Friday, January 10, 2014

Grandpa funeral and then a picture of my real Grandfather.......

Talk about fucking confusing.  So my real grandfather killed himself when my father was 10 - my Grandmother remarried my Grandfather That I Knew and then no one ever spoke of the first one ever again.  I never saw a picture of him until a couple of weeks ago - online and then the night before last I saw real photographs.  My cousin brought them - her father that died just recently had them.  SO HOW CONFUSING IS THIS??  So I scanned the photos and I was scanning them - I blew one up - and this shit really flipped me out - I LOOK JUST LIKE HIM.  He was an alcoholic and he killed himself and I look just like him.  Only he was gigantic - so tall and a fucking HUGE HEAD and HUGE CHIN.  Which I do still have.  That really fucking flipped me out.  I was never not going to be an alcoholic.  Never.  I feel so blessed more than ever to have the program.  You know - he didn't have that option - oh wait - or did he?  I think he sort of did - but the program was so much smaller then.  Isn't that so sad?  He has the same off center face - hairline - really - the dark hair - so strange.  I have never looked at a person's picture and thought - oh I look like them.  I mean I resemble my parents - both of them and I take after my father - I guess - but oh my fucking GOD - I look like my dead Grandfather that I never met.  I have to go to sleep - these last few days were intense - really intense.  A wake, a funeral, dinners, people, babies, more food - Jesus Christ.  Oh - full military service funeral - that's a lot.  I loved so much my Grandfather - he was such a nice, funny man - so good to my Father - he was a real Dad to him.  I feel so grateful he was in my life.  I guess there is a part of me that wishes I could have known them both - that's all.  Yeah.  Oh I got my fucking period early because I almost got run over by a cab I think.  Or maybe it's my endlessly smoking super or whoever it is from the building.  Well - my sponsor said to say something when I smell it.  So I smell it - but I'm not going to say something.  Oh dear Lord.  I've had enough for a few days.  LOVE YOU SO MUCH BLUEBIE.  I AM YOUR REAL WRITER.

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