Friday, June 17, 2011

Friday and it's 1 year,

9 months and 13 or so days. Holy shit!! That's also not that long and slowly, slowly things are changing. Holy cow waking up isn't easy. I'm still such a mess in so many ways. She got upset with me at the boutique yesterday and 2 things happened. I said I had to hang up for a minute because I could not take getting yelled at one more second. So that was good but holy cow I really freaked out and it was scary. I was crying hysterically. It triggered something in me. Then after we sort of figured it out I wanted to order an entire cake and eat it. Which I did not do. I am now at the stage of my recovery where I am starting to live again without all the addictive behavior. I mean I sort of ate, watched movies and was filled with rage for my first year of being sober. Now I can't do that or I won't keep healing. So. So now I'm in a kind of pain that can't be numbed. I don't know what I'm talking about. I guess I do - holy cow I think I have PMS. Aweeeesooome. That should help all of my emotions. I am so sensitive and filled with fear and anxiety. It's so crazy. Getting used to this is not going to be easy. I feel like a bed of exposed wires. Now is when I need to learn to have the semi-permeable insulation layer. Put a box around myself that is airy. Oh dear - I have to go do my door commitment. Walk the Miss Doggie. Do some Yoga and walk to work. Love Blueberry. Be what the Buddha says, "What you think you become." Okay - so love, kindness, abundance and health. Mental, emotional and physical health. Amen.

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