I'm finished!!

I went through all the notebooks!! There is - let's see - I will count right now. 46. 46 notebooks from 2001 until now. Do you know why? Because when I moved in 2002 I threw out at least 20 other ones. Okay - 15? Maybe 10? A bunch. ugh it makes me sick to think of it - they must have been hilarious. In a very scary immature, not honest with myself kind of way. And maybe just material. Well - so I did it and I found some good ideas and guess what else I found? A person who was an addict and an alcoholic who needed a program - BADLY. I forgive myself now. I made mistakes and I really fucked up. But I also - was fucked up. And I have to forgive myself or I can't move forward in life and love myself. And help other people. I'm tired - I'm so glad I did that!!! I got so frustrated about it taking so long and being so painful and so I just went through it really fast. I didn't let myself wallow in the painful memories. I feel like I cleaned out a closet. Now I just need to put a set together and keep writing new stuff. Just keep writing. I just need to keep pouring it out. Byeeeee Blueberry!!!