WHAT A FUCK FEST.

Holy shit - this day - unreal and honestly - how did I make it through it?  I woke up tired - did 5 louds of laundry - which is yes - basically 3 weeks of laundry - I just haven't had time.  Fine - I'm waiting also for a package from UPS - finally I call - oh - it wasn't coming out today - FUCK # 1.  Then I go rehearse and walk to a meeting, talk to my sponsee - all good there but I was late to the meeting - whatever - some old lady asked me for help in Rite Aid - what was I going to say no?  Then I go to this show - we set up, rehearse some more and then FOUR HOURS later we finally go on and it's a disaster.  HA - I mean laughable really - and it was fine but for sure FUCK # 2.  Also - I had cancelled a spot to do this show because for some reason I actually believed it would run on time and there was enough time for me to DO THE FUCKING SPOT.  FUCK # 3 FOR REAL.  And he hates it when comics cancel their spots so I really fucked myself.  FUCK # 4.  Listen - the part that is so fucking amazing to me is I walked the fucking subway and took that long ass ride home.  I barely spent any money and I keep doing this.  I keep taking the subway home - and I never used to be able to do that.  I just couldn't  - I was too tired and I just couldn't stand taking the time.  However - now I have no money and I need to save wherever I can.  This show had a woman in a long see through tutu and she had on a strap on.  There was also a gay naked chef who made watermelon (it was actually a honey bun) with prosciutto (it was actually a can of spagettios) and he opened the prosciutto can of spagettios by stepping on the can and spraying spagettios everywhere.  Honestly I love shit like that but I just wish I hadn't cancelled that spot and I had finessed a better choice.  What?  I'm so fucking tired.  What am I seriously doing?  Why doesn't anyone love me or pursue me that is a man and wonderful?  I also - what?  I'm so sad this guy isn't into me - this guy I haven't talked about.  But he's not or at least he's "Not That Into Me" and HOW HORRIFYNG IS THAT?  Gross.  I need to sleep bye.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Sigh.

Well I feel better - I got a decent night's sleep and somehow woke up and got myself to work.  I brought an apple, showered and put on a clean dress and dirty underwear.  I am beyond confused - I mean I just - okay - I'm not going to write about it.  I'm not that confused I'm just a little all over the place - I haven't adjusted yet to being busier and I will so just calm down.  I can do laundry tomorrow.  The comedy club is tanking.  The new manager quit and he's their son-in-law - which to me means (he has small kids) that he saw the writing on the boat wall and got the fuck out.  Ugh my stomach hurts from all the vitamins, onions and garlic I have been eating to get rid of my cold - which is so much better - thank God.  You know it is so weird to be sitting here in this store and women walk by, stop, press their faces against the door, point, make a face and then walk away.  What the fuck even is that?  Why does my stomach hurt?  Oh I know I said it already.  I really need to calm down.  Lord I miss that dog - it is so surreal to me that she's gone - I just can't.  I can't take it.  It doesn't help the loneliness - I keep getting so lonely but - oh well - that is part of life I guess.  I just need to make it to Tuesday.  I just need to make it to Tuesday and things will balance out that's all.  Christ it's only 2:12 - lord have mercy.  Okay well I guess I can write in my journal.  OW - bye.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Holy fucknuts who am I???

What am I doing?  I literally smelled so bad tonight I was fascinated by it.  I worked today, walked to a comedy club, did a set, walked to a meeting that was so crazy I almost felt like I was being set up.  I still felt better after I went though.  Left there - walked to Duane Reade - got some shampoo, saw some comedy friends - walked with them to a new club - took the train home local to the bus and shortly after midnight - got home.  I smelled because today was the third day I took this dress out of the laundry - I haven't had time to do laundry.  I haven't had a chance to get groceries and I don't know - I just feel all over the place.  I'm - I'm a mess kind of but that set was so fun tonight - I had a decent set and there wasn't that many people at the show but it was fun.  I left and I was sad that I didn't have more shows to do.  What am I doing?  Is this crazy?  Ugh - I want a - family at some point but - I dono't know - how is this going to work?  How am I going to keep doing this?  Am I making any sense?  I could have gotten home so much sooner if I didn't go to a meeting but I reaaaally needed a meeting and I'm so glad I went.  I have to stay sober.  Somehow I will get better at all of this and somehow it will adjust.  Lord - I am tired.  Okay - um - well bye for now now my Bluebie love.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

A cold, my period and Syria.

