Thursday, January 23, 2014
I am always late to that fucking boutique - almost every fucking time. It stresses me out and I still fucking do it. I woke up today to get ready in plenty of time and I wasn't tired still - my alarm went off and even though I was having icky dreams I was okay. SO I SLEPT FOR 50 MORE MINUTES. Why would I do that to myself? That trip into work was torture and then having to explain to her why I was late on top of trying to get to leave to go to an audition? Listen - this day might have been horrible anyway - but - it was a lot fucking worse because I was late. And you know - I get to the other job a little late now. I just read some articles about lateness and one of them is about the adrenaline rush of being late - being a drama junkie. That doesn't sound like me at all. It's a fucking responsibility thing too - I just don't want to fucking be uncomfortable ever and it's uncomfortable to get up on time and to get to places on time and to be a fucking grown-up. I mean I know this is boring but seriously - what the fuck am I doing? This isn't okay - I don't want to be that person. At the comedy club there was this manager who was always so late it was insane - she wouldn't even get there until AFTER the show started sometimes. So she wouldn't even leave her house until she was already supposed to BE at work. So - so this is so crazy to me that I'm doing this. I mean I don't want to be at these jobs - I want to be acting and going on auditions and doing shows and having fun. But - fuck - me being late and stressing out isn't going to help that happen is it? Am I just a giant failure? What am I doing? I should have just left that shithole (it's not a shithole) today and gone to the audition right? NO. I'm so frustrated - I just ate a small pizza. Good for me for not getting the cheesey bread right??? If I was in a dance class right now I would 100% throw up. A whole small pizza? Who needs to do that? What is happening to me? Listen - I have great timing but I suck with time - I really do. I have no idea how long anything takes. I cook until it's finished - that's it. Not with everything - ugh. I hate that I'm being like that manager from the comedy club. She was such a turd about all of that. She would show up late and then order a shitload of food and sit there and stuff her face. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? Why am I writing about this? Now I have anxiety. So do you if you managed to somehow read all of this. Love your Bluebie blog face bye.