I can't sleep

and I've been laying there for over 2 hours. I feel a little better. Perhaps because I did not let myself eat myself out of this place. I spoke to my sponsee and that got me out of myself. I just wish I could stop having the past flood up in my memories and fill me with regret. What is the point of regret? No point. I need to move on. How? Maybe I will feel better after the holistic doctor. Maybe I will feel better after I adjust to not eating myself through my feelings. Maybe I feel badly because I took Benedryl for 2 weeks and it made me sleep and maybe I didn't need so much sleep that wasn't authentic. Inauthentic sleep. Inauthentic anything blows. I'm trying to think of me taking care of myself and my life as if I were a baby. As if I were my own parent. Seems ridiculous yet at the same time - quite possible a good idea. What would I do? How would I take care of me? No wonder no one reads this - how ugh - self-centered. REALLY? Because I want to be okay and I'm trying everything in my brain power to be okay? Christ - it's good for fucks sake. I think I think I cheated by taking Benedryl. I didn't need it the last couple of nights - the cold was gone - but I took it anyway. I told my friend. She's very short. Tiny. So small - I feel like a giant around her and I'm not that tall. And her sponsor is SO tall. Taller than my sister who is tall and she's tall!! Christ how am I going to get to this doctor by 9? The other doctor by 2 and somehow a meeting? And I have yet to go to the gym. Meaning I signed up for it - I pay for it - but I don't go. Huh. That would probably make me feel better. For sure. How would I take care of myself if I were my own parent and I were a baby? How about just a child. A person parenting themselves? When I was at therapy tonight and I was so negative I said to her I'm sorry for being so negative and she asked me why I thought it was bad. Then she said that if I'm feeling negative and I express it then that's good. Or okay at least. OF course - I shouldn't sit on that energy. Ugh this is so hard. This year of sobriety feels so much harder than last year. This is so intense and not fattening. Just can't do it though. The eating doesn't work anymore. I don't know how to do what's right really yet but I can tell you that numbing things doesn't feel good anymore either. So now I just have to relearn and at the same time make some wise choices for myself. Maybe I should become an art teacher. Maybe I should do some more shows. Maybe I should write a book. I can complain for 200 pages. I will call it "I Complained For 200 Pages." I will get someone real miserable to write the foreword. I want a better life and that is good. I can move home and still come to the city. Why does that make me so sad? Where would I go? Live? I would need a car and a job. A real job. I need some guidance. I need to pray I guess. "Please Dear Lord Help Me Raise Myself Better Than The Last 40 Years." It will be the sequel to my first book. Not as funny as I thought it would be. I don't feel safe creatively here. Big part of my problem. Lots of things need to change. Well - okay - now that that is all cleared up - goodnight.