Not a poem - just what is happening today.  I still have a cold - now I have my period and in an effort to find out more about politics I started to read about what is happening and been happening in Syria and I fucking lost it.  All the pictures - the children - I really - I fucking lost it - it's so horrifying when it involves children.  This is why I don't want to know what's going on - I can't handle it - or at least that's what I have always told myself which is a totally fucking pussy ass move.  I didn't get sober to not grow up and not knowing what is going on is not growing up.  So I will see what is going on and eventually it won't hurt as much and then maybe I can even help.  I can certainly pray - I can do that.  I feel so selfish and foolish - but if I stay sober and keep growing I have a much greater chance of helping - anywhere in the world than if I was wasted.  Gross.  Lord help me I feel so gross.  I'm tired but I am willing to bet there is a woman is Syria who has her period and is LOT more fucking tired than I am.  Okay - I'm going to stop writing for now.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Poem

3:30 in the morning
came home and cried
I miss my dog
and I feel like
I'm going to die
Rehearsed today to play some music
Felt so raw and unwell
It turned out okay and maybe will be fine
I miss love.
I miss dancing
I  took the long ass subway ride home and played
"Who has diarrhea?"
That wasn't a fun game.
I'm so tired - I need this change
I can't be a waitress
any fucking more.

Bye.

Friday, August 23, 2013

That's it - I just want to enjoy my life.

I'm serious.  I just got home from that horrible comedy club - and for once I'm not even going into the details of what it was like - instead I'm going to say that I want to have fun now.  I want to live and have fun - that's it - that's what I want.  I'm so exhausted - third double in a row done.  I am going to rehears tomorrow for something - to play some music - I'm so excited!  Then on Sunday I'm doing some camera work and then I shows planned for the next couple of weeks at least.  I have to go to sleep because that sounds like the MOST fun thing I could do right now!!!  I love you Bluebie!!!

I'm just lonely and I don't feel good.

Oh dear - I don't know what to do - people keep coming into the store and then leaving really quickly - I'm very off - I just don't feel good and I have exactly zero to give.  I'm trying not to be hard on myself but that doesn't seem to be helping.  Okay - WOW - what the fuck?  This sucks but it will pass right?  I'm singing and that's helping - I'm going to go into the dressing room and stretch.  Bye.

There's good things......

I woke up so late - I did another double yesterday and took the long ass subway ride home at 12:30 at night - it took for fucking ever.  Waited for the crosstown bus - waited for the local train and because I got annoyed at the girl picking her nose and chomping her gun next to me on the seats - I got up and stomped away and had to stand there for 15 minutes.  She was straight up picking her nose - staring at it and going in for more - it was fucking horrifying.  Plus she had cut me off on the bus and she had ice cream - and there was no one else there and no one on the bus - it was almost 1:00 for Christ sake.  Did she need to sit down and eat her ice cream THAT fucking fast?  Anyway - okay - that's not the good part.  I didn't get a lot of sleep and I turned off my alarm and slept through talking to my alanon sponsor and then woke up with no voice and left her the most dramatic message.  I cried last night on the train thinking about the dog and my eyes are a mess from this horrible cold.  I can't seem to get to the good part.  I was so upset on the train this morning - I didn't get to pray or meditate before I left the house and I was - just upset - I didn't feel good and I was so tired and upset about my alanon missed call.  But I took a shower and I put on a cute dress and clean underwear and I made myself coffee to take with me.  I prayed on the train and I talked myself off the ledge.  I said to myself "I can not be mean to myself - I simply CAN NOT be mean to myself.  I'm literally doing the best I can and I'm going to fuck up - that's it.  I just can't take this into my day."  So I prayed & meditated on the train and this woman with weird energy sat across from me and it was annoying but I said oh well - she's annoying - people are annoying and she feels creepy too and people are creepy.  Then I put a force field between us and I focused on praying and taking care of myself and knowing that whatever she's about is none of my business and I FELT SO MUCH BETTER.  I can be annoyed about someone without hating myself for it.  PEOPLE ARE CREEPY and I can't help that some days I'm so fucking sensitive it's insane.  Being mean to myself won't fucking help.  My therapist always says "People are enraging!"  But she says it all sing songy and like so what??  I just ordered a super healthy lunch and now I'm going to eat it.  So this is my 3rd double in a row and then that's it and hopefully I can pay my rent for August.  Does this sound like good things?  What am I doing?  Who the fuck am I?  What do I want - am I crazy for doing all this?  Striving still endlessly towards my dreams of art and expression?  Sobriety and a life I don't understand how to live yet?  I almost have 4 years sober and that is scaring the shit out of me.  But as I wrote that Iwas like - okay - girl - calm the fuck down - it's not that big of a deal.  Okay - so I have to eat bye Bluebie.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Ugh.

