Relief and cying.

I just got home - it's about 9:30 and I'm in my pajamas which is glorious.  I stopped at the grocery store and got greens so I can have salads the next few days at work.  I came home and the super and his wife were sitting outside and they were nice.  I came up here and listened to a message from my new sponsor and it was so sweet - so loving and just nice but not too nice.  Then I listened to a message from my sponsee and she sounded so good and real and I just started crying.  It was a long day at the store - I walked to a meeting and then to go to do a show and I was fucking exhausted but I was determined to go do this show and it was cancelled.  I was so tired - got on the bus, then the train blah blah - to come home to this cute apartment and have food and nice messages was such a relief that I just cried.  But also I'm so fucking stressed out - I need to make more money and it's not happening.  The comedy club is not happening but also - I just can't be there anymore it's done for me.  Or I can't be there as much as I have been - I'm not going anywhere without other work.  Okay - so fine - this is just a scary time.  I'm okay - I have food, I pay my bills - although my rent is super late - suuuuper late - but - ugh - that's not good but it's - okay.  I just have to have faith I guess - just keep working my programs, taking care of myself and have faith.  Holy fuck though - WOW.  I do know this after seeing that friend yesterday - it's not going to get better me not working a program - that's for sure.  I shouldn't say that - it's hard for us but - well for me - I just need to stay focused.  So - holy fuck though - this is SO FUCKING - hard.  Tedious I suppose.  I'm getting tired but I feel very blessed to be sober and I have no idea about anything else - I just don't - it's a fucking mystery to me.  So - so I will see you tomorrow my Blueberry love.  We'll complain more then!!