Rigorous Fucking Honesty.

That's a thing in the program - rigorous honesty - I'm sure I've written about it before.  However IT IS SO FUCKING HARD.  Who the fuck wants to be rigorously honest???  NOT ME.  I want to be kind of honest - or even - full of shit but I sound honest.  How about that?  A liar with the illusion of being honest.  I would be a bullshitter but - magical.  What?  Gross.  I mean - so here I am now at this place where I have some opportunities to do some more shows and go in the direction I want to go in but.....but I lost my place in line so to speak and I am going to have to work SO HARD to get back AND I DON'T WANT TO.  If I am going to be rigorously honest then everyday - all the time I need to be working on my craft and everyday I need to also be taking care of my program.  Who can do this and have time to be depressed and feel sorry for themselves, be filled with rage - UGH.  I know - I know that's the whole point.  I have to be so fucking disciplined right now for this to even work out a little bit - let alone for me to get successful but - I don't know - I don't really know if I can do this.  I mean I don't have anything else to do so why not but that can't be the right thinking.  On another note completely I am allergic to something in my apartment - my eyes - I wake up with them so red - so irritated.  What in the world could it be?  I mean - yes there is some cigarette smoke but it doesn't really make sense to me.  Ugh - whatever - I just can't tell you how amazing it is to come home to that quiet apartment and be able to make myself food and calm down before going to bed.  It's a beautiful thing.  Okay - well more will be revealed I guess.  I love you Bluebie.