I am so discombobulated.  I keep posting shit of Facebook and hoping that this guy I like but I don't even know will like it and then like me.  BECAUSE THAT'S HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK - RIGHT?  What is wrong with me?  I think I just have wicked PMS.  I also literally reek of garlic.  I have eaten so much of it the last 2 days trying to get rid of this cold that I am oozing it.  I'm tired too.  Why don't I give myself a break and eat an apple and read the rest of this 20 pound Stephen King novel I have been carrying around all summer?  I'm almost done with it and it was SO GOOD.  Whenever I pull it out of my purse on the subway I feel like I am at a public lunch table and I've pulled out a prime rib from my lunch box.  The book is fucking HUGE.  Anyway - okay - I feel better - I need to give myself a break.  Okay - as I write that my shoulders are dropping.  Okay - whew.  Read my book and eat an apple.  Okay bye Bluebers.

SO FUCKING ANNOYED.

Ughhhhh - why did I just do that?  Okay - I need to calm down - that jerk off I was dating just asked to be friends on Facebook and I waited till I woke up to decide if I wanted to or not and then I said yes and right away he started to chat with me and I looked a this pictures and I AM SO ANNOYED NOW.  Okay - I can delete him if I want to and - whoa - he doesn't control me and neither do these feelings.  It's just a bunch of pictures of him drinking and - shouldn't I or at least couldn't I have some compassion for that?  I do but what the fuck does he need to be friends for?  Gross.  I just want so much better for myself.  I should make a phone call right??  It's so hard to believe that this is how was I affected by people on a regular basis all the time.  My heart is pounding - I feel creeped out and - just - like I owe him something and I don't - oh and I'M MAD.  Jesus - he's so fucking selfish.  Whoa - note to self - take a longer pause before deciding something.  I can unfriend him - I can do whatever I need to do to take care of myself.  To take care of myself in a loving, healthy way.  Okay - I'm going to stop writing and take care of myself and clean this shit up quickly.  Fuck that.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I'm sick but I look amazing.

Totally have a cold now - which might also be allergies - I don't know but I feel groooossss.  I went home last night and made myself rice pasta with garlic, asparagus and black olives and I mean A LOT of garlic - holy fuck.  I neti-potted myself and I totally went to sleep on time while doing my whole night routine of yoga, flossing blah blah blah.  But I woke up this morning - and I had a cold - so I got up and took great care of myself.  I prayed, I meditated, I made myself breakfast and lunch to bring with me and I also brought those Burts Bees cough drops which I've had FOREVER because I guess I haven't been sick in a long time.  I took a shower, put on cute clothes and even did my hair before I left - which I never do before coming to the store.  So - I'm sick - but  I look fantastic.  It's warm out today - it totally turned into summer again - doesn't it always?  Thank God for these cough drops - they are the only thing making me feel better.  I don't know - I'm off myself because I don't feel good but I'm here which I'm grateful for and I think I can make it through the day.  I will go get a tea later and maybe I will get one of those hot & sour soups with extra hot oil later - those help a lot sometimes.  I'm so fucking glad I'm not using anymore - I just couldn't even navigate my way through not feeling well.  I guess I couldn't really navigate through feeling anything but especially not feeling good.  OH BOY.  Sort of boring but wheva - love you Bluebie - you're the tops!!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Infinitely more interesting and new list of goals starting with.....

WASH MY HANDS MORE OFTEN.  Fuck - I didn't wash my hands after that open mike and I shoved a grilled cheese and French fries in my face before I realized I didn't and then I woke up in the middle of the night feeling SO sick.  I dosed myself with vitamin C and D, ate a lime Popsicle (it helped) and went back to sleep but I still feel pretty gross.  How fucking disgusting is that?  Ewwwww - I shook a million hands - ewww - not to mention the nasty microphone - okay - whoa - okay.  Okay - wow - I didn't wash my hands on Friday night before I ate because I was sitting on the inside and I just didn't want to bother getting up - fuck that - lesson learned.  I guess I thought since I didn't get sick on Friday I wouldn't last night - why because I'm immune to the wee beasties?  I don't think so.  Okay - so I packed my lunch up today and I somehow got myself showered and to work with clean clothes on don't ask me how.  I got here and I started to chat with someone about comedy and I realized how much more INTERESTING this is than being a drunk.  Holy fuck.  INFINITELY MORE INTERESTING.  Also - so this is something that used to be so hard for me before - years ago when I was working hard at my comedy.  I knew I didn't know anything about - anything - politics, science - whatever - does the moon go around the sun or Jupiter?  I don't know.  Well - now I know the sun, moon thing - whatever.  I also knew that part of my thing was playing stupid and that makes people REALLY mad sometimes.  Anyway so I joked about something and this comic said something nasty back and I realized - I need to learn more about this particular subject.  Is this making any sense?  This is what is different than years ago - I do believe I can learn about whatever I want to learn about - and I can learn about it and I should.  So my feelings got hurt - whatever - that's comedy.  I'm ready to grow in that direction now also.  Holy fuck I feel gross - I feel like I have a fever.  Lord - at least I brought healthy food with me.  I love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, August 19, 2013

How am I ever going to do this?

Seriously?  I hosted the open mike - went and got diner food by myself, wrote, did my set on the street - went back and performed and had a mediocre set.  Here's what I did though - I thought I bombed but I recorded it.  When I listened to it I realized I didn't - I just wasn't in a flow and I wasn't focused on having fun.  Also - hello - I was expecting the audience to super love me like they did on Saturday.  Now I'm working for the next 6 days with at least 2 doubles and maybe 3.  I need the money so badly - I will work whatever.  So I need to get onstage so much but how can I get the energy for this?  How?  I'm so tired but I guess not really.  What??  I am so tired.  I need to sleep.  Bye Bluebie I love you.

Just woke up - was having weird dreams...

I saw a picture on Facebook this weekend of one of my sisters and it made me so resentful - so much so that I dreamed about her.  Dreamed I was angry and yelling - ugh - I feel so gross right now.  I just - what do they say in the program?  I can't afford to be angry and resentful.  I have to clean this is up inside me.  She has her own stuff going on - she has her own life - I can only live mine and live it the best of my ability - what she does is none of my business.  I am so tired.  I'm hosting an open mike today and then doing a spot on a show and I have to do laundry, get groceries and exercise.  How the fuck am I going to do this?  Do shows, work my jobs and take care of myself?  I suddenly feel very overwhelmed.  Ugh.  Also TIRED - so tired.  It doesn't help that they smoke but also - come on - can it really be effecting me that much?  The whole city is dirty.  Okay - I just have to push ahead and stay focused and clean.  Let those resentments go.  I miss my dog still - it's so crazy still that she's gone.  Ah - my little bean.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

OH MY GOD.

THAT SHOW WAS SO MUCH FUN TONIGHT.  I am not even kidding - holy fucking shit I can't even believe I am getting to do shows again.  this is blowing my mind.  I mean this is really blowing my mind.  I got up today and went to speak at an alanon meeting which I was totally regretting on the way there and then it turned out to be awesome - then I went to an AA meeting and sat behind literally the most famous person who I have ever seen at a meeting and I'm not kidding you - they smelled AMAZING - what is THAT???  I waited on Eddie Murphy once - he ordered a vodka and orange juice and he only drank like half of it and sat there with his entourage for like 2 hours and do you know what I remember about him??  HE SMELLED FUCKING AMAZING.  I stink.  WELL I GUESS YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU HAVE READ ANY OF THIS BLOG.  I smell better than I used to though!!  So anyway - that was so much fun tonight and I was fucking so exhausted and once again my spot was at 12:10 a fucking m.  But guess what???  So worth it - so fucking worth it.  My friend was there and she taped it for me so that's good.  What?  I just - I don't know what else to say - I never thought I would get to do this again and I'm still not really doing it but I'm getting there.  It's so much fun it's crazy.  I was rather unprepared for how much the audience liked it.  I just didn't think about it and did it.  Lord - lord have mercy.  That person must have rubbed off on me.  I also have been working my ass off.  I just got so tired I love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, August 16, 2013

SO TIRED.

Holy fuck I went and did that spot tonight - the comedy spot - it was at 12:10 a fucking m and it was SO MUCH FUN.  Some of my jokes totally didn't work at all - which was weird and I forgo to tape myself so - ugh - I can't listen to it - but it was super fun and they laughed at a lot of it - I certainly didn't tank.  I left my house today at noon and got home at 1:30 a.m.  I met with my sponsor and read with her for over an hour and after that there wasn't enough time for me to go home before my meeting so I walked and walked and checked out this new club.  I also worked on my set.  Then I went to my meeting and went to get food with friends and then we walked & walked and got ice cream - it was so fun.  They are comics too so that was so fun.  Jesus - I was so nervous and I totally forgot parts of my set - but I had fun and I wasn't super in my head and the crowd liked me.  I was thinking on the way home that it would be nice if I liked them and I was being of service by making them laugh.  I am so fucking tired right now.  I have another show tomorrow night and I'm really excited for that one too!!  I have to go to sleep right now - I am so exhausted.   I worked a double yesterday and then this long ass walking day today - wow.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

So stressed out.

So I'm so nervous about this weekend and okay - I'm just going to write.  I'm so nervous about doing these shows and it feels like it is a once in life opportunity and that is just crazy.  Why does everything have to be so fucking melodramatic?  I'm just so nervous and scared and I can't get my set list right and I will never be able to remember my jokes.  I wrote with a friend last night for HOURS and it was so much fun but exhausting.  I'm just so afraid to commit and listen - I can bring notes on stage with me if I need to - I can do that - it's okay.  I can't be perfect right now - at all - I just have to be where I am.  I've been working on this for days - so okay - alright.  I'm going to work on it more right now.  That's it.  Holy fucking balls of nuts - I'm so nervous and in my head right now.  Okay - I'm going to do this again - my set - right now - barrel through it and just do it.  OKAY BYE BLUEBIE I LOVE YOU.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Rigorous Fucking Honesty.

That's a thing in the program - rigorous honesty - I'm sure I've written about it before.  However IT IS SO FUCKING HARD.  Who the fuck wants to be rigorously honest???  NOT ME.  I want to be kind of honest - or even - full of shit but I sound honest.  How about that?  A liar with the illusion of being honest.  I would be a bullshitter but - magical.  What?  Gross.  I mean - so here I am now at this place where I have some opportunities to do some more shows and go in the direction I want to go in but.....but I lost my place in line so to speak and I am going to have to work SO HARD to get back AND I DON'T WANT TO.  If I am going to be rigorously honest then everyday - all the time I need to be working on my craft and everyday I need to also be taking care of my program.  Who can do this and have time to be depressed and feel sorry for themselves, be filled with rage - UGH.  I know - I know that's the whole point.  I have to be so fucking disciplined right now for this to even work out a little bit - let alone for me to get successful but - I don't know - I don't really know if I can do this.  I mean I don't have anything else to do so why not but that can't be the right thinking.  On another note completely I am allergic to something in my apartment - my eyes - I wake up with them so red - so irritated.  What in the world could it be?  I mean - yes there is some cigarette smoke but it doesn't really make sense to me.  Ugh - whatever - I just can't tell you how amazing it is to come home to that quiet apartment and be able to make myself food and calm down before going to bed.  It's a beautiful thing.  Okay - well more will be revealed I guess.  I love you Bluebie.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Poem.

Here I sit  and here I write
More like here I sit and here I type
I type on a wireless keyboard while I sell dresses
to wireless people - women mostly
and the occasionally creepy man
Except for that Irish airline stewardess man - he was so sweet
It's so nice to have wireless products but not
wireless people
They need to get plugged back in - these women
Ah - but I am so grateful to be selling dresses
instead of drinks and fake cheese.
One day I hope to sell my heart
or rent it by the hour or day
not in a creepy way
In a beautiful way.
Have a lovely day - and remember
to stay plugged in.

Byeeeeee!!!!!!!

Monday, August 12, 2013

Relief and cying.

I just got home - it's about 9:30 and I'm in my pajamas which is glorious.  I stopped at the grocery store and got greens so I can have salads the next few days at work.  I came home and the super and his wife were sitting outside and they were nice.  I came up here and listened to a message from my new sponsor and it was so sweet - so loving and just nice but not too nice.  Then I listened to a message from my sponsee and she sounded so good and real and I just started crying.  It was a long day at the store - I walked to a meeting and then to go to do a show and I was fucking exhausted but I was determined to go do this show and it was cancelled.  I was so tired - got on the bus, then the train blah blah - to come home to this cute apartment and have food and nice messages was such a relief that I just cried.  But also I'm so fucking stressed out - I need to make more money and it's not happening.  The comedy club is not happening but also - I just can't be there anymore it's done for me.  Or I can't be there as much as I have been - I'm not going anywhere without other work.  Okay - so fine - this is just a scary time.  I'm okay - I have food, I pay my bills - although my rent is super late - suuuuper late - but - ugh - that's not good but it's - okay.  I just have to have faith I guess - just keep working my programs, taking care of myself and have faith.  Holy fuck though - WOW.  I do know this after seeing that friend yesterday - it's not going to get better me not working a program - that's for sure.  I shouldn't say that - it's hard for us but - well for me - I just need to stay focused.  So - holy fuck though - this is SO FUCKING - hard.  Tedious I suppose.  I'm getting tired but I feel very blessed to be sober and I have no idea about anything else - I just don't - it's a fucking mystery to me.  So - so I will see you tomorrow my Blueberry love.  We'll complain more then!!

At work - keeping busy.

While I was on vacation my sister told me about this thing she read about and - was it a book or an article or a plaque?  I don't know but it's a FORMULA - Commit, Learn, Do.  Holy fuck - even writing that is making me nervous - or is it the iced tea?  I brought this HUGE thermos of iced tea with me.  Those long thermos's that have the little cup that goes with them.  Every time I pour some out I feel like a construction worker.  Cool right??  So anyway I just got nervous writing the word COMMIT.  I think I thought being obsessed was being committed.  WRONG.  Anyway - so - okay I'm going to try this.  Commit to being an artist - for real - that's it - and then keep following the formula - learn and do.  Listen if I didn't commit to getting sober - it just wasn't going to happen.  EVER.  I think.  Am I really questioning that?  OF COURSE.  Ugh - so 2 things.  I need to commit in my heart and commit in my actions.  That is so hard - it is so hard for me to do that right now.  I want the option of going to sleep but EW - ewww - right?  Holy shit - I need some water.  I'm so grateful to be at work.  I love you Bluebie.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Shows.

I got booked for a show - no big deal - I don't even think it pays but it made me cry I was so happy.  I was so happy to be getting back into the - I can't even say the swing of it - but to be at a beginning again.  Now I have to start working my ass off because I need this ball to roll and it's not going to if I drop it - what?  Yes - drop it.  I'm so tired.  I got up early and cleaned, walked - had friend over to help seal up my apartment to keep critters out.  It was really stressful and it only got partially done.  There's a fake drawer at the bottom of my closet - 2 fake drawers actually.  I mean - the are drawer doors that are there and there are not drawers inside - it's just empty weird space - except there's some papers in there.  One of the door has fallen off so you can see the papers inside.  She got completely obsessed with this and - well - it was a thing.  Then she noticed a - lump in the wooden floor boards and was more or less convinced that there's a dead body under my floor.  The floor is raised - but - listen - I'm the most sensitive, nervous person ever - but honestly - I just - I can't.  A dead body?  The weird part is that now it does look like such a lump in the floor - I can't believe I never noticed.  It does look like someone pulled up the floor boards and then put them back and then put screws in place.  I googled the guy who lived here before and he's a writer and he obviously left a novel in there.  She was looking at it with a flashlight and reading it and then she screamed and dropped the flash light and ran out into the hall and was all freaked out.  She said one of the papers moved.  I don't know - I think I'm thinking that being calm is a beautiful choice.  I went to a meeting and met a new friend there first.  I made ice tea today and came home after the meeting and made myself dinner and lunch for tomorrow and packed up the ice tea also.  Listen - it's really hard being around someone who is just freaked out all the time.  She's so beautiful too - and vibrant but she's - just like - her wires are poking out all over the place.  Her energy is just zipping out all over.  But that was me right?  Only WAY WAY WAY more angry.  She's sweet and funny - I really like her.  It makes me sad.  But it also made me want to just work a way better program.  That's all - I just want to be super sober.  HA.  But I do - super sober and SEXY.  What?  I love you Bluebie!!!!!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Hiya.

Woke up after working my ass off last night - 2 doubles in a row - prayed/meditated, walked in the park - now I'm getting ready to go meet my bestie who just got back from an amazing trip I can't wait to hear about.  I am awake in the world and I'm not drunk or high.  I miss my dog but I cried and kept walking.  I can pay my July rent now and I'm trying so hard to accept, stay present, be of service (STILL SO HARD), be kind to myself and be loving and gracious.  THAT'S ALL.  LORD HAVE MERCY I AM GROWING I THINK.  I have been taking the subway home and late night after work but I'm doing it to save money and be able to survive.  My money spending has changed so much.  This is the silver lining in having less money for sure.  Okay - I love you my Bluebie Blueb.  Have a lovely day in cyber land.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Why isn't anyone reading this anymore?

Is this boring now?  Am I boring?  Is it boring to be sober?  I don't know - maybe I need to move past this bog.  I t has been such a saving grace for me - I needed a creative outlet so badly but now I have more of them and my struggle isn't nearly as intense.  Maybe I just don't have enough to complain about.  HA-YEAH RIGHT.  I suppose I could just - what - I don't know - write more consistently.  Right now I am trying so badly to not make something happen that I want to have happen.  I didn't get a lot of scabs when I was a little kid but I picked at the ones I had.  I have had a zit on my chin that I have turned into a real problem picking at it.  I just - can't do that anymore.  I need growth in my life.  I don't think the kind of growth I want comes fro picking.  So I'm being really brave and not picking and not controlling.  OH MY GOD IT'S SO HARD.  I'm bored.  I should write comedy.  I'm at work - at the store and it's slow.  I'm getting better about bringing my own food and getting up earlier - so that's good.  This is so boring.  I just have to be patient - that's all.  I don't even know what to say - be patient?  WHO CAN DO THAT?  Fuck - I need to make something happen in my life - I need to move and GROW.  I didn't get sober to be bored did I??  Maybe I did.  Why don't I enjoy the boredom?  I just got so sleepy.  Love you Bluebie.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Lovely days, sad funeral, crazy Grandpa.

We had the funeral for the dog.  My sister picked flowers for her and my father had his farm hand dig a hole where a bunch of the other pets are buried by a lovely stone wall.  We then went to lunch and when we came back the farm hand had filled in the hoe, smashed the flowers and thrown them over the wall and a chicken laid an egg on top of the grave.  He doesn't speak English so much and my father said he told him to put MORE flowers on top of the grave and instead he just took the shovel and smashed the flowers my sister picked, scooped them up and threw them over the wall.  Nobody saw the chicken lay the egg but it sure did it.  It might have been a Guinea Hen because they lay their eggs in weird places.  My Grandpa is saying that my dead Grandma has been coming back to visit - but only during the day.  SO - so he's fine right?  I had such a lovely trip with my family and I got to see friends and go to meetings and COME ON - this is a MIRACLE right?  I still couldn't even take showers everyday 2 years ago - or even get to work without getting into a cab.  Now I can't pay my rent but I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER AND I TAKE SHOWERS.  Ugh - I'm joking.  I can't pay my rent but it will happen.  I brought back flowers from the farm and plant cuttings and I was so sad to leave my sister and all the fresh air and sunshine.  I feel very blessed and it makes me so nervous to say that but I do.  I - what?  I forgot what I was going to say.  I had to take a shower right after the dog funeral and then I cried in there for 20 minutes.  I actually had to get on my hands and knees in the shower and pray - it hut too much.  But now I can visit her - and my cat, the other cat, the dogs and that egg the chicken left.  I'm boiling eggs I have to go.  I love you my Bluebie Blueb.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Dog ashes and a Date with a Guy with cancer.

I got the dog's ashes today.  I go to the vet and the guy tells me to hold on and then comes back with a fucking gift bag with a bow on it.  I'm not even fucking kidding you.  A gift bag that says "DOG REMAINS on it with her name and A FUCKING BOW.  I started laughing which is not what I was expecting to do - I mean fucking seriously?  I had to get a plastic bag to put it in because I just could not walk around with that.  Then I went on a date to a diner with a guy who has cancer.  Rectal cancer.  Do you know how I know that?  He told me - at least 7 times.  I just was sitting there at this diner with my dog in a bag next to me listening to this man talk about his rectal cancer and I just - was really okay actually.  NO - I was SO UPSET.  I think he is going to be fine this man actually - but he mentioned having sex with my friend who hooked us up and also told me about his affair with this famous model who he met at rehab.  COME ON.  He was nice - he bought me my tea - I just - I don't know - I wasn't attracted to him I don't think.  He wasn't really looking me in the eye and I kept thinking "Is this romantic?  I don't know - do I feel romantic right now?"  Life is so painful and awkward I swear to God.  I just - I guess I didn't feel magical there sitting in that diner with my dog's ashes and this ashen looking man.  Why did he have to say rectal?  SO MANY TIMES?  I saw an old friend at a meeting and HE was fun.  Holy shit!  We walked around - ugh - WHATEVER.  It's Friday night and do you know what I did?  I came home at 8:00 and changed out of my dress into A DIFFERENT dress and now I'm going to go do late night LAUNDRY.  WHAT THE FUCK??  Still - this is better than being alone and drinking - for sure.  For fucking SURE.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE - SO MUCH.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

I'm so fucking self absorbed.

Did I eve spell that right?  WOW - I'm watching this show "Coupling" from the BBC and there's this one super self absorbed character and I think I'm her.  When they show her inner monologue it's "I, I  I, me,me me.  "Why don't I have a secret blog about how I help people or that I even WANT to?  I want to help the world - or be part of helping the world.  I want to want that anyway.  Holy shit I just got SO tired.  Bye.

Happiness.

When I went to dinner on Tuesday night with some new friends there was a beautiful Mom there - gorgeous.  She looked so good and FELT so good.  I asked her what her secret was and she said (and she didn't have plastic surgery as far as I could tell and I see a LOT of it) while laughing "I think I'm just happy!!"  It was so AMAZING.  It really was wonderful to hear and see - so simple.  So last night I went home after a meeting which was super weird and negative but I did it and I felt better afterwards.  I just cleaned up my apartment, talked to my sponsor and my sponsee, ate ice cream and potato chips and watched Angels In America - which is fucking amazing and I loved it.  I was crying at one point - I just miss the dog so much - I mean - I know - it's okay - but I do and I was crying and looking at myself in the mirror and I said "Maybe this is what makes me happy - maybe this is my happiness - being alone in an apartment that's decent with a hole over the ceiling in the shower but it's quiet and I have on comfortable clothes, I'm bleeding but I'm safe."  But I decided that that wasn't true.  I mean - listen - I'm a million times happier than I was but I don't think that moment of crying and looking at myself is my happy place - I was just relieved to have that horrible day over with.  And hello - the ice cream???  Come on - that made me happy!!!  What is my point?  I don't know - why am I writing this?  It's raining right now so no one is on the streets and no one is coming into the store - HALLELUJAH!!!  Jeez.  Am I live or am I Memorex?  Sooooo - okaaaayyyy - new day - alright!!  Let's do this.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE.  YOU ARE THE BEST LISTENER I HAVE EVER WRITTEN.