Happy Thanksgiving and

oh dear. Well it was a nice day - I went to a very nice party in Midtown and the apartment was beautiful and filled with so much warmth and love. It has a view of the city that is amaaaazing - really gorgeous. I came home and spent some time here with everyone celebrating, which was much less drug and alcohol infused than I thought it was going to be. I talked to my Mom, my best friend and my sister and that was great. But oh dear Blogg now I'm upset. I'm so upset and I have to write it out and get it out of me. This is so silly but I guess it had to happen. So last Sunday Soft Hugger hugged me only I wasn't feeling well and I didn't want to get him sick so it was awkward - to say the least. Then I went outside and he joked about something and I said bye and that was nice. So of course in my brain a relationship is growing between us. I laughed when I wrote that because it's funny and it's so ridiculous. Well I'm embarrassed to write this but I looked at his FB page and he wrote something to someone who I know and it got me so upset. I've seen him write to her before and a mutual friend of all of us told me she liked him - months ago and then I remembered all of that, got upset, decided he loves her, and than I got more upset. Let me also say he and I are NOT friends on FB. And then I started to ACTUALLY get depressed. And she's a comedian and WAY more successful than I am or have ever been and now I feel sick. I did a show the other night and it was fun and a really cute room that was packed with people. Some friends came and Larni and I had fun laughing in the back waiting to go up. Then we went to the diner afterwards and wrote until 2:30 in the morning. So much fun - so comedy. Well then all of a sudden I feel upset. I will never catch up, I will never be that funny, I will never be loved by someone who I love, why am I being mean to myself? Ugh - okay I feel like this is good in a way and that it had to happen. I can't have a boyfriend right now - especially an imaginary one. And I really need to think about this comedy thing. Thing?? I just - I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can not do it. I'm tired and now I'm getting sad. Larni asked me if I would just be happy supporting my husband in his career (if I had one) and having his babies. I was like uhhh - I don't know? NO - NO is the answer. No I wouldn't be - what the fuck? Not drinking and doing drugs is so much easier now and the really amazing thing is that I am soooo much more social and able to be charming - sober. I love people - I don't need booze to lighten up/ease up/open up. I loved being sober and social yesterday. For sure. But I'm so confused about the comedy. My art. Love. Jesus. It's making me beat myself up for some reason. Well since I know I am I can stop. Here's the thing - maybe I should just take another year - the rest of the year till next September to be celibate still. Give myself the rest of this year to focus on my art and see what happens. Really? How lame does that sound? But I can't get all in my head about someone. I have to focus on myself in a healthy way. Well why don't I just say that. I'm going to focus on me in a healthy way - open myself up to art and see where it takes me. I'm going to meditate and ask to be shown the right way. I have to work tonight. I need inspiration. I really do. But I also need to be nice to myself. Really nice. Thanks for being here. You are the best listener ever Blue!!!