Friday

Well that last post I wrote on Sunday and while I was still writing it the guy came in so I stopped and it was just on my computer unfinished until yesterday so I just posted it.  It's been a rough week.  Remember when I met that hooker and I wanted to quit comedy?  Well this week I hosted again at that same place and it happened again - I mean I wanted to quit comedy.  EVERYONE wants to quit comedy - it's an awful business!  I mea ugh I don't know.  Wait no - I do know I am just uncomfortable saying it.  It's an awful. hard, dark business and it takes advantage of artists and people in many, many ways.  So.  So I brought this comedian up the other night and I fucked up his name.  I also forgot to say his credit and wow - he was not happy and I tried to say sorry and he wasn't having it and then he told me how he has the skills to host and not forget anyone's names.  LOL - okay.  He wasn't having it and honestly fuck him right?  Who fucking cares it's free show at a bar go fuck yourself and I tried to say sorry.  But it was a hard night and they were smoking a ton of pot when I left and I thought to myself "Maybe if I get high with them they will like me."  Which of course has never helped anything ever and no they wouldn't like me more an more than that - GET OUT.  I need to GET OUT.  Gross.  Why do I want them to like me WHO CARES.  Anyway my big point is that I need to change things.  It's so unhealthy for me.  It makes me all speedy and crazy - it's nuts.  It's okay I feel in my heart and my body that I am going in the wrong direction and that's fine.  IT'S  FINE.  God I feel like I don't have a voice.  I feel so much like I don't have voice that I write on a secret blog and I struggle to do an art form that is almost impossible for me.  I can feel so much in me that I am trying to force myself into that comedy world again and I have been doing it for yeaaaaaars.  How long now?  5 years in earnest and for years before that also.  Wow.  Well okay that's it.  I fucking hate it and I'm over it.  That being said I have a show tonight can you come??  HA.  UGH.  I do have a show but im hosting and I am getting paid.  Gotta go the guy is home love you BLuebie